Thursday, July 16, 2020

Why Reward Based Systems Don't Work with Addicts

The other day I treated myself to a much-needed and long-awaited massage (obviously with the masseuse wearing a mask). While I was lying there, I thought about why I'd put this off for so long. My first thought was obviously my finances, as I've never made much money. But as pondered the whys, I realized there was also something else much more thought-provoking.

I love touch. It's my main "love language." I remember crying at my first massage after my prolonged separation/divorce because I had so little touch in my life after my ex left. I didn't date much because I wanted to focus on my daughter and my career, so massages were the only lengthy times I got to experience that craved touch. So, at first, I easily justified the expense. 

Then money got much tighter - and as time passed it got even tighter. My ex stopped paying child support. My daughter and I both had a lot of medical expenses. Massages were now considered a luxury. Even though they still fulfilled a basic need in my book, I wouldn't schedule them due to other needs that I felt had much higher priority.

Several times through the years when I decided to try once again to lose weight, I decided I could kill two birds with one stone - making that desired massage a reward for losing x-number of pounds. 

But the thing was... I was never able to get that reward.

Not...
Once...

Over the course of many years...

It...
Never...
Happened.

Even though it was one of my most enjoyed self-care elements and it fulfilled a need that nothing else could at the time, it never happened. I wanted one so badly. So why could I accomplish so much in life but never could make myself lose even a little weight in order to get something that I so desperately desired?

Since then, I've learned so much about that why. I realized I'm a food addict/compulsive overeater. One of the main tenets of addiction is that no amount of willpower and no punishment/reward in and of itself will provide lasting change. So that was one reason why I could never get to that place.

But somehow I felt there was more involved.

Fast forward to this past weekend... lying on that table, thinking about all this. I recognized there was more involved in this issue that just being an addict didn't include. Then I had the thought, "I'm glad I did this, even though I haven't lost weight or done anything to deserve it." 

The lightbulb went off - I didn't "need" to do anything to "deserve" it. 

The real reason I didn't get a massage during those lean years was that I didn't feel worthy of spending time and money on myself. I could have come up with the money to pay for it if I really wanted. I thought I had to perform (which, in this situation, meant losing weight) to justify the time and expense... to make myself "worthy." 

One huge struggle during my addiction recovery journey is that I'm loved the way I am. Though I am trying to recognize that who I am isn't defined by what I do, I still don't believe it in my heart. 

Every time I fail, there's more shame... there's more heartache... there's more confirmation that I'll never be able to do this (recover and reach a reasonable weight). Every time I lose a reward that I set up for myself these feelings are magnified and flood over me - and I feel even less worthy.

In fact, using punishment when I fail doesn't help because it's what I already think I deserve... all the time. I am so full of ever-present shame because I got myself into this mess that I punish myself daily - even when I'm experiencing success in my recovery battle. That punishment takes many forms but mostly it's by things like not buying clothes that look good on me because I feel I don't deserve to have them. (I also feel I don't deserve to be happy - possibly one reason for my overwhelming depression - but that's something to ponder more later.)

However, what I realized is that maybe I need to do those types of activities because I already am worthy... even if I'm not able to obtain one full day of abstinence from my eating addiction, even if I'm not successful at my career at the moment, and even if I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never make a difference in this world. 

I am worth spending time and money and effort on myself because I am me... and I don't need another reason. 

Another awareness from this idea is that maybe I've had it wrong all these years (actually, I know I've had it all wrong all these years - this is what got me into this mess). I've had it backward. 

Part of the reason I am so overweight is due to not feeling that I am worth enough to put the time, effort, and money into eating in a healthy way and exercising regularly. So feeling worthy enough to treat myself to a massage when I need it could be a big reminder that I'm also worthy enough to work the 12-Steps and do everything else that's included in eating disorder recovery. 

Then one day, chances are good that abstinence will come - not because I used rewards when I lost a few pounds or punished myself by not allowing myself nice things (like good clothes) when I didn't - but because I learned my worthiness doesn't come from performance...

And though my plan is to continue on this lifelong journey of recovery, I must remember that even if  I never reach my goal weight... I am worthy no matter what.




Monday, June 22, 2020

Literal Calm in the Midst of a Storm


It's been a terrible day.

It’s storming all around me. Incredible winds... thunder/lightning... a small lake forming in the backyard... and I'm in a screened-in porch. I had to move close to the house and put a big bag around my laptop to protect it from the blowing rain so I could write while I enjoyed the sounds, smells, and feelings of the storm. 

However, though externally I'm enjoying the storm, internally I'm a wreck.

It’s one of those days that's been a true roller coaster ride - jerky ups, steep downs, twists and turns and loops, and some boring straightaways. I fought with a company who misled me (and lost), contacted another company who charged me for something I didn’t receive (and won), filed for unemployment once again because they messed up at the unemployment office once again, had a huge fight with my daughter, was interviewed for an article about having a child who deals with mental illness, and did a few mundane chores.

Unfortunately, I don't have the choice of riding again. Most days include similar rides. Some are kiddie versions and some are the latest and greatest thrill rides, but for those who battle mental and physical illnesses as well as addictions, there are very few days with the option of not getting on at least one type of roller coaster.

Finding calm in the midst of these storms while riding that roller coaster is my goal. But how? 

In every addiction recovery group, the importance of gratefulness is mentioned. It's also vital for those with mental illness... or who lean towards pessimism... or actually anyone breathing.   

With everything I've gone through in my life, I thought I had justifiable reasons to be pessimistic. I use it as a safety measure - after all, if I've imagined and prepared for the worst thing that could happen, then I'd be ready for anything. 

But it doesn't work that way. Looking for the bad in everything, consciously or unconsciously, takes its toll. I am a prime example that if you have that attitude long enough, it's extremely difficult to change.  

Having several anxiety disorders doesn't help. In fact, they may be the cause. It's like the question of which came first - the chicken or the egg – but it really doesn't matter. It’s something that needs to be corrected. 

My epiphany started with a phone call. It was pity-party time and my boyfriend mentioned that I should be grateful within my horrible situation. However, earlier in the conversation, he had his own pity-party about an issue he's having. I thought I was so clever when I turned the tables on him, telling him that he should also be grateful in his situation.

Then he said three words that floored me:

"You are right."

I was speechless. I wanted him to agree that us wallowing in pity was okay. I sat there and tried to think of a good counterargument. 

I couldn't.  

There isn't one.  

In both situations, if we each looked hard enough, we could find something to be thankful for, even though just a few moments prior we each thought that these obstacles were insurmountable.

I then thought about other circumstances in my life that have been highly anxiety-producing lately: my eyesight and unemployment benefit problems. Both are massive issues. 

Every time I look around and can’t see something in the distance clearly, it produces anxiety. The doctors said that my eyes just need more time to completely heal after my cataract surgeries but there's always that little voice saying, "But what if they don't?" 

I am currently getting unemployment benefits (PUA) because there is almost no work currently in my field. You might be thinking, "But she can't work anyway due to the cataract surgeries." I could do photography shoots if I had to (it's just harder with these vision issues) so I’m relying on those benefits until events start back. Since I don’t know how long that will be, the anxiety keeps increasing every day my unemployment problems aren’t solved. 

Either issue could make even the most optimistic person worry… and I’m definitely not an optimist. Plus, I am dealing with both as well as several other small, but very burdensome, matters.

So how can I possibly be grateful? I can understand accepting them as "things I cannot change" (from "The Serenity Prayer"), but being grateful? 

Using the skills I use to find the worst in a good situation - and flipping it around - I found ways to be grateful even in bad situations. 

Concerning my eyesight... I don't have to dread the cataract surgeries anymore; because they were postponed to a time when I am out of work, I've been able to rest and heal easier; and even though I can't see clearly yet, my vision is much better without correction than I’ve ever experienced in my conscious memory.

Concerning unemployment... Freelancers typically can’t get unemployment, so receiving anything is a blessing; through working on these latest unemployment issues, I found a mistake in my favor; I discovered a useful app that auto-redials (the only way I could get a human in the unemployment office); and I was able to pass along what I’ve learned to others having similar problems. 

