Showing posts from January, 2020

Fooled Again

I hate... hate... hate having bipolar disorder. It's so sneaky and even though you know you have it and know what it does, it still can fool you. Last week I had some really bad things happen. However, I used what I've learned in the 12-step program, support groups, and counseling, and dealt with them all. Unlike my norm, I didn't stress too much over it or worry constantly on how I could change each thing that happened. I worked very hard at letting go and surrendering. This time was the most peaceful time I've had in a while - a long while. I was on cloud 7 (cloud 9 is still just a little too much right now). I got together with a friend for lunch early in the week (my social anxiety usually doesn't let that happen - I might make plans but often can't carry them out). I got a lot done at my desk and even though nothing I did was for pay, I didn't stress. To top it off, on Saturday I went out with some friends for lunch and I realized I was participatin

A New/Old? Mental Health Issue... Really?!

So... I'm working on a document and in it, I'm describing some of the mental health issues I had when I was in my early 20s. I thought one condition I had was called agoraphobia but I get all of the phobias' names mixed up so I decided to research it to make sure. Some background... My panic disorder started at that age (or my late teens, I can't remember exactly). It got so bad that I developed a mild version of agoraphobia. I would leave my house only to go to work and to church but wouldn't go anywhere else. Even work and church were difficult but my sense of responsibility somehow prevailed during those times. As many of us with mental or physical health issues do, I was a good actress and acted like I was okay when I was away from home, but I was a basket-case otherwise. Looking back, I was already displaying signs of both my addictive-prone personality as well as bipolar disorder, but then I had no clue mental health was really the issue. You probably th

It Sounded So Simple...

I went to a dietitian yesterday. That in itself, is somewhat of a small miracle. I can't afford a dietitian, though I've needed one for a very long time. But in December my numbers finally got bad enough to technically become a type 2 diabetic. Though that's not a good thing, something else happened at the same time. My insurance company started including dietitian services for those who are diabetic. I think that started in January of this year, though I may be wrong about that. But anyway, because of this change, I could afford to go to this dietitian and get some help. Since my very first meeting with a food addiction 12-step group, I knew it was the answer I was looking for. I have known and seen success in my other 12-step group and knew that it was possible. But from the way everyone was defining abstinence (though I knew in this program you come up with your own definition), I wondered if I could ever deal with being so strict. We are talking MAJOR food issues

Exhausted and Overwhelmed

So many "shoulds"... I should be resting. Or I should be out making money with Uber and Lyft. Or I should be doing one of the myriads of other items on my current To-Do list... But I'm not doing any of those things. I need to process this day and this week even more than those things. I'll get them done eventually. It's been a rough week. My depression has been at one of the lowest places it's been in a while. I often don't cry much when I'm depressed (though it happens sometimes), but this time I've felt like crying almost constantly for several days. After thinking about it a lot, I've realized there are several reasons that may not be the cause but are at least likely to be contributors. One of my best friends has been mostly MIA for various reasons, none having to do with me. I understand why he hasn't been available but I've missed him terribly anyway. It also made me feel so helpless because there was nothing I could do abou

New Year... Recording My Life

Well... I had planned to post so much sooner than now.  I've sat down to post several times but other things kept interfering.  Even now I really need to get out of here but I just wanted to write a little bit. I don't make New Year's resolutions but this year I have tried to do a few new things once the holidays were over.  One is that I bought a guided journal and I'm trying to work through it each day.  It took a good bit of searching before I found one that I thought I would like and I'm so happy I took that time.  This one has some wonderful prompts that make me think about things I need to ponder on before I start my day.  It has a few prompts that I don't use so I fill in those areas with other things I want to record.  I'm actually proud of myself for not being so rigid that I feel I have  to fill in each area with the dedicated prompt. I'm also proud of myself that I didn't beat myself up when I missed a day.  I found it right around New