On Saturday, September 28, 2024, I'm Grateful For...

This week I was reminded about a principle integral to Christianity, addiction recovery, and almost any type of counseling currently offered.

That principle is gratefulness.

Today has been a rough day. A lot has gone wrong - but a lot has also gone right. When things were going wrong this morning my husband joked and called me a pessimist. 

He was right.

So I set out to prove him wrong and proceeded to turn all of the things that went wrong for the rest of the day into something I could be grateful for. 

But what do you do when you have a fight with that same man and then it suddenly feels like there's absolutely nothing to be grateful for no matter how hard you try and no matter how you felt just an hour or two earlier?

It took me a while, but then it just hit me like a ton of bricks (ouch!)...

...I need to be grateful anyway.

I'm still mad at him. I'm still hurt by what started it. I still don't know how to get through the rest of the evening processing these feelings.

But there's a lot to be grateful for even in the anger... and the hurt... and the uncertainty.

So, here I go. My goal is to write 25 things I'm grateful for (and honestly, I know this just scratches the surface but I do need to get some sleep tonight).

So, on Saturday, September 28, 2024, I'm grateful for...

1. the computer I'm typing this list on
2. my blog where hopefully this pain (and solution) will help someone else
3. the husband I'm so mad at right now (but still love in spite of it)
4. the daughter I got back after several years of her being sick and so far away from me
5. getting to be on a worship team for the first time in a very long time
6. getting to be on said worship team with the husband who I'm mad at
7. my ergonomic keyboard
8. my cell phone with an S-pen (I've wanted one for years)
9. the diet peach tea that I'm drinking that tastes like real peaches
10. the weighted wrist brace I was able to make that helps me deal with my essential tremors without meds
11. that my new camera body wasn't broken after all
12. the new battery I was able to get for my car - and put on a payment plan because right now finances are tight
13. the free pet food that I was able to get for my daughter and her fur babies
14. the many opportunities I've gotten to do through photography and writing that I never, ever could have even dreamed about a decade ago
15. the cooler weather today (and this time I think it's here to stay!)
16. losing weight
17. the under-desk bicycle thing that helps my restless leg syndrome (RLS) when I'm working
18. my SUV (an item I never really wanted but can't imagine not having now)
19. a camera harness that doesn't hurt my neck
20. my very cute-and-tiny fur baby of my own
21. cool looking business cards that I designed and that I'm actually proud of
22. little bitty colorful clothespins that I can use to put up reminders of what I need to think about when things like this happen
23. getting - not having - to live with my mom (and if you've known me long, you know how much of a miracle that is)
24. friends who support and pray for me
25. that someone (I can't even remember who at the moment) reminded me how important being grateful is...

... and SO much more!

Thank you, God. Thank you, friends. Thank you, couselors and pastors and mentors... 

Being grareful may not change anything that I can actually see, touch, hear, smell and taste, but in a major way, it actually changes everything.

The Church Haves and Church Have-Nots

Following are concurrent text conversations I had with two different women at my church about an upcoming women's retreat. It's something I've thought about a lot. Read through it and I'll provide my thoughts at the end. 

Note that names have been changed to protect the innocent. (Even though this is a very serious topic - LOL!) Plus, I didn't correct the typos or grammar. After all, it is texting. :-) (I hope my former English teachers never read it!)

*************************************** 

8.15.24, Sunday evening

Conversation with Jane Doe #1 

(We had talked in person earlier and this text conversation picked up on what we talked about.)

ME:

If I go, can I ride with you?

JANE #1:

I'm in a car with Jane #2 and Jane #3 and all the sound equipment 🤣🤣🤣 And keyboard... Jane #2 is in charge of carpools since we're limited to 10 cars... If you can go, we can see what the space looks like on our car.

ME:

OK. Honestly, that could make or break going for me. Who's doing sound? 

JANE #1:

I have no idea maybe Jane #4...? 