Concerning today’s issues... Although I lost money over the misleading subscription practices, at least I noticed it before I lost even more; the fight with my daughter helped me realize some things about myself that I need to work through; and I was able to contact unemployment the third time I called (a new record!) and hopefully fixed one of the issues.

So, though life might be storming around me while I'm riding that dang roller coaster (aren't rides supposed to be shut down during storms?) gratefulness might be the ticket that leads to calm in its midst.

And on a side note… the storm that was whirling around me when I started this post has now stopped. There's blue sky peeking through the clouds. Birds are singing. The wind is barely blowing. It's really mild for a late June afternoon in the South.

I loved the ferociousness of the storm but also love this calm. I just need to keep reminding myself that being grateful for the positive aspects of each will help me enjoy wherever I am - calm or storm.


... Just as I was finishing up this post and about to go inside, I heard "Taps" being played at a local cemetery.  I have never heard it from my home before. Hearing that wonderful song from so far in the distance during this enormous quiet after all of the sounds of the storm while writing this emotional blog is just one more reason I'm now calling today an amazing day.

Monday, June 15, 2020

Focus

I just realized there's a double-meaning to the title of this post. I picked "Focus" for what I need to be doing as far as activities and professional work in the upcoming weeks. However, as someone who just had cataract surgery on my second eye and who is having trouble "focusing," it works for that too.

As I said, I'm now recovering from my second cataract surgery. I'm really disappointed and frustrated. I can't see with my left eye - the one I use for distance vision. (Note... I have been corrected for what's called monovision - where one eye is corrected to see close up and the other to see far away. With most people, your brain adjusts and uses the correct eye to focus on what is needed at the time while temporarily shutting down the other. I used this method with contacts and had really good success, so I do know my brain can adjust.)

I know that my eye doctor, multiple websites, etc ALL say that it takes, on average, 1-2 weeks for your eyes to get clear - with full clarity not coming for up to 3 months later. My follow-up appointment yesterday went well. I was cleared to drive (though it's scary because I cannot see clearly, but legally I can see well enough), the pressure of my eyeball is fine, and everything is healing the way it should. 

I also realize that because of the monovision, not only does my eye have to adjust to the new lens, my brain has to adjust to making both new lens replacements work together, which will take even longer.

But when you have anxiety and you are a photographer where your livelihood depends on sharp eyesight, the fear is HUGE that you will be one of those few where it doesn't work. 

That's where I am.

It's all I can do to keep from living in a constant panic. I keep testing my eye for improvement - only to not be able to tell any real changes. It doesn't help that the vision issues not only are difficult to deal with to see, but also make me feel really nauseated. As someone who has an eating disorder, this adds to my frustration.

But back to why I initially titled this post "Focus"... 

I am now coming up to almost 3 months of being home practically 24/7 - only going out to to get groceries from Walmart pickup, doctor's appointments, cataract surgeries (obviously) that included staying with my boyfriend because someone had to take care of me afterward, and early on, a few no-contact photography shoots. 

I have gone from being actually a little excited that I had all this "at home" time to getting really depressed to lately being extremely anxious about the future. I am very blessed in that I have been able to receive unemployment so financial issues haven't been a huge problem. However, right now that is supposed to stop the end of July, which is 7 more weeks. 

In thinking about August, even more fear than my usual arrives. I'm primarily an event photographer. Most events won't start back in August; in fact, many concerts might not start back until NEXT August - 2021. Because of lingering depression, it's incredibly difficult to be motivated to figure out what to do. 

I have been drifting for a few weeks now.  I have some ideas on how to make money instead of using photography - mostly through writing and one product idea that could be profitable. But I can't seem to figure out where I need to focus the very little motivation and energy I have each day.

Fast forward to a couple of days later... Because of my limited energy, nausea, and headaches from eye strain, I haven't been able to finish this post. I have been trying to rest and, as much as possible, not obsess over my vision issues. I'm so thankful for others, like my boyfriend, therapist, and support groups, that have given me permission to rest. The guilt and shame I feel from not being productive are so much easier to handle if I know that others empathize with how I feel and are encouraging me to take care of myself.

So, with that in mind, I'm also not going to obsess over this post. I'm not going to read over it a few times to triple-check for errors or for a better way of expressing a thought. I'm going to take care of myself and go lay down. 

(By the way, I give you permission to do the same.)

 

Monday, June 8, 2020

Blah (My Journey Between Cataract Surgeries)...

No real theme for this post, except that I'd like to just share where I am. 

Life just doesn't seem to want to let up. Almost two weeks ago my mom had a stroke. The day after that, I had the first of two surgeries on my eyes due to cataracts. The air went out at my house (at a time when I was told to NOT sweat, and I sweat even when it's in the low 70s). For many reasons, I was the only one who could stay with my mom at the hospital, which I did from Sunday until Friday all day, every day. My daughter had a big issue with her dad and I had to help mediate it. 

Yesterday was the first day I had a break. I expected to be able to rest (finally!) and just be a bum all day. 

It didn't work out that way. 

You see, even before the cataracts, I had horrible vision. When I was about six years old and got glasses for the first time, my parents told me that I looked around and said, "Wow! The trees really DO have leaves." I probably actually had terrible vision from the time I was a toddler or preschooler but just adapted really well. 

My vision was so bad, in fact, that I was the youngest my eye doctor ever put in contacts, because my glasses were so thick that he thought I'd do much better in them. I'm now 52 and I've been wearing contacts since I was 8. 

Thankfully, age-related vision problems started late for me, not like the early 40s as is typical. When they did, as a photographer, I didn't want to wear reading glasses because I would be taking them on and off with every image I took. I tried the multi-focal contacts but I couldn't get used to them (plus, they were thick and due to my extreme dry eye, I needed thin contacts). 

My eye doctor offered another solution - using one eye for near vision and one for far vision. It's one of the cool things about how our brains can adapt... when your eyes start seeing that way, your brain learns when to get most of the data from the eye that's being used more at the time. For me, because I am left-eyed (like some are right-handed), my left eye is for distance and my right eye is for near vision. 

I had a hard time adapting at first to this type of vision correction, but my brain did eventually work well with this system. 

Until it didn't.

As my cataracts got worse, my brain started relying more and more on my left eye, as my right eye had the worse cataract. Plus, I wore my glasses a lot more or didn't use contacts at all and used the tiny bit of clear vision I had about 6-7 inches from my face (no more, no less). My brain couldn't keep up with the changes. 

As the cataract surgery drew near, I went without contacts completely because I had to put drops in my right eye 4 times a day - and couldn't have a contact in when I did it. It was a lot easier to just deal with my glasses (though they weren't the correct prescription - they were old) or with nothing.

So my brain got somewhat re-trained for my eyes to work together to focus. 

Now I have a new lens in my right eye. It's still for near vision and my near vision is amazing - 20/20 in that eye. But my brain hasn't yet re-adjusted to one eye being for near vision and one for far. It's not helping that I take out my contacts at night and so my left eye is incredibly blurry while my right eye can only see up close - but then when I wear them during the day it's the opposite. 

It's amazing just how annoying this is - it gives me a slight headache and just makes me feel "blah."

Are there many other life issues that are much worse? Yes! Does this mean I'm not thankful that my mom is doing well? Of course not! But I'm still very tired and SOOOOO ready for the other surgery in a few days. Then maybe my eyes can learn to work together and I can get past all this. At least I really hope so...


Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Numbers

Have you ever stopped to notice how numbers define our lives?

Some examples:
- Grades
- Bank account balance
- Credit score
- Likes on a social media post
- Facebook friends
- Blood pressure
- Weight
- And with COVID-19, temperature.

Those are just a few examples.

But have you ever gotten depressed over a number?

