Do Churches Practice What They Preach?

Many Southern church websites say "Come as you are." 

Yet, when you get there, you see the pastor in a suit (though nowadays usually not with a tie). Those on stage and in the congregation are in business casual attire.

Some are a little more lax. In them, men often wear jeans and not many women wear dresses. Instead, the common attire for women is a dressy outfit - slacks and a really nice shirt.

In my experience, it's rare in most traditional churches, at least in my area of the country, to see women in jeans on Sunday mornings - and I have yet to see a female on stage dressed that casually.

This has been a big deal to me since I was a teenager. I had a friend whose parents didn't attend church. My friend started coming with one of our mutual friends.

She wasn't so poor to the extent she didn't have food or housing, but her clothing options were limited, especially concerning dresses. In fact, she owned only two dresses.

This was almost 40 years ago. Then it was rare to see a woman in slacks at church, much less jeans. 

My friend was embarrassed about not having socially acceptable clothing options for Sunday mornings, so she would attend no more than twice a month. She felt she had to space out wearing her two dresses so others wouldn't notice that she only had two.

I decided then to never go to church in anything but jeans. 

As I entered into early adulthood, I went to a different church, one that was a lot more casual. This was one of the few churches at the time where some women wore jeans. 

The standards changed each Easter. Everyone dressed up on Easter, usually wearing brand-new dresses or suits. 

...except for me. 

I still chose to wear jeans. In my first year attending that church, one of my friends asked if they were at least new. I had to laugh because they were. However, I didn't wear them because they were new; it was a coincidence.

This position was probably a major factor that kept me from serving on the worship team at another church. After I joined that church, I emailed the worship pastor and asked several questions about their music ministry. 

I had noticed that no matter what the congregation wore in this some-men-wear-jeans-but-no-women-do church, those on stage dressed up.

So, my main question concerned whether I could wear jeans if part of the worship team or the choir (where men wore jeans, but women didn't).

He responded quickly and thoroughly to my other questions but didn't address the question about jeans, totally silent about the issue.

I didn't become part of the worship team.

There are several popular arguments about this issue. Even though I don't agree, I can still understand why dressing up is still popular. As the world becomes more casual, some enjoy dressing up and church is one of the few places it's still accepted.

Plus, I assume they can afford it.

But what about those like my childhood friend? How can a church advertise that you can "come as you are" but then look down on those who do? 

Even if they aren't judging, it's nerve-wracking to look different in a new place, especially if it's not by choice but by economics.

When I was young and started on this quest, I often heard the argument: "Don't we want to wear our best when we go into God's house?"

I have sooooo much to say about that, but I'll try to keep it brief.

#1 - God's house isn't a building. It's a person who has accepted Christ.

#2 - Why would God, of Whom scripture says that He doesn't look at the outward parts of man, care what we wear?

#3 - What if "our best" is nice jeans and a T-shirt? What if "our best" is torn jeans (from age, not fashion) and a scraggly shirt?

In summary, I feel strongly that continuing to emphasize what a person wears and how they look at church simply perpetuates the idea that the physical and material aspects of someone are more important than the spiritual - who a person really is.

This thought is the basis of most stigmas... and the church is one place where it should be different.

When Fears are Realized... At Least for Now

One of the main fears I have (excluding all of my phobias and the common fears like having a child die or becoming paralyzed, etc) is not having health insurance - or having it be so expensive that I can't afford the copays.

My husband of almost ten months had said he would never get married before we met - and even the first four years of our relationship. Like me, this wasn't his only fear, but it kept us from taking that next step for a long time. 

He was afraid he wouldn't be able to provide for me.

Well, it ended up that he got fired from the job he had most of our relationship. He had been at that job for a while but a combination of developing an auto-immune disease that would flare up occasionally, a change of management, and having to work from home due to COVID, his performance went downhill.

Then add nervousness about the possibility of being fired and he was a wreck - and continued to do worse.

Even though he had been there 10?, 11? years before this happened, when he finally got the news, he blamed himself. He had been successful all that time but he chalked it up to not trying hard enough.

But this ended up being a good thing. Kind of like my job loss (explained in another post: https://www.spotlightonstigma.com/2023/02/no-longer-afraid.html), he found another job that paid much, much better.

Though it's not the only reason he decided to ask me to marry him, I know that factored in.

As with many couples (or anytime there is more than one person giving an opinion), each of us has a unique perspective on everything. It's easy to assume the other person has the same thoughts and beliefs that you do.

Remember how I mentioned health insurance being one of my biggest fears? Even though I knew I'd marry him no matter what, his health insurance benefits concerned me.

He kept telling me that he had great insurance and though he never verbalized it, that I shouldn't worry about it.

However, when I finally did get the details about the plan, I came close to freaking out. 

Yes, it was a really good policy. Every doctor we wanted to see was covered, the vast majority of prescriptions were covered... all with a pretty low co-pay. 