Switch to conversation with Jane Doe #5 

(I sent this first text message earlier.) 

ME: 

Jane #5... It's Tracy Frontz (from church). When you first announced the retreat a couple of months ago, I looked at my calendar and saw I had a shoot for a nonprofit that weekend. It's one we had done for I think, four years. I would never have bailed on them. So I didn't pay attention anymore to the updates about the retreat.

This morning, I realized it's next weekend. Before I left for church, I went ahead and transferred my calendar into my weekly to-do list. I noticed there wasn't anything going on this weekend.

It took a lot of thinking and talking to Travis about it before I realized it was the foot-race fundraiser for Blanket Fort Hope we were supposed to shoot. For some reason, they moved the date of the race - so now I'm free to potentially go.

I asked Jane #1, who said to contact you about it. The thing is... I'm either free or have meetings that I can reschedule during the retreat time. But I simply can't afford it - not even close. Is there a scholarship or something? 

(She just texted back, interrupting my conversation with Jane #1.)

JANE #5:

Hey Tracy! We had someone not be able to go who has already paid their deposit. She said don't worry about the $100 deposit and if someone was able to come last min then they could use that. So it would be $200 instead of the $300. It does cover 3 breakfasts, and one dinner (and an ice cream social :).

ME:

Thanks but there's no way I can afford that. We are in a deficit every month right now. I didn't even realize all the meals weren't even covered... I'd have to brownbag those, or at least some of them. Maybe one day things will change and I'll get to go to one. Thanks for letting me know. 

JANE #5:

Oh yeah sorry, we will be eating out a couple of times and we're splitting gas money as well. Hopefully it will all go smooth this year and we will be able to have them each year! And we can have the date planned out way in advance so more people can plan! 

ME:

Unless something major changes, I still probably couldn't afford it. 

JANE #5:

There will be lots of fun women's events coming soon at the church! 😍

ME:

Honestly, I wasn't looking for fun. I was looking to bond with some of the women at church.... And hopefully encounter God together. 

JANE #5:

There will be lots of opportunities for that to come with the women's ministry I'm sure ! 

ME:

I'm sorry, but that's not the point. It separates the haves and have-nots. Have-nots will never be completely accepted because they can't keep up with what the haves don't even think about, like how meeting at Starbucks for a cup of coffee is way too much for a large part of the population. 

JANE #5:

I understand. I’m sorry that we are unable to provide individual scholarships at this time. Unfortunately our church is just not currently in a position to fund this trip for individuals right now. In the future we hope to be able to include anyone and have multiple scholarships available.

Switch back to conversation with Jane Doe #1.

ME:

Oh well... I'm not going. Jamie said there was someone who can't go and didn't ask for their deposit back, so it would still be $200, plus I didn't realize all the meals weren't covered so that would be even more. 

JANE #1:

Awwww... I'm sorry... 

ME:

I'm actually sad... And I'm mad. You gotta have money to be involved in so much at churches. Travis and I have even skipped church because we didn't have money for gas. Shouldn't either a church be willing to help those who can't afford it or only have activities that everyone can afford? What was the scripture we read about today anyway? 

I feel that if you've never gone without, you don't get it.  church is very elitist. I've not gone to church before because I couldn't afford nice clothes... I thought "the church of the Janes" was different.

JANE #1:

I will say this is the first big event that has cost anything... There was a dinner and concert at Christmas that cost to cover dinner but for the most part they are really good at providing events with little to no cost... And I know there are people that gladly scholarship people anonymously...  I wouldn't let this last minute chance be what you base your opinion on of A2... I've found them to be an extremely generous in so many ways... I'm so sorry that this didn't work out but there are so many other opportunities to connect with people and I'm believing that they will be exactly what God has for us ♥️

ME:

We live with my mom... And have 3 rooms, one of which is a study bcs both work from home. I wash dishes in the bathroom sink. The car we drive we got because we needed a car we could take mom to appointments in and my old car was to small. We still owe her for the full amount of it. I can't invite anyone over because the only private space we have had one couch and shares the rest of the room for a makeshift kitchen....