I have thought about this a lot throughout my life. If you have read much of my blog at all, or if you know me in person, it's apparent I am extremely overweight. My number phobia probably started in elementary school when they weighed every student. It might have been done in private but I think it leaked out. Or maybe I was just embarrassed that the number might get out. But either way, I remember it as being traumatic. 

Fast forward to a little later in life... the number still terrified me. However, I didn't know that it was possible to refuse to be weighed at the doctor, or at least to turn around so I didn't have to see the number on those few instances when it was necessary for them to get an accurate number. I would actually avoid going to the doctor for something like an ear infection because I knew hearing the actual number of my weight would spiral me into depression.

I deal with clinical depression and chronic, horrible anxiety, and have since I was a young teenager. When I say that it would depress me, I don't mean that it would make me sad... it would make me want to crawl into the bed and ironically, eat. This depression and unrelenting anxious thoughts related to it could last for weeks.

I know the saying that your weight is just a measure of the gravitational pull of the earth on a scale and it has nothing to do with your self-worth. That saying is really, really true... but it doesn't help my phobia - or my depression when I do hear that dang number.

In the past few years, I have been extremely diligent about avoiding hearing that information. But one day when I had to be weighed for a medical thing, I broke my rule. I asked what the number was (after telling them I didn't want to hear it). 

BIG MISTAKE.

Now I can't unhear it. 

I even dreamed about it last night, even though this happened a couple of months ago. I can't shake it. 

My depression is beginning to lift but it took a good month. It still fills me with so much shame and embarrassment. My boyfriend knows some of my biggest secrets - I tell him just about everything - but I just can't tell him this. I KNOW he won't love me any less for knowing it... but I just can't say it out loud. 

At the moment, I'm helping my mom who is an inpatient in the hospital after a small stroke, literally typing this on my laptop in the hospital room. Being in the hospital with her brought back up this issue of numbers. For her, the key numbers are sodium level, blood pressure, oxygen level, and heart rate. The numbers have got to be in an acceptable range before she can go home, so they are extremely important. 

Because of this importance, they also have the power to cause depression. But it's the kind that's more "just" sad, not an episode of clinical depression that can last for a long time. There is a difference.

Does anyone else deal with this? I know I can't be alone in this phobia but because I don't talk about it, I don't know of anyone else who deals with it. I would love for you to comment if so.

Maybe one day we will all be able to accept ourselves enough to actually know in our hearts that our self-worth isn't based on the number on a scale. I hope so...

 

Sunday, May 24, 2020

On the Merry-Go-Round Once More

It has been a truly emotional week - both good and bad. You would think I would be used to riding this mood roller coaster by now, living with bipolar as well as going through all kinds of crap throughout my life, but it's still hard to deal with.

First, the really good news... two months after I first filed for unemployment because of COVID-19 issues, I finally received it, including some (not all) of the weeks I filed in the past but didn't get anything. This has been an incredible stressor off of me, as even though I had a decent amount of money still out due to the way my clients pay me and I had a little bit saved up, I knew it wouldn't last forever. I tried not to worry, but I had a huge underlying stress every minute of every day during that time of uncertainty.

So, that's a big relief.

But medical issues... Ah, medical issues... Many years ago I wrote an article about the issue of not finding answers to my medical issues - or at least not ones that help. I updated it and posted it last year. If you go to https://www.spotlightonstigma.com/2019/09/on-merry-go-round-again.html and read it, you'll see more where I'm coming from.

The past couple of weeks I've been spinning again on that merry-go-round. I virtually saw my sleep specialist after the last failed attempt at using a BiPAP (similar to CPAP) machine for my truly horrible sleep apnea. I finally got to see a rheumatologist after suspecting I have fibromyalgia for many years. I also actually asked my primary doctor to prescribe something for the GERD (acid reflux) that she told me I have, but that taking an OTC acid reducer didn't help (hoping the prescription will help more). I also was finally able to reschedule my appointment for my cataract surgery after COVID-19 postponed the original one.

Second, the good news... I guess. My rheumatologist did confirm that I have fibro as well as an overarching syndrome called Joint Hypermobility Syndrome. Though hearing you have yet another lifelong, chronic condition isn't good news in and of itself, he does have a treatment that he uses that most rheumatologists don't.

In fact, that's why I decided to pursue a diagnosis - my daughter switched to him after already being diagnosed with really bad fibro but the doctor told her there was nothing she could do other than yoga or water aerobics to help the pain. Always before I had assumed that there was nothing that could be done about it, so why take the money and time to pursue that particular diagnosis?

The frustrating part about that good news is that there was a mix-up with calling in that wonderful prescription and I have no idea when I'll be able to get started on it. I'm hoping for one day later this week, but I just don't know.

At least the fibro diagnosis only had one frustrating part. The sleep apnea was an incredible debacle...

So, third - the pursing of an alternative to the BiPAP machine. I was originally diagnosed with both really bad Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA) and Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) in 2007. RLS was able to be somewhat controlled through meds but I tried various types of CPAP machines and different masks and couldn't handle any of them. After trying and trying, I gave up. If I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself a lot of time, trouble, and money.  But there's nothing I can do about that now.

(Note... CPAP and BiPAP are two versions of the same type of OSA therapy. Throughout this I might use them interchangeably but they mean the same type of thing.)

Then around 2014-15 I decided I'd try again. I thought maybe the technology was better with the machines or there was another new therapy that would help. The same thing happened. No matter what I did, I couldn't sleep with the BiPAP going.

This time I took it a step further... I went to an ENT. He told me I had several issues that made me a horrible candidate for CPAP/BiPAP therapy - a severe overbite that put my lower jaw too far back, a deviated septum, and a large tongue (gross to think about). Surgery could fix the first two but jaw surgery is a big surgery with a long recovery period, so that was out. Because fixing the deviated septum alone didn't seem like it would help that much, I gave up again on this therapy.

Something the ENT has stuck with me since that visit. He actually got mad... saying something like "These neurologists should never prescribe a CPAP without consulting an ENT who can sometimes automatically tell if the patient can use one or not." So all that time I fought with the machine was for nothing! I never would have been able to use it. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

After seeing the ENT and finding out about my jaw, my neurologist prescribed a custom-fitted mouthguard to bring my lower jaw forward. Getting that mouthguard was a huge mess in and of itself, which I won't go into. But I tried the mouthguard and even went back for another sleep study solely to see how much it helped. During the follow-up visit, my neurologist said that it wasn't a big improvement and since it was a pain to deal with, I also abandoned that treatment even though the mouth guard cost like $750 out of pocket. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

So... a few more years roll around and I had a routine visit with my cardiologist. He told me that there were was a brand new treatment for OSA that didn't have anything to do with tubes or mouthguards. It's a hypoglossal nerve stimulator (brand name "Inspire") which basically is similar to a pacemaker for your airway, keeping it open throughout the night.

I decided to look into this option. I got a new sleep specialist (who was the first one I really felt had my best interest at heart and didn't just want to push CPAP treatments). During our first visit, I explained my history and that I wanted to look into this new surgical option. She told me that because it was new, they were pretty strict on the criteria to qualify and at this time I wouldn't due to my high BMI (which, ironically, is probably at least partially so high BECAUSE of the apnea... sigh...)

She did, however, tell me that the technology once again had changed and would I again try the BiPAP? She also told me that the settings the last neurologist had used were way too high and it was no wonder that I couldn't stand it.

In addition, she asked why I was no longer using the mouthguard. I told her that the last doctor said it wasn't helping. She said that it was, just not enough to "cure" the apnea. This kind of ticked me off. I could have been using it that entire time and could have had a little better sleep. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

Against my better judgment, I gave in and decided to try the newest, latest BiPAP machine and ending up getting a mask that was hot off the press. I really thought this time it would work.

I was wrong.

Once again, I tried and tried. This time I also added in another mouthguard, but one I didn't have to see a dentist to get (you fit it yourself). I didn't really try the mouthguard much without the BiPAP, as I thought my jaw was part of the reason the BiPAP wasn't working. In hindsight, I should have at least kept using the mouthguard when the BiPAP therapy wasn't an option. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

I also had sinus surgery, as I knew my sinus issues were at least part of the reasons I couldn't use the BiPAP. The sinus surgery corrected one of the issues but didn't help enough for me to be able to use the machine.

