Showing posts from August, 2019

I Know Better Than to Worry, But I Can't Seem to Stop

First, a quick update... - My mom had more tests... but they were inconclusive.  Because of her other health issues and the medication she has to take, she's not a typical patient.  Her records are being sent to a top-level specialist at the university hospital in the city near where I live.  Right now it looks like she won't need surgery, but we still don't know what's causing the episodes, so we can't prevent them from happening. - My daughter had more tests... but they were inconclusive.  She has now been to her primary doctor, the ER, and an orthopedic spine surgeon.  She is now going to a physical therapist who has a pretty rare certification that specializes in diagnosing and treating this type of injury.  She's been to the therapist twice now but because of her having fibromyalgia and dysautonomia, she's not a typical client (deja vu?) and it's taking longer to figure it out.  Again, right now it looks like she won't need surgery, but it w

Life Lessons from Candy Crush

It seems like all I've done lately on this blog is complain.  This wasn't my original intent - it's just that life has been especially hard recently.  But I thought it would be a good idea to post something more positive.  I wrote this a few months ago... This morning I was playing Candy Crush, avoiding getting up and starting the day, and there was a level I had been on for awhile.  Suddenly I realized that not only am I winning the level but I'm winning it amazingly.  I had the thought, "Wow!  Everything just fell into place!"  I thought about that how sometimes that happens in life (first lesson). Then... then next level... I played a few rounds and wasn't doing well at all with it.  I decided to use some of my helps to manipulate and pass the level quicker. I used them all at once and as soon as I did I realized that they weren't going to make any difference.  I still miserably failed that attempt at that level. Another lesson - Sometimes y

"Worry Papers" - A Metaphor for an Anxiety Attack

I really wonder why I come here and do this instead of going to bed when I'm so tired I can hardly see straight.  Maybe because it's meaningful and productive, but also at the same time, it helps me.  I wish I could go to bed.  I need some good sleep. Mania has hung around because of these dang steroids now for about a week.  Before that, I was manic because of the steroid shot.  And before I became manic due to the steroidal drug intervention, I was extremely depressed and pretty sick.  Add to those things, within the past 6 weeks, both of my parents have been hospitalized with late night ER visits to kick them off and I also went out of state for a fun but hectic vacation. I guess I wouldn't be a human being if I wasn't exhausted under those circumstances.  Anyone would be. Even neurotypical people can get insomnia or nervousness with steroids - just not quite to the extent as happens to me. But the extra fun part is the cascade that happens if you have mental i

Church? Support Groups!

It's Sunday morning.  Many, if not most, of the people in my southern state are just getting out of church right now.  I'm at home.  Ironically, I took someone to church this morning as part of doing rideshare as a side job.  But I didn't stay.  I also didn't go to another church after dropping him off.  I was dressed and out of the house.  Most would think it would be so easy to just go to a church if you've already gotten that far.  So why won't I go to church? I actually sat down at my desk only to again write about how difficult it is to be in my place right now.  At the moment I'm crashing, coming down off a mostly manic cycle.  I say mostly because I also had some very deep depression right along with the mania.  I often have a lot of anxiety with mania (I had that too), but rarely the kind of low lows while still experiencing all of the manic stuff.  (It's called Bipolar Disorder Type 2 with mixed features, for you technical peeps.) Anyway, as

You Are Invited...

I'm inviting you my pity party today.  I don't have a cake but I can provide some yummy grapes I just bought yesterday - or, even better, cookie dough.  I don't plan to decorate with streamers and balloons but since I've been manic lately and did a huge decluttering session, my place is fairly neat.  Sorry for the lack of formal, mailed invitations.  It's kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. Here are the reasons for my party: 1 - I just took my mom to the doctor.  Because she has another appointment this afternoon with her primary doc, we got a copy of the labs they did at this specialist.  I don't know anything about what the results really mean, but I can read a lab report well enough to know that it's not good.  What is probably the issue is a benign tumor on her adrenal gland.  Most likely she will need surgery. 2 - My dad's foot isn't getting better.   He's a Type 2 Diabetic and has an ulcer on his foot.  He was hospitalized for it - to

Ah... Family (trigger warning - suicide reference)

I wrote this last Thanksgiving.  I really debated even putting it on here because I don't want in any way to make light of suicide.  I, my mother, and my daughter have all had times of being extremely suicidal. But this continues to make me laugh when I think about it.  It's about how my family affects me.  I love them... but have a hard time spending time with them.  So, please stop now if you might be triggered or offended by something that could be seen as making light of a very serious topic.  I promise I'm not.  But I will say there are many times I really have felt like I was this cake plate... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

I Feel So Stupid

I have been feeling incredibly bad lately, much worse than usual.  I've felt the numbness of depression plus all of the physical aches and pains that can go with that (one of those things people who aren't dealing with this don't usually realize).  I've been nauseated a lot - I attributed that to meds or sinus drainage from being out of state with different allergens.  I've been dizzy and lightheaded more than normal, but since I have dysautonomia, I just thought it was worse for some reason - maybe the heat?  I've been itchy, which goes back to the possible allergies.  I've been saying, "Huh?" or "What?" a lot more lately, but I have mild hearing loss so it's not that unusual for me to do.   Maybe ear wax?  Overall, I've felt really, really BLAH. But I had reasons for everything.  I'm in a low cycle with the bipolar, which accounts for a lot of it.  Because mental health can affect physical health, as well as causing brai

One More Rough Day

So... today is yet another really rough day.  This time at least, I have a "reason" for it:  My mom is in the hospital. I think I've mentioned before that I live with my parents.  This is a mutual thing - I needed help financially while I'm starting a small business and they needed someone to be around - just in case.  My dad has multiple health issues, including mostly uncontrolled diabetes and is in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's.  My mom has even more debilitating health issues, including dysautonomia, stage 4 kidney disease, major blood pressure issues (both high and low), asthma, low sodium, and major arthritis. Last night I had just gotten in bed when I got a call from my dad (yes, same house, but I ask that they respect my privacy and call before just coming in my room).  My mom's blood pressure was really high and could I come in there?  I'll be embarrassingly honest and admit that at first I didn't want to.  I just thought it was a li