Friday, January 17, 2020

Exhausted and Overwhelmed

So many "shoulds"... I should be resting. Or I should be out making money with Uber and Lyft. Or I should be doing one of the myriads of other items on my current To-Do list...

But I'm not doing any of those things. I need to process this day and this week even more than those things. I'll get them done eventually.

It's been a rough week. My depression has been at one of the lowest places it's been in a while. I often don't cry much when I'm depressed (though it happens sometimes), but this time I've felt like crying almost constantly for several days.

After thinking about it a lot, I've realized there are several reasons that may not be the cause but are at least likely to be contributors. One of my best friends has been mostly MIA for various reasons, none having to do with me. I understand why he hasn't been available but I've missed him terribly anyway. It also made me feel so helpless because there was nothing I could do about the situation.

Another best friend has also been missing but it's a very different context - my 20-year-old daughter. She in her first serious relationship and is spending any free time she has with this person. I knew in my head that this empty nest thing would be coming up soon, but I honestly thought it was when she moved out. I never realized it could happen while she technically still lived in the same house I do.

Every time I talk about her being one of my best friends, I can hear the chorus saying that you need to be a parent to your child and not a friend. I see the wisdom in that. But she and I have been through some major hell the past few years together and it's bonded us in ways that aren't just a very close mother and daughter relationship. We have a lot in common and have had a lot of both fun times and really, really bad times together. So I'm no ashamed to call her one of my best friends... and one with whom my relationship is drastically changing and there's once again nothing I can do about it.

So many other issues like finances or my health keep my anxiety at a moderate level under the surface constantly, even if life is going great otherwise. So this doesn't help.

If you've read my blog much at all, you know that my bipolar disorder, anxiety, and addictions affect every aspect of my life. The paragraph before this one isn't new information. Even the way I'm handling missing my friends isn't unusual.

But combine it with yet another week of dealing with my parents' health issues and it's just been too much. Again, if you have read my blog at all, you know that doctor and even ER visits are not uncommon in this house. There is never a week that goes by without at least 2 doctor visits (usually many more), and I'm not counting ongoing therapy or support groups in with that.

So when my mom falls again or my dad has another health issue pop up, I know the drill. The majority of the time I'm calm and collected. I know what needs to be done and I get it done. I gather up needed supplies or information; I inform my family; I take care of what needs to be taken care of.

Today when my mom had another issue (not quite a full fall, but she was so weak she might as well have), I felt like a basket case. I don't think I really let it show but I had a hard time figuring out what to do. I felt very scattered as I gathered up the things she, my dad, and I would need for an ER visit and possibly a hospital admission. I was mentally and physically able to drive to the hospital but if I had been just a little more upset, I wouldn't have been.

I'm at a loss about what to do now. I feel like I've been through a wringer. I had planned to do rideshare but I'm not sure if that's the best idea, given my physical and emotional state (my financial state is yelling at me to go and get to work though). The longer I sit here doing this, the more I realize the way I feel right now, it's just not safe for me to do rideshare. Maybe I could do it a little later tonight. But for now, I need to just be and let God take care of that particular worry.

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