Life got really busy and so I just put the machine in the closet and just prayed that I wouldn't have a heart attack due to the apnea (one of my biggest fears). I didn't want to follow-up because she acted like she had exhausted all of her options anyway, so why deal with one more doctor's appointment?

Then a couple of years passed. I thought that maybe by now they would have relaxed the qualifications on the nerve stimulator and I might qualify now. So I made an appointment with her to discuss it. It takes months to get in to see her and guess when my appointment hit?  Yes, right as the COVID-19 restrictions made most doctor's offices close. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

I had to wait a couple more months for the appointment, but thankfully I was able to get in to see her virtually relatively quickly. I suggested trying the nerve stimulator and said that maybe the standards were less now. She checked with the ENT who does this procedure. (See? An ENT consult IS needed for sleep apnea issues!)

This is where it really got messed up. She told me that they require a recent sleep study - within 3 years. My last one was too old. I haven't yet mentioned this but I HATE sleep studies. I can't sleep; I have horrible anxiety; and I am more than miserable the entire time. I had said I would never do another one. But if it was required, what could I do? I agreed to do the sleep study appointment.

She also told me that they would have to do an Upper GI to see how my airway opens and closes in order to see if I was a candidate for that treatment. An Upper GI isn't fun, by any means, but it's much easier than a sleep study.

After I got home, I realized that I might not qualify because of the way my airway opens and closes (I assumed that if my BMI was still a rule-out, I would find that out early on). So I called the ENT's office and asked if I could do the Upper GI first. If it showed I was still a candidate, then I would do the updated sleep study. After all, I had two sleep studies that showed I had it and it doesn't cure itself, so I definitely still had OSA. The scheduler supposedly asked the doctor and said that I had to have the sleep study first.

Well, the day came for the sleep study. My anxiety rose all day even though I tried really hard to keep myself calm. One thing I comforted myself with was that I didn't have to have the RLS leads, which I hate more than all the other leads combined (except the nasal cannula - it's #1).

I got to the clinic and when the tech came in to hook up the leads, she reached down to my legs. This wasn't my first rodeo so I knew what she was doing and I objected. I won't go into that whole story, but let's just say I lost and had to have them. If I had thought about it ahead of time and specifically asked my doctor to mention not to do that part of the test, I probably wouldn't have had to do it. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

I'm also not going to go into the details about the sleep study. It was just as bad as I remembered... no, it was worse. The ONLY thing that was good was that I was exhausted so I was able to sleep a little on the front end of the night. I knew from past experience that an hour or so of data is enough so I knew I had enough by the wee hours of the morning. I was able to leave at 3:00am, which was wonderful (though I was messed up from the anxiety and lack of decent sleep for a couple days afterward).

But I was glad it was done. Now I should be able to at least get to step two towards the nerve stimulator treatment, right? WRONG!

My follow-up with the ENT was two days after the sleep study. Once more, I won't go into all the ENT said, but the main point was that the nerve stimulator wasn't an option because of my BMI. WHAT?! So I went through that sleep study for nothing?!

He gave me some other options, none of which are really good options - soft palate surgery (which is mentioned twice is really painful), jaw surgery, which I already knew was major surgery with a long recovery time, and a tracheostomy, which "wouldn't be that bad because I could plug it up during the day." WHAT?! A trach?! Jaw surgery that takes literally months to heal? Soft palate surgery that is really painful (and doctors never admit that something is going to be painful so it must be really bad).

I got home and spent the day extremely depressed. That horrible sleep study (and the huge copay) may have been for nothing. As of right now, I did go on and make the appointment for the Upper GI test, just to know my options - exactly which of the procedures I would need to get done. However, I might cancel it. I already know I would need the jaw surgery and that's the one that has the longest recovery time. I just can't be off work that long. However, I might cancel the appointment and just keep praying that the apnea won't cause something like a heart attack. After all, there's nothing I can do about that now (or at least nothing I feel I'm willing to do about that now.)

And last, the cataract surgery. This blog is already way too long but I wanted to mention it. Right now the first one is four days away and the one on the other eye is two weeks after that. I'm again really nervous. Everyone I talk to says it's not a big deal but it seems like no medical procedure is simple for me. But hopefully both surgeries will go well and for the first time since I was a preschooler (or maybe earlier), I will be able to see clearly without glasses or contacts.




Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Exhaustion From COVID-19 - Not the Illness, But From Helping to Flatten the Curve

COVID-19 has affected society in so many ways. When the CDC first asked everyone to stay at home as much as possible, I didn't think too much of it. In fact, I kind of liked the idea... at first.

When I first heard it was going to be much longer than I had originally thought, the idea became a lot harder to deal with... but it was still doable. My initial impression had been how much I could get done with not as much paid work as before (though that worried me on another level) and so much time at home. As the time was extended, that was still my goal - to get a lot of projects done that I normally don't have time for.

But nothing in me realized how it would feel to be home so much - and its unanticipated effects. 

One of those has been exhaustion... bone-weary, fall-asleep-at-my-desk, can't-think exhaustion.

There are so many factors directly related to the pandemic that could be playing into this issue:

- Not getting enough sunlight...
     Lack of sunlight affects us physically in two main ways. First, being in direct sunlight for about 10-30 minutes a day helps your body produce vitamin D, which is essential in warding off fatigue. Second, the lack of sunlight causes your body to produce more melatonin, which helps make you sleepy. On top of these, there is a psychological boost to being outside and spending time in the sun.

- Anxiety...
     Excessive worry causes tiredness due to many factors. It's draining to try to figure out solutions constantly, especially if the cause of the worry doesn't have a solution (like COVID-19). Your adrenaline runs high with anxiety and when it finally runs out, there can be a physical crash. Wanting to get away from the worrisome thoughts may lead to naps which makes sleeping at night more difficult. Insomnia from this stress can also lead to being very tired during the day.

- Lack of exercise...
     We don't realize how much we are up and moving around in the course of a typical workday. Even short times of movement like walking to and from your home/office to the car add up. Kids activities, church events, social gatherings... these all lead to not sitting as much. I know that for some, being at home has caused increased exercise - maybe from chasing children who would normally be at school or cooking and cleaning more because of more bodies being in the house all day. But for many of us, the days are passed through more screentime than we are used to and thus, less being up and about.

- Too much or too little noise...
     Too much noise can cause what's called "listener fatigue." There are many who are used to having at least periods of quiet at home or work during the day. More people at home, as well as more screentime, often means more noise to deal with. On the other side, for those who may be home alone may have too little noise, which subconsciously promotes the feeling that it's time to sleep.

 - Boredom...
     Like anxiety, being bored can lead to activities and behaviors which interfere with good sleep. Not having a lot of plans can lead to staying in bed longer than typical in the morning, taking naps throughout the day, and going to bed early at night.

- Eye strain...
     Because of the screentime increases in most households, eye strain can be a problem. This can result from looking at something at one set distance for long periods. In the course of a regular day at school, work, or even leisure, there are a variety of things to look at - all different distances. For example - going to your child's ball game. Getting ready involves going back and forth from looking for what you may wear to what you are putting on to looking in a mirror to just looking around the room. The drive there includes looking out the window, looking at the speedometer, and looking at others in the car. Once you are at the ballpark, you are watching your child play ball, checking your phone, looking at the back of the ball field for the score, etc. During the stay-at-home order, there often are much longer periods of watching tv, gaming, or Zoom meetings where you look at one place. This eye strain can lead to feeling worn out when all you've done is sat in a chair all day.

- Grieving/Depression...
     Everyone has lost something during COVID-19. It could be having to cancel special plans, job/income loss, a relationship, or just the freedom of being able to run into a store without worrying about wearing a mask and abiding by social distancing measures. Grief is hard on both your physical and emotional state. It often leads to a period of depression. One of the main symptoms of depression is not being motivated to do tasks that were loved before. This lack of motivation, like several other factors mentioned, leads to less activity, more naps, and generally an interruption of regular sleep cycles, which contribute to fatigue.

