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Showing posts from May, 2020

On the Merry-Go-Round Once More

It has been a truly emotional week - both good and bad. You would think I would be used to riding this mood roller coaster by now, living with bipolar as well as going through all kinds of crap throughout my life, but it's still hard to deal with. First, the really good news... two months after I first filed for unemployment because of COVID-19 issues, I finally received it, including some (not all) of the weeks I filed in the past but didn't get anything. This has been an incredible stressor off of me, as even though I had a decent amount of money still out due to the way my clients pay me and I had a little bit saved up, I knew it wouldn't last forever. I tried not to worry, but I had a huge underlying stress every minute of every day during that time of uncertainty. So, that's a big relief. But medical issues... Ah, medical issues... Many years ago I wrote an article about the issue of not finding answers to my medical issues - or at least not ones that help. I

Exhaustion From COVID-19 - Not the Illness, But From Helping to Flatten the Curve

COVID-19 has affected society in so many ways. When the CDC first asked everyone to stay at home as much as possible, I didn't think too much of it. In fact, I kind of liked the idea... at first. When I first heard it was going to be much longer than I had originally thought, the idea became a lot harder to deal with... but it was still doable. My initial impression had been how much I could get done with not as much paid work as before (though that worried me on another level) and so much time at home. As the time was extended, that was still my goal - to get a lot of projects done that I normally don't have time for. But nothing in me realized how it would feel to be home so much - and its unanticipated effects.  One of those has been exhaustion... bone-weary, fall-asleep-at-my-desk, can't-think exhaustion. There are so many factors directly related to the pandemic that could be playing into this issue: - Not getting enough sunlight...      Lack of s

Mania to Depression During COVID-19

I have bipolar disorder, Type 2, which some consider "mild"... but live in my shoes for a few weeks and you'll think it's anything but mild. As with many mental illnesses, one can be high-functioning or lower-functioning, depending on the severity of the illness, support from others, etc.  Maybe it's because performing well is a major part of my self-worth; maybe it's the work ethic I've been brought up with; maybe it's something else, but I have to be really, really depressed to keep me from working if I have a deadline for a task. Lately, I’ve been that depressed. Today I realized a couple of the reasons... First, the obvious: I mentioned why I feel I am high functioning despite having a serious disorder. COVID-19 has robbed some of that from me and I hadn't even realized it. My main job is as an event photographer. I supplement my income with rideshare (Uber/Lyft), mystery shopping, and some writing. So, three out of

My Heart is Breaking Once Again

I don't know how many of you have children with multiple physical and mental issues, but it's hard. I mean, HARD! As a parent, one thing you most want for your children is for them to be successful in whatever they want to do... whether it's to be a stay-at-home mom, a garbage collector, a doctor, or anything else. She did so much to become all she could as she was growing up... All those years of trotting around to lessons and sporting events and after-school activities... All those years of Science fair projects and research papers and practicing math facts... All those years of teaching manners and work ethic and compassion for others... Sometimes I feel like all of that was for nothing because of the diseases and conditions and syndromes that my almost 21-year-old has to deal with. Last semester her physical and mental health issues caused her to have to drop out of college and take incompletes for 3 of her classes (she was able to finish 2 through a lot of pushing