I heard what you said and I understand. But i still feel it's an issue. In fact, it's something I plan to write about.

Oh well... Maybe I'll be able to play this Sunday at least

I guess I thought this retreat was different too. It sounds like a fun time. I thought it was going to be a chance to bond with others... I feel very left out at church sometimes. I had hoped that worship team would be where I could really get to know people... And that might not happen. At this moment I thought that maybe this was a way I could do it, and it isn't happening. But I'll leave you alone now. See you Tuesday night. 

ME:

I know it is hard... I worked at a church in Nashville so my kids could go to camp and on mission trips so I do understand... I wish we could have every event fully funded...!! 

I do know that there are people going that were creative in their funding for this trip... I was one of them... I've sold several things on Facebook and I've saved over the last few weeks so it wouldn't be a hardship... 

I do not think that the intent of this trip was to exclude anyone...!! This is truly the sweetest, most genuine body of believers I've ever been around... I'm praying that the enemy does not win in using this to create division or offense... Love you friend ♥️

ME:

I don't think it was meant to exclude anyone either. The problem is that, for many, it's never even thought about. I know I'm especially sensitive to this topic as my blog is all about it.. Spotlight on Stigma... Welcomed but Not Accepted. 

JANE #1:

I understand your sensitivity... I truly do... Please do ever believe for one second that you are not accepted...!! 

*************************************** 

I chatted a little more with Jane #1 but this was the relevant part. 

I was so sad... and honestly, pretty mad. 

(Okay - I have many more thoughts but not enough time to go into them. I'll add more later.)

The Difference between Judgement and Compassion

Judgement. Something that I completely hate that others do. In fact, the premise of this blog is to counteract the judgement that so many feel towards those with invisible illnesses - and the judgement that is felt by those individuals.

However, judgement is an aspect of my life that I hate, but have a hard time overcoming. (See my 9.16.19 post about this: https://www.spotlightonstigma.com/2019/09/judging.html.) 

I judge so much - I judge the food I eat; I judge the work I've done; I judge how I act (and how much I fail). After all, I'm not only the most important peson in the world, I'm always right.

(God, forgive me!)

In case this is your first post, something you need to know is that I deal with bipolar type 2 as well as having other mental health issues. One of the effects of all this is latching onto a topic and not letting go until I've completely exhausted learning about it. YouTube is my best friend in this pursuit (or my worst enemy, depending on your perspective.)

Sometimes I don't even know how I started with a new topic. (I guess I can thank the almighty YouTube's algorithm.) But sometime this past month I started watching actual court proceedings. 

The main topic that drew me there was watching a video about a "SovCit" (sovereign citizen). This is a group of people who feel that the government doesn't have any control over them. They have a completely crazy script they use, especially during a traffic stop or in a court hearing. I advise looking them up if you are even a little bit interested, as it really is fascinating.

This led to more generic court hearings - about "Karens," spoiled brats, or, on the flip side, compassion showed within some of the courts hearings. 

Sprinkled in with these were some regular court hearings - all kinds of cases like landlord disputes, custody issues, and, of course, various criminal matters.

One day I saw one of those videos and the judge allowed the defendent to share her story. I really felt for her. In my humble opinion, she wasn't completely responsible for what she did. I think that she had some mental health issues that affected her thought processes and actions.

I later told my husband about that case and I was trying to justify how I felt compassion for her when I laughed at and judged some of the others. (I already confessed that I struggle with this so don't judge - lol!)

It was then that I had an epiphany. The difference between those I made fun of and that one young girl was that I heard her backstory. I knew how she got to where she currently was. I could identify with some of the thiings that had happened to her and recognized that "except for the grace of God go I." 