- Too much caffeine or rich/sugary foods...
     Caffeine and sugar are often used as ways to wake up. But what many don't think about is how after that period of being artificially alert, there is a crash. The fatigue that some of the other issues listed have caused is only exacerbated by using stimulants such as sugar and caffeine to combat it due to this crash later. Plus, these can interrupt getting deep sleep at night due to the effects of caffeine lasting into bedtime and GI issues from too many rich foods.
     
- Not enough water...
     Dehydration is a sneaky thing. It's obvious when you have been outside in the hot sun and haven't been drinking water. But it's way too easy to miss when you are home all day and just forget to drink as much. Maybe you are used to having a water bottle at your desk at work but can't seem to remember to carry it around with you while you are at home. Maybe it's because you are used to bottled water but there is a shortage in your area. Maybe it's because since you are home you are drinking more soda or alcohol than you would normally drink in a typical day. But either way, even mild dehydration can lead to fatigue.

- And finally, actually having COVID-19...
   One of the top symptoms of COVID-19 is excessive fatigue because it's a byproduct of your body fighting the virus. Add to that, other COVID-19 symptoms can lead to not getting good sleep, like continuous coughing or a high fever. 

So when I am fighting exhaustion, there is a continuous battle playing out in my brain... Is it one, two, or a combination of many of the non-COVID-19 causes listed above or do I have one of those cases of COVID-19 where I don't really have the other symptoms? Without being able to get tested every time I feel really tired, I'll never really know. 

What I'm doing is trying to work on as many of the preventable non-COVID-19 exhaustion causes as I can. I'm taking extra vitamin D and trying to get outside every day for just a few minutes if I can't do more. I'm trying to be grateful for little things, which helps with both anxiety and grieving/depression. Exercising isn't happening but I'm working on a plan to do so. I try to control noise levels and eye strain (though not always successful). I finally got to the point where I carry water with me all day. 

All I can do is control what is possible to control. There's that Serenity Prayer again: God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Thursday, May 7, 2020

Mania to Depression During COVID-19


I have bipolar disorder, Type 2, which some consider "mild"... but live in my shoes for a few weeks and you'll think it's anything but mild.

As with many mental illnesses, one can be high-functioning or lower-functioning, depending on the severity of the illness, support from others, etc. 

Maybe it's because performing well is a major part of my self-worth; maybe it's the work ethic I've been brought up with; maybe it's something else, but I have to be really, really depressed to keep me from working if I have a deadline for a task.

Lately, I’ve been that depressed.

Today I realized a couple of the reasons...

First, the obvious: I mentioned why I feel I am high functioning despite having a serious disorder. COVID-19 has robbed some of that from me and I hadn't even realized it.

My main job is as an event photographer. I supplement my income with rideshare (Uber/Lyft), mystery shopping, and some writing. So, three out of four of my main sources of income have been taken away, as I'm high risk so photography, rideshare, and mystery shopping are all out.

I thought my recent severe depression was due to the financial stress of losing my main three sources of income. But today I realized it's a lot deeper.

I get a lot of my self-worth by hearing how great a job I've done on a project. Since all this social isolation started, I've gotten very little of that positive feedback. There has been almost no photography work and my writing though "good enough" isn't award-winning.

This has affected me more than I like to admit. I had no idea how much I thrived on hearing those accolades or even just giving them to myself when I took a great photo. Both the photography and writing assignments I've gotten haven't lent themselves to getting those types of compliments. They are good... just not "great." Many mystery shops are scored... and I love getting those high "grades." Even with rideshare, you can tell when a customer has enjoyed the trip, and even when my riders don't mention it, I can tell when I've done a good.

Currently, I don't have that steady stream of compliments. With the work I've managed to get, I send the photos and/or articles to the newspaper and then hopefully later see them published. I don't get any, "Wow, that was a great photo!" or "I really enjoyed that article. You had some wonderful insights."

Then there is the mania/depression cycle that is inherent in Bipolar Disorder and its impact on all this.

At the beginning of the stay-at-home orders, I was mostly manic (I am a rapid cycler and can cycle between moods even within a day). I had so many hopes and plans about what I could get done since I had to be stuck at home - all the projects I've been putting off for a while, sometimes years.

The mania stuck with me long enough to get started on several projects. I pitched some great ideas to my editor (of course I thought they were great - I was manic). I was going to catch up on personal photo editing, go through and get rid of lots of stuff in my attic, finish updating a series of articles that never got published, clean out and organize all of my camera equipment, list most of this extra stuff on eBay, work on the book I started writing months back, etc. And then, in my spare time, I was going to take over the world.

It hasn't happened quite that way.

To my credit, I have had a lot of issues that got in the way. Major computer problems showed up that had to be resolved before I could do anything else. I re-did my photography website which took at least four times longer than it should have, due to issues with the new hosting site. My daughter broke her foot which caused some hassles. I started showing symptoms and, though I tested negative, haven't felt well more days than not. Basically, it seemed like everything I tried to do took at least two or three times longer than usual... or more!

So, my list of all of the things I planned to do during my COVID-19 isolation should be mostly done by now. 

It hasn't been. 

Not by a long shot. 

I have made progress and have gotten a lot done, but one thing about the mania, you think you can do so much more... and it's just not possible. Then you get down on yourself for not finishing all you started. Then that depression leads to doing even less. The only thing that breaks this cycle is a new manic period, but then though I do get more done, I add more to the list.

Sigh...

This has happened before but usually, steady work gets in the way. In other words, I make the plans but there's a part of me that knows I probably won't be able to finish many of them. In the COVID-19 isolation situation, my expectation of finishing that crazy amount of tasks was way too high - and the disappointment when there is still a lot more on my list even after almost two months of being home has driven me into a deep depression, which, ironically, has made it more difficult to get anything done.

My plan is to take some time and try to list everything I HAVE gotten done during this crisis. Maybe being positive and putting the emphasis on what I've finished instead of what I haven't will help list some of my depression and give me hope again.

With writing this, it occurred to me... maybe I'm not the only one who feels this way. Maybe others with high-functioning Bipolar or other mental illnesses are having similar problems coping with these kinds of issues. Maybe, just maybe, it's not just me.


Wednesday, May 6, 2020

My Heart is Breaking Once Again

I don't know how many of you have children with multiple physical and mental issues, but it's hard. I mean, HARD! As a parent, one thing you most want for your children is for them to be successful in whatever they want to do... whether it's to be a stay-at-home mom, a garbage collector, a doctor, or anything else.

She did so much to become all she could as she was growing up... All those years of trotting around to lessons and sporting events and after-school activities... All those years of Science fair projects and research papers and practicing math facts... All those years of teaching manners and work ethic and compassion for others... Sometimes I feel like all of that was for nothing because of the diseases and conditions and syndromes that my almost 21-year-old has to deal with.

Last semester her physical and mental health issues caused her to have to drop out of college and take incompletes for 3 of her classes (she was able to finish 2 through a lot of pushing through). She now has about a week to make up the work that she missed in those classes in order to change the incompletes to credits or they will turn into F's.

She worked so very hard last semester to try to get everything done but her own body and mind became her worst enemy. It just wasn't possible to push through and do everything needed in time.

So she took the incompletes, knowing that a couple of months to focus on her health and it would be no problem to finish these 3 classes when she was already so close... right???

Just as she was starting to recover from all of the trauma and stress of last semester and was again able to focus on getting into various specialists (which always takes a while), the world stopped. She had made several appointments but then she only got into one before doctors' offices closed for anything except for emergencies or COVID related cases.

Even without the doctors' appointments and treatments being done, at least she could go on and get in touch with her professors and start her work, right? NOPE! About the time she planned to do that, the college shut down. The professors were scrambling to switch to online learning for their current students so she felt bad about bothering them to help her get started on her classes.