AFTER we each met the $4000 deductible, that was.

Maybe you are thinking, "That's normal for insurance plans nowadays," but you need to realize that I'm self-employed - and poor. Keep your politics in check with this... I got a really nice plan from Marketplace. Not only did it have a low co-pay and many of my doctors and prescriptions were covered, the deductible was markedly lower than $4000.

Still, I was pretty sure that I would have to have rotator cuff surgery on my other shoulder this fall and that would wipe out the deductible mostly by itself, once you factor in the PT I would need.

So, I went to doctors, therapists, and got tests done like I had before, knowing that it would work out to be not that bad over the course of the year and all I would have done.

Here's the irony: 

First, let me tell you something that I joked about when I was trying to calm myself down about the $4000 deductible... I actually remember thinking, "What if we lose the insurance as soon as we met that deductible?"

Back to the irony.

We did.

He got fired again, literally a week after meeting the deductible. 

In hindsight, he shouldn't have taken a job that was so similar to the one he had been burned out over, even though it did give him a significantly larger income. I could go into my theories on why this really smart man wasn't hacking it at this job, but I won't.

I do know that the new job was killing him, stressing him out incredibly. It wasn't worth it.

In some ways, I'm really glad he got fired because it frees him up to find something that won't be so hard on him. I've had some jobs that I loved and some that I hated, but he and I are alike in that we will almost never leave a job voluntarily, even if it's killing us.

Every...

single...

time...

it's worked out to be much better (not perfect, but better.)

But back to the title of this post - fears being realized. 

On getting the news, his biggest fear - that he can't provide for me - has been realized. (Side note - when I'm strong I remind him that the job didn't provide for us, God does.)

And mine - not having health insurance that I can afford to use - has also been realized. (Side note - we do qualify for Marketplace but between the two of us, though still poor, we aren't as poor as I was alone and the plan has a pretty high deductible for only five months left in the year.)

In the big picture, though, I know that we'll be okay. Each of us has been through worse - and God has been there the whole time.

This time of both of us having to face our fears may seem like a coincidence... but God has it all under control.

...or at least I know He does when I'm strong.

Disappointing Others Due to My Invisible Illnesses... "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

I'm a people pleaser. It's something I've worked for years to overcome... to no avail. I worry way too much about what people think - even from people who I know love me "no matter what."

This can be a huge issue with my work. I can be so paralyzed with concern about the product - photos or writing - that I'm producing for a client, that sometimes I will edit and edit and edit before I'm done. Or I overthink what I need to do so much that I can't even get started.

This is something that I think pretty much everyone deals with to some extent at some point in life.

When you add an invisible illness to the mix, it makes it much worse.

For example, lately, I've been going back and forth a lot between physical and mental junk (at times both at once). I feel horrible when I have to miss or cancel an event because I know it could disappoint or inconvenience someone else.

The thing is, I am able to attend some of the time. Out of those times I actually make it to an event, sometimes I get there and feel okay. 

Except for the times I don't...

Many of those who have invisible illnesses are great actors. They are wonderful covering up the pain physically or emotionally that they are feeling. They are able to attend work, school, and social events like they weren't in pain.

I'm not. I've even joked that I could never play poker because I can't hide what I'm feeling. I have a very difficult time covering up when I'm in pain or severely depressed or manic. 

Ironically, this trait, though it may be more authentic than acting like everything's okay, causes a lot of problems socially.

It's one of those "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" situations.

The background: 

Let's say I'm having a fibromyalgia flare-up. I feel bloated and ache all over. It's hard to walk and any joint or muscle pain that I was already living before the episode is increased. 

Or I'm extremely depressed and have a difficult time getting out of bed. The slightest thing going wrong makes me burst into tears. I often describe it as feeling like I'm swimming in molasses.

The scenario: 

I've been invited to a party with friends I don't get to see very often. I've been looking forward to going for weeks. But then one of the above background issues (or many others I deal with) invades my life.

The disclaimer: 

Remember that I can't go into a social situation and pretend that I'm not hurting. So I'm always caught in a dilemma: Do I stay or do I go? (as said in the popular song by The Clash)

The decision: 

If I stay home, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be there, that I'm a disappointment because the expectation was that I would attend and I didn't - and being reliable was one of my strengths before all this stuff came into my life.

But then sometimes my FOMO (fear of missing out) kicks in and I decide to go.

If I push through and attend, I feel that I'm a disappointment for bringing the fun atmosphere of the party down. I have actually hidden in another room at parties because once I got there, I couldn't deal with the feeling that those near me can't have a good time - because of me.

The aftermath:

No matter which decision I make, I always feel like I should apologize to everyone for being such a disappointment.

My best friends and some of my family understand. I am learning that it helps to explain these kinds of things at the beginning of any relationship. (Note that I only tell those I feel safe with - not my brand new boss or the casual acquaintance who I know makes fun of others behind their backs.)