It changed everything. I still judge, unfortunately, but I'm better about pausing and thinking about why someone is doing what they are doing, not just judging their actions.

So, when you start to judge, try to stop for a moment and think about the why and not just the what that person is doing. After all, the difference between judgement and compassion is simply knowing someone's backstory.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Part 2

Note: If you want to read the background on how I got to this realization, find and read my post titled "Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Part 1."

So... to pick up where I left off, the thrush and gastroperesis were gone but my taste buds never came back completely. I was able to eat a greater variety of foods but there are still some that still don't taste right 6 months since I stopped the treatment.

The worst ones are chocolate, anything tomato based (ketchup, salsa, pasta sauce...), some ways chicken is prepared, and potatoes. Do you know how many foods are made with one of those things? I didn't realize until this happened. 

The first time I braved going out to eat, I insisted on going to a Chinese buffet. There were too many foods I didn't like and I didn't want to buy a meal (a splurge right now because we still haven't gotten caught up from the months of Dad's illness, death and my illnesses) that I wouldn't be able to eat.

At a buffet I could get a bite or two of all kinds of foods and see what I liked. 

That first time, I realized lo mein and the crab/cheese bake were okay and sesame chicken and egg rolls (former favorites) weren't. Sushi, something I had grown to like in the last few years, was a food I "lost" (as I called it). Other lost Chinese foods I previously loved were coconut shrimp, crab legs, and mongolian beef.

One major result of this issue was the fast food and quick meal impact. No longer could I run by McDonald's and get a cheap burger and fries in the middle of a day of errands. I couldn't make a sandwich and chips - the sandwich was incredibly boring not liking any condiments and the chips were potato based.

Losing chocolate was a bummer. As a food addict, though I was doing better than ever from working with a nutritionist, I still often gravitated to carbs, especially chocolate when stressed or depressed. Of course, all this made me even more stressed and depressed, so it was a rough time.

However, even though this has been incredibly diificult to adapt to, there has been one really good consequence - I've been losing weight without trying. Not only were there less foods I liked but during the time I had gastroperesis, my stomach shrank. I started only being able to eat about half of a meal before I was full.

Okay... FINALLY I'm getting to the point of this two-part post - body dysmorphic disorder.

I haven't weighed in years. The few times I had to weigh for medical reasons (surgery, etc) and worked hard to not see the number but saw it anyway put me into a deep depression.

So I don't know how many pounds I've lost. But my clothes started hanging on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I got brave enough to pull out the clothes I haven't been able to wear  for about 6-7 years - and they mostly fit. (Because my body shape has changed, some shirts were still tight but most weren't.)

Once I started noticing the change, I got excited - then became terrified. One of the reasons I haven't tried to lose weight for the past decade or so is because every time I was successful, I'd gain it back - and more. What if this was another short-term weight loss? What if I hoped that I might actually become somewhat normal only to have that hope bashed?

I started paying more attention to my weight. I started noticing how my clothes fit. In fact, it was more than paying attention/noticing... I started obsessing over it.

Some days I felt "skinny" (a perspective thing, as I still am waaaay overweight) and others I felt like I hadn't lost any. 

But weight doesn't fluctuate like that - not that much. 

And this was when I had an epiphany. The term "body dysmorphia" popped into my mind. I learned about it when I did all of the research about my daughter's and my newly recognized eating disorders.

According to Dr Google, body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) is "a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed, and anxious that you may avoid many social situations."

It's sometimes called "phantom fat" or "phantom fat disorder" and another symptom is people who have lost weight still perceiving themselves as very large or heavy.

This is the main symptom that I recognized that morning. Since then, I've done more research and I realize I have some of the other symptoms. 

I always thought that the way to overcome an eating disorder - and the way to see that you've succeeded - was to change your eating habits. I totally forgot that the psychology behind having an eating disorder is not only the cause, but part of the cure.

There's more work to be done, but at least I'm back on the path to making it happen.