At this point, she had plenty of time to finish so it wasn't a big deal. But as the deadline loomed closer and closer, stress about finishing set in and exacerbated her symptoms. This was heightened by stress about COVID-19, both because she is high risk and because she can't work.

As a parent of a child with an invisible illness, I often get "advice" on how I should be pulling back and letting her take care of her life on her own. "She's smart and she's 20 years old now," they would say, having no idea how hard it can be just for her to get out of bed each day or take a shower without almost passing out. They see her on good days and so, for them, she should be able to be doing these kinds of things on her own by now.

But what the advice-givers don't understand is that ongoing struggle. They haven't seen her cry because it hurt to get dressed. They haven't seen her try to study (and she really is smart) where she would read the same paragraph over and over and not be able to retain the information.

So this is my dilemma in all of this... How much do I push her to finish? How much do I let her do it on her own, knowing that the consequences could be failing those classes and ultimately not finishing school (because she's already struggling so much, any issue like having to make up these classes, could be too much)?

I've been walking this tightrope for a few weeks now and finally really talked to her about it last week. She said she did want to finish and I and some of her friends said they would help her in any way we could.

So I had hope that at least this chapter of her life would be okay... until she was in so much pain that she again missed a virtual voice lesson earlier this week. I was devastated... and so mad.

Your first thought might be that I was upset and mad at her. I'm not. I'm so f'n mad at these diseases that are robbing my beautiful, talented, smart daughter out of living the life she should be able to that sometimes I can't see straight.

I don't know what to do with these feelings. It's not going to change. She has been able to see a couple more doctors virtually the past couple of weeks, as offices are switching to that format, but there are still no answers. The more I learn about her conditions, the more I realize that she will probably have to deal with chronic pain and mental health issues her entire life. There are no cures. There isn't even an effective treatment for most of the issues she deals with.

The best we can hope for is a reduction in pain, a reduction in depression and anxiety, a reduction in the symptoms that keep her from living life.

Now she's at less than a week. I'm worried she won't finish, but I can't do it for her. Once again, it's time for the Serenity Prayer...
     "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Another Week of Solitude

Another week... For the most part, my computer issues have stayed away (though I still haven't fixed those small other issues I found). However, the virus hasn't. My older brother was diagnosed on Monday after starting to show symptoms last Thursday night. His girlfriend started showing symptoms yesterday.

I'm still thankful... it looks like he's going to have a relatively mild case. He's had no breathing issues and his fever never got that high (it's been about like a seasonal flu in his case). He hasn't had to stay in bed all day, every day. He was able to "attend" our family's virtual Easter get-together and he seemed to be fine (even though we all knew he wasn't).

That said, it's still been difficult. He was over at our house to eat supper with us the same evening he started showing symptoms. My 82-year-old parents and I have now definitely been exposed. So it's the waiting game the whole world has been playing... waiting to see if we get it; waiting to see if we are the lucky ones that have it mildly; waiting to see if we may have infected someone else... but now the game's on hyperdrive.

My anxiety and depression have been constant companions during the quarantine but now they are also on hyperdrive. At least they've taken turns fighting for which one is in charge each day. Anxiety took the lead and pulled way ahead after we first realized my brother was symptomatic. Then Anxiety went into cruise mode and wasn't doing anything remarkable - just still there, holding his own by steadily whispering random thoughts and worries straight into my ear...

"What will we do if he gets sicker? He lives alone - are you guys going to just let him fight this out himself or will you go help him, though that would be risking your own lives? What will we do if one of us gets sick? What will you do if you've infected someone else you love? How are you going to be able to live with that guilt?" (I did see my boyfriend and daughter over the weekend because I thought I might lose it if I didn't see some friendly faces.)

Ironically, Anxiety wasn't worried about keeping the lead in the race, so Depression (which usually doesn't care about winning - it's all she can do to enter the race and just get started) zoomed ahead into first place. She caused me to feel numb and not care, after Anxiety had made me care too much. She kept that first-place pace for a while and her whispers were more like yelling...

"Why even try?! What good will it do?! If your brother can get sick when he was so careful and interacted with almost no-one, then what kind of chance do you and your parents have when you guys are high risk and he isn't?! You are never going to get the things done you wanted to do during this time, so why even work on them?! You might as well give up on addiction recovery, too, while we are at it! You'll never see any real progress there, especially with the food addiction! It's just too hard! You can't do it!"

Then there was the late entry from the twins... Insomnia and Exhaustion. They must be drinking major energy drinks, because they found the reserves somewhere to recently speed past Anxiety and even overtake Depression. Maybe it's because they work together and can take turns driving and also because they are focusing on driving instead of talking to me, but it doesn't matter why - they are definitely in the lead at this point.

When I am able to fight off the monologues by Anxiety and Depression and try to get something done, Insomnia and Exhausted make that work time much shorter than I'd like. Exhaustion makes me fall asleep at my desk; fall asleep in the tub; fall asleep when eating meals... then his twin, Insomnia, jumps in so that the only time I don't fall asleep and stay asleep is at night, in bed.

Somehow I've got to learn to withdraw from this particular race because I know that there's no way I - Tracy - can win when these opponents are so strong.

Maybe withdrawing isn't the answer, though. Maybe I need a yellow flag - and resign myself to last place for the duration of the race (pandemic quarantine). If Exhaustion is in the lead, I need to take a nap without guilt. If Insomnia, then a middle-of-the-night cleaning binge or other similar work is okay. If Anxiety is whispering constantly, instead of fighting the thoughts, I need to make a plan, knowing that I can change it if needed. If Depression is yelling, then to quiet her down, I can answer with things I am thankful for and that are going okay, if not "great."

If I recognize that they have superior cars, pit crews, and probably cheat a lot, and try not to win this particular race, just maybe it will be enough to keep going with life until life gets back to whatever normal is.






Thursday, April 9, 2020

About a Month into Quarantine...

From my best guess (I didn't write it down), I started trying to stay home around March 12. Today is April 9 so it's been almost a month since I've been at home.

I haven't been at home all day every day during that time. At first, I did go to a few places where I stayed away from crowds but still got out of my house. But the majority of the days I have stayed home. There were a few days that I thought I was coming down with COVID-19 and, to keep my family safe, I stayed in my suite (which thankfully has a bathroom.)

I am a freelancer/gig worker. I'll do just about anything legal to make money but my jobs boil down to basically 4 things - photographer, Uber/Lyft driver, mystery shopper, and writer with writing being the thing I did the least of... until this month.

Now writing has kept me going as it's not safe to do any of the other jobs since both I and my family are all high risk to catch COVID-19. The only problem with it is that I only have had a few articles that I have been able to write, as I'm just a new writer and don't have a lot of contacts at this point.

But it really hasn't mattered as I've had MAJOR computer issues that started not long before all this happened. I have spent 5-6 hours a day many days of the quarantine working on trying to fix these issues. I still haven't gotten them all fixed but I do have enough fixed that now I can generally work doing more than troubleshooting issues.

It's been frustrating, to say the least. When I first heard about staying home, there was a tiny part of me (NOT the financial part) that was excited that I "had" to stay home. I have so many projects that I had been putting off because I just haven't had the time that I hoped to get done.

Then the tech issues got worse and couldn't be ignored. So my focus had to shift to fixing them. Each day I would cross only one thing off my list, if that. The only thing that had been keeping up my morale was that I could get that original list accomplished before life got back to normal and that wasn't happening.

I went into a deep depression but the determination to win over these stupid computer issues kept me from staying in bed all day like I wanted to. I kept heading to the computer each morning, trying new things or trying old things again but hoping they would work this time.

This past Monday I finally got most of the issues fixed. I'm still dealing with some of them, but I'm taking them slowly because they aren't integral to day-to-day computer tasks.

My mood has been better because now I can actually see some progress on the things I wanted to get done. It's still not great, though, because I'm exhausted from all of that effort plus anxiety over what's going on in the world.

