Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Part 2

Note: If you want to read the background on how I got to this realization, find and read my post titled "Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Part 1."

So... to pick up where I left off, the thrush and gastroperesis were gone but my taste buds never came back completely. I was able to eat a greater variety of foods but there are still some that still don't taste right 6 months since I stopped the treatment.

The worst ones are chocolate, anything tomato based (ketchup, salsa, pasta sauce...), some ways chicken is prepared, and potatoes. Do you know how many foods are made with one of those things? I didn't realize until this happened. 

The first time I braved going out to eat, I insisted on going to a Chinese buffet. There were too many foods I didn't like and I didn't want to buy a meal (a splurge right now because we still haven't gotten caught up from the months of Dad's illness, death and my illnesses) that I wouldn't be able to eat.

At a buffet I could get a bite or two of all kinds of foods and see what I liked. 

That first time, I realized lo mein and the crab/cheese bake were okay and sesame chicken and egg rolls (former favorites) weren't. Sushi, something I had grown to like in the last few years, was a food I "lost" (as I called it). Other lost Chinese foods I previously loved were coconut shrimp, crab legs, and mongolian beef.

One major result of this issue was the fast food and quick meal impact. No longer could I run by McDonald's and get a cheap burger and fries in the middle of a day of errands. I couldn't make a sandwich and chips - the sandwich was incredibly boring not liking any condiments and the chips were potato based.

Losing chocolate was a bummer. As a food addict, though I was doing better than ever from working with a nutritionist, I still often gravitated to carbs, especially chocolate when stressed or depressed. Of course, all this made me even more stressed and depressed, so it was a rough time.

However, even though this has been incredibly diificult to adapt to, there has been one really good consequence - I've been losing weight without trying. Not only were there less foods I liked but during the time I had gastroperesis, my stomach shrank. I started only being able to eat about half of a meal before I was full.

Okay... FINALLY I'm getting to the point of this two-part post - body dysmorphic disorder.

I haven't weighed in years. The few times I had to weigh for medical reasons (surgery, etc) and worked hard to not see the number but saw it anyway put me into a deep depression.

So I don't know how many pounds I've lost. But my clothes started hanging on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I got brave enough to pull out the clothes I haven't been able to wear  for about 6-7 years - and they mostly fit. (Because my body shape has changed, some shirts were still tight but most weren't.)

Once I started noticing the change, I got excited - then became terrified. One of the reasons I haven't tried to lose weight for the past decade or so is because every time I was successful, I'd gain it back - and more. What if this was another short-term weight loss? What if I hoped that I might actually become somewhat normal only to have that hope bashed?

I started paying more attention to my weight. I started noticing how my clothes fit. In fact, it was more than paying attention/noticing... I started obsessing over it.

Some days I felt "skinny" (a perspective thing, as I still am waaaay overweight) and others I felt like I hadn't lost any. 

But weight doesn't fluctuate like that - not that much. 

And this was when I had an epiphany. The term "body dysmorphia" popped into my mind. I learned about it when I did all of the research about my daughter's and my newly recognized eating disorders.

According to Dr Google, body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) is "a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed, and anxious that you may avoid many social situations."

It's sometimes called "phantom fat" or "phantom fat disorder" and another symptom is people who have lost weight still perceiving themselves as very large or heavy.

This is the main symptom that I recognized that morning. Since then, I've done more research and I realize I have some of the other symptoms. 

I always thought that the way to overcome an eating disorder - and the way to see that you've succeeded - was to change your eating habits. I totally forgot that the psychology behind having an eating disorder is not only the cause, but part of the cure.

There's more work to be done, but at least I'm back on the path to making it happen.