But, for today, I'm thankful I can use my computer without too many issues and no-one I love is sick. And that's good enough.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

Perfectionism and Anxiety

Write about anxiety over getting my eyes checked - wanting them to double check.

Being Socially Isolated with Mental Health Issues - A Perspective for Loved Ones

One of the mental health conditions I deal with is social anxiety. So you would probably think that I rejoiced when the CDC guidelines came down about social isolation. 

However, social anxiety doesn't mean I want to be a hermit. I still crave certain types of human interaction, just not all of them (like crowds, small talk, or making phone calls), and the amount of anxiety I feel about social situations varies depending on where I am with my other mental health issues. In fact, with everything going on, I need social contact more than ever.

In my case, I have bipolar disorder, type 2, which means my mania isn't as high as type 1 but my depression can go lower. I also have generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, social anxiety, agoraphobia, addiction issues, and I'm pretty sure I have ADD.

When I am manic... 
I get hyper-focused on multi-tasking several things. So in this case, when a friend reaches out to me, I often ignore the phone call or text until a later time "when I'm finished with what I'm doing." 

It's not that I'm ignoring that person as I often really want to touch base, especially now when there's so little regular human interaction taking place. It's just that once my brain is locked on to getting certain tasks accomplished right now, I can't switch out of that mode quickly. 

In my mind, I always think I'm almost finished and I can call or text that person right back. But then one of these possibilities usually occurs:
- I take much longer than I thought to complete the tasks and the person is no longer available; or
- I am absolutely worn out from my frantic focusing (seems like an oxymoron but it really isn't) and I just can't deal with communicating with anyone at that point; or
- I just plain forget that you called because the part of my brain that remembers those types of things was being used to keep up with all of the tasks I was trying to accomplish.

To my loved ones: 
Please understand that I'm not ever ignoring you because I don't want to hear from you or because I don't value our relationship. I know that if I did manage to stop what I was doing to take that call or reply to that text, I would be very distracted. My plan is always to wait until I have calmed down from all of the tasks to focus on you. The problem is that it rarely works out that way. If you haven't heard back from me soon, don't assume it's because I don't want to talk. Reach out again.

When I'm anxious... 
Another way I'm affected during social isolation is how hard it is for me to reach out. This is due to my social anxiety. Making a phone call can take a herculean effort. It sounds crazy and when I step back and look at it, it is. 

I will often put off making a phone call for hours or until it's too late, even when I really need or want to talk to the one I'm calling. I've always assumed it's because I don't want to disturb that person but I don't know if that's the actual reason or just one I can deal with. It also may be fear of rejection... if the phone isn't answered. It doesn't matter why I feel this way though because I've tried to overcome it and I haven't been able to.

Anyway, texting is easier to use for initial reaching out but it's hard to really have a good conversation. The way I often get around this is that I will text someone I want to talk to and ask if I can call. That's also awkward if it's someone I don't know well (and impossible if the person doesn't text or if it's a business call) so it doesn't work in all situations.

To my loved ones: 
Please understand that I want to reach out to you so much more than I actually do. I think about it many times during the day but if I'm having a hard time with anxiety, making that initial contact with you can take more effort than I have, especially with all of the anxiety that COVID-19 has brought. Don't forget about me and reach out to me, as when I'm in this state I can take calls and texts... I just can't make them myself.

When I'm depressed... 
Depression is a time that it's hard for me to communicate with others no matter what. However, when I'm really depressed (and sometimes when I'm really anxious), I need to know you are there for me more than ever. 

Clinical depression is a state where you often literally can't make yourself do what you want to do or enjoy. Concentration issues, crying, feeling hopeless, apathy, and irritability are other common symptoms. 

During a depressive phase, I need to know that someone cares while at the same time I don't want to burden others with how I feel. I don't want to snap at you because I'm so frustrated I can't stand it or spend an entire conversation on the phone crying.

To my loved ones... 
If we haven't communicated in a while, please make the effort to reach out to me. If you call, know that I might not be able to talk. Talk to me. Tell me about your day. Something as simple as listening to you breathe while you watch tv can help, even if neither of us says a word. It's a reminder that someone is out there and cares when I feel so alone. If I'm severely depressed, a phone call at the right time can literally save my life (and actually did for my daughter).

So what do you do when the one you love is like me and has multiple issues that each take different strategies to overcome? I have talked to my boyfriend, daughter, and friends when I am in a good mental health state about these issues so they know how to respond when I'm not. I also never mind being asked at the beginning of a conversation where I am with my mental health, so ask if that's an option in your situation.

Just don't give up on those you love with mental issues, ESPECIALLY during this fearful time in history. We need you now more than ever.

(At least I don't have to worry about my agoraphobia, as there are no crowds right now! 😅)

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Boredom x Depression + Anxiety = Misery

I am getting bored. Not the "I don't have anything to do" kind of bored, because as a freelancer, I ALWAYS have something to do.

However, I'm getting to the "there's nothing I want to do" stage of this COVID-19 social isolation quarantine. I pushed through this past week and even was able to do some of the things I didn't want to do. This was mixed in with things at least didn't mind doing or at least items I wanted to check off my list so badly that I got them done.

But you know how there are things on your to-do list that are overwhelming for one reason or another... those things you tend to procrastinate with much more than everything else? I'm at that stage of my "what to do during the quarantine" list.

The next points on my list are either difficult, for little reward, or just plain ol' not fun. My anxiety is at a level where I'm kind of shaky from nerves no matter what I do. My depression is at a level where my motivation is almost nonexistent.

One of the major characteristics of depression is that you don't want to do activities that you previously enjoyed doing. One characteristic of anxiety is having trouble concentrating due to the racing thoughts you just can't get rid of. This makes any task extra hard to do.

Take, for example, watching TV. There isn't a TV show, Youtube video, or Netflix movie on that will overcome the racing thoughts I'm dealing with as well as the nervous feeling that makes it hard to stay still. (It's hard enough sitting here at my desk to do this, but at least my mind and fingers are busy.) My go-to when I can't find anything else to watch is usually a comedian. Nothing is funny right now. I'm not crying at everything so that's a step in the right direction, but laughter feels very, very far away.

Another example is Candy Crush. I would almost consider myself a Candy Crush addict, as there are times I want to quit but I keep finding myself saying, "Just one more game," until I run out of lives, even if that means another hour has passed. I still play but purely because it's a habit. I don't find it enjoyable. Before all this happened, I only had a limited amount of time I could play, just because I was so busy. Now, however, I keep reaching for my phone to play when I know I have more lives, but it's just not fun. It's kinda stressful, in fact.

I love organization and I've been cleaning out stuff, trying to find things that I can sell to help pay bills while photography sessions, rideshare, and mystery shopping jobs are almost non-existent. That gets really old too, due to the depression symptom: "things I used to find enjoyable no longer being fun."

It's a task... something to do to be productive... something to do to be proactive and keep from going crazy worrying about finances. However, almost nothing I've listed is selling. I'm sure others are worried about finances too so I didn't expect lots of sales. Out of listing lots of stuff, I've only sold one item.

It makes it harder and harder to list each new thing because in the back of mind I hear a voice telling me I'm wasting my time. There's also a voice that seems to get louder the longer I do this that says, "You might need this one day so you shouldn't get rid of it." The voices are unrelenting and wear me down over time.

Decisions, even small ones, are always difficult for me. My anxiety tells me I'm making the wrong choice so I research and research to at least up the odds in the favor of making the "right decision." When I'm in this state, it's so much worse. Culling photos, which is something I could do 24/7 for a week and still not get through all of them, is hard; editing photos, of which includes a multitude of decisions for each image, is darn near impossible. Making a decision on something important, like which ideas I should try to pitch to the newspaper I work for, makes my head hurt to think about.

Then there is my go-to when I'm anxious or bored or depressed... food. I'm trying to use the principles of my eating disorder 12-Step group and I'm working on not compulsively grabbing food when I'm in this state. But food calms me down. Depending on the food and the moment, it can be a physical rush with an instant peace that comes over me. I haven't been working that program long enough to know how to deal with times when I feel like this. I think it's very similar to someone addicted to drugs or alcohol - there's literally nothing that gives you the same feeling - so it's very hard to come up with alternatives.

Add having mental health issues... in my case, major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and various anxiety disorders to the mix... I wonder sometimes if there is anyone else with my combo of mental health issues and addictions who successfully recovered. If so, how?

I haven't given up... yet. I am still trying to do my food plan and trying to not act out. (By the way, I'm successful at one but miserably failing at the other - from what I said above you can probably guess which is which.) I need something to cope with this stressful time. I know food isn't the answer... but what is?


Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Anxiety... By a Stuck at Home Freelancer with Mental Health Issues

It has been a while. I have been sick, then super busy making up for being sick, then just super busy. This blog has been pushed aside more than once when I really wanted to write... because, in this time of such uncertainty, I felt that blogging wasn't being "productive" (with my definition of the moment meaning somehow do something to make money). Well, I hit the breaking point just a few minutes ago and it doesn't matter if it's "productive" or not, I need to write.

The timing has been weird on this one. I'm about to have cataract surgery and due to a test I need to have before the surgery, I had to go without contacts for a week. Given the nature of my businesses, wearing my old glasses has made it very difficult to do some of my jobs and impossible to do others.

I have known this for a few weeks and have been preparing for the loss of income and work. I was very proactive by making a list of things that I've been putting off for a long time that needed to be done. I knew this would keep me busy and not feeling so bad about the loss of income. I actually wasn't anxious during the beginning of the news about COVID-19, maybe because I was already mentally prepared for downtime.

Then COVID-19 hit my immediate area, one of the last states in the country to really be impacted. When I was just missing work due to wearing my glasses and recovery from the surgery, I could still make money a few other ways, just not as much. However, because I live with my parents who are very high risk, it's safer for me to stay home. COVID-19 killed that potential for "not as much" work that I was still hoping for during this time.

Add to that, I hit a down cycle in my bipolar disorder and have been extremely depressed. Several other things have happened personally and with some of those I love that have been hard to deal with. The support groups I rely on have had to cancel (though we were able to pull off a phone conference for one last night).

The biggest issues I'm dealing with right now that are so hard are the lack of control and uncertainty. I'll talk about each of those separately.

Control... Everyone loves to be in control. World Wars have been fought over control. Marriages have been lost over control. Businesses have fallen apart because of control.

But control is a defining characteristic of an addict. Trying to control others and the environment and failing is one thing that leads to addictive behavior. Not being able to control the addictive behavior leads to shame and a feeling of worthlessness.

So I'm an addict who has major depression and anxiety issues and is a freelancer who can't work for who knows how long. In this environment, there is so little I can control. I'm not doing well.

Uncertainty... I think we are all programmed to know that we can deal with just about anything for a specified amount of time. When I was still in college, I remember thinking that I could deal with any subject or any professor for just a quarter. If I know that I'm going to have a medical procedure or if I'm sick, I have an idea of how long it will be until I can get back "to normal."

Not knowing how long this will last, what will happen before it's over, and what will be the aftermath is a huge problem for me. I have lived through some horrible times in my 50+ years and there was always an end. So intellectually I know there will be an end to COVID-19. But the biggest issue is what my life will be like when it's over.

For several years now I have been building a photography business - specializing in event photography. I was just starting to build up some momentum in my business. Big events have obviously been canceled left and right. It's scary to not know if the businesses will still remember me when it's over.

Of course, I'm also worried about my parents. I'm worried that they will get sick... and I'm worried that if I leave my house it'll be my fault. Both my boyfriend and my daughter are high risk so there's a little worry about them getting sick.

Surprisingly, I'm not worried at all about me getting sick. For myself, I'm worried about being inconvenienced... specifically with my cataract surgery. Wearing glasses for this week has been truly horrible. If the test is canceled at the last minute, then all that misery will have been for nothing. If the surgery is put off, then it's that much longer before I can get back to work full-time after recovery.

I know I'm whining... I know that I'm one of the many dealing with all of these issues... I know that there are many others who have it worse off than I do... In this case, though, knowing I'm not alone in how I feel doesn't matter one bit to help me feel better.

The only thing that has made me feel better in this time has been to help others. Setting up the phone support group last night was one of the better times I've had the last week. Knowing I was doing something for others kept me out of my head for just a few minutes. It didn't lift the overwhelming depression I'm feeling but did keep me going for a little longer while I'm in the midst of it.

There is no better time to recite the Serenity Prayer... and really try to live it. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Choices... A Love Story

This blog is so serious and often very depressing. I tend to vent about all that is wrong in my life and sometimes forget that there's a lot good there too. So, though late because I've been very busy and somewhat sick, in honor of what Valentine's Day really means (not what Hallmark/the chocolate companies/the flower shops try to make it into), I present my personal love story...



They met online. Each had been involved in a long-term relationship that ended. They both realized, once distanced from these relationships, that they had been toxic. Each was an amazing person who had a lot to offer a partner but had been beaten down by the ones they chose.

Photography brought them together as it was highlighted on each of their dating site profiles. It also almost brought them apart after one asked the other… “Canon or Nikon?” and the answer was wrong. She was Nikon; he was Canon. It was so sad. They would never be able to share lenses or even speak the same language for settings.

This budding relationship was further hindered when a similar question was asked… “iPhone or Android?” Again, the answer was wrong. She was Android; he was iPhone. They also would never be able to Facetime or share all the same apps – and he was able to hear Siri’s angelic voice when he needed information where she had to almost yell, “Hey, Google!” to get the same response.

Thankfully, the last major question… “PC or Mac?” was answered the same by both parties. They were both PC! Though this wasn’t as big an issue as camera brands and cell phone platforms, it seemed there was hope after all. This led to their first face-to-face date which included barbeque and kissing by a lake in the moonlight. Neither wanted it to end.

By this point, they had learned enough about each other to want to try to overcome those two earlier almost insurmountable barriers. Maybe it was because each had known what it was to love someone who took advantage of that love. Maybe it was because they did have a lot in common after all, despite their oppositional preferences of cameras and phones. Maybe it was because there is such a thing as “soul-mates” and this powerful connection was felt by both.

Whatever the reason, they quickly became great friends. They found a spot by a river that was almost exactly equidistant between their homes where they would meet and hang out. Free time in between date nights was spent talking and texting each other. It quickly became routine to stay on the phone each evening until she, an early riser, was almost asleep.

Need it be stated in writing? It seemed that they were falling in love.

There was one other major barrier, though… She was also dating someone else. He worked in Information Technology. Actually, Mr. I.T. was the one who encouraged her to date others as his wife had passed away and he realized he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. She hadn’t dated him long, but she thought she might love him.

Because she had never been the kind of person to date more than one person at a time and she couldn’t keep such an important secret to herself, she soon let each know about the other. Mr. I.T. was a little blue, as he kind of hoped that she wouldn’t find someone else and would be there for him when he was ready. Mr. Photographer was caught off guard but wasn’t upset because they had never discussed being exclusive.

For a couple of months, she pondered incessantly about what to do. Each one had characteristics that she loved. However, she knew she couldn’t go on indefinitely dating both as it was tearing her up inside.

Finally, she made the difficult decision.

She first went to talk to her soon-to-be former love interest, Mr. I.T. He was sad but wasn’t surprised. He knew her well enough to notice that she had been rapidly falling for the other. They both cried as they said their goodbyes and promised to stay friends.

Then she called the other. He had a difficult time comprehending her through all her tear-filled hiccups. All he could understand through the blubbering was that she wanted him to meet at “their spot.” Though it was late on a weeknight, he immediately said he would head that way. She did the same.

When he got there, he invited her into his car, wondering and worried about the outcome of this conversation. He then just held her, trying to calm her down so she could tell him what had brought on the waterworks.

She was finally calm enough to say three little words. No, they aren’t the words one might expect to be said in this situation, but it meant even more than the standard three little words...

She said, “I choose you."

She is still choosing him to this day.