I don't feel quite as much of a disappointment if I told them what's really going on when I don't show up.

However, there is always someone who doesn't understand - either because I don't know them well enough to tell them or because they didn't believe it, which brings me back to being a people pleaser.

If I wasn't such a people pleaser, I wouldn't care what those who don't know or don't believe... I would simply go on with the knowledge that I'm doing my personal best given my current circumstances.

Therapy and a lot of work in this area have helped, but I feel that this is something I'll struggle with my entire life. 

Only when there are enough of us with invisible illnesses - those who are vulnerable enough to reveal what is actually happening when we check out emotionally or physically - will the world start to be a place where we feel supported, no matter whether we decide to stay or to go.

Reaction to an "I Heart Intelligence" Facebook Post about Choices

I rarely scroll through Facebook posts. I have too many things I can get caught up in... I don't need one that also makes me feel bad because it can portray everyone else as having it all together when my life is most definitely not.

However, today I needed to update some selling I'm doing on Marketplace and I ended up scrolling and reading the top few posts.

I came across this post from "I Heart Intelligence."

 

I have loved "I Heart Intelligence" and their posts for years now. I'd never seen one I disagreed with...

... Until today.

This was my comment on the post:

As someone with several mental and physical chronic illnesses, everything is NOT a choice... 

1 - My husband left me. I tried for a year to get him to counseling and tried everything I could to keep our marriage together. He left anyway. 

2 - I'm obese. However, due to many circumstances out of my control, "getting fit" isn't a choice. I can work out, eat less, and do everything "right" but the weight won't come off. And, no, gastric bypass isn't an option for me. 

3 - I lost my job due to politics and found myself quickly in tremendous debt as I waited to see if I would get it back. I had been "financially disciplined" for years as a single mom with little to no child support with only a teacher's salary and had no debt except for my house and car until that time. Losing my job was not a choice. 

Several years later, a financial advisor told me that it would be best to declare bankruptcy. Though I had always worked hard to pay my debts, after thinking and praying about it, I took his advice. It turned out that what most would call being financially irresponsible was one of the best decisions I've made.

4 - Even what most would take for granted isn't always a choice for me: communication. I have bipolar, type 2. When I'm manic, I can't stop talking. I've tried. I've fought it by literally clenching my jaw. But I still ramble. When I'm severely depressed or in the middle of a panic attack from anxiety, there are times I can't talk at all. I've had to text my boyfriend (now husband) when he was sitting next to me because I couldn't get words out. 

So, no, I can't pick my hard. I can choose to go to therapy, take meds, work out when possible, get my finances back in order as I have the means, work really hard to communicate when I'm not in the middle of the worst of my mental health issues, and continue to try to figure out ways to have the best attitude possible when I don't have choices. 

Personally, I feel like most people can't pick their hard. Sometimes life deals a bad hand - or many bad hands - and the only real choice it comes down to is continuing to fight or giving up completely.

This kind of post simply perpetuates the stigma of these and many other similar places we can find ourselves in. What happens to us isn't always a choice.

So, once again, I personally advise going to the Serenity Prayer...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

And please, please, please do make the choice to keep fighting.

Highs and Lows... and Expectations, Part 3 - It Is What It Is

Sometimes life throws a curve ball... and you're rooting for the infield team.

Tonight is one of those times. 

There are so many highs and lows in life. Even in the highs, there are lows. Even in the lows, there are highs.

My first post in this series was about a pretty high day - the day we were media as well as VIPs at an Indycar race. However, even though that day was one of my top lately, there were a lot of lows included.

It was hot. I wasn't having a good day physically. There were times I felt stuck at the media center, far away from all of the action. It was an incredibly long day. Etc... Etc... Etc...

My last post was about what I thought would be a really low day - or a few days. But I'll save the details for that post.

However, a totally unexpected high was sent my way - and I wanted to note it in here.

Yesterday, on the way home from another Indycar race (the "low" I wrote about), my husband/photography partner and I were talking about how exhausting the weekend had been. 

Originally, we had planned to make the 10+ hour-long drive home starting tomorrow morning. We talked about possibilities of activities we could do during the day today and nothing sounded better than simply being home. 

Then, I happened to check my email and saw something that literally made my jaw drop. I had to look at it several times to believe it. 

It was an email that said Travis and I had been approved for press credentials for a Cleveland Guardians (formerly Cleveland Indians) game!

Baseball is Travis' love language (with Indycar a close second). His favorite team, by far, is the team from the state where he was born.

From the time he picked up photography, one of his absolute biggest dreams was to shoot a game at their home field.

In the meantime, he moved to Florida, then to Alabama. Visiting his native state happened less and less often and he rarely got to go to see a game live, much less getting to shoot it.

Well, when I started researching how to get credentials for an MLB game, all I found at first is that it's almost impossible to do. I would research for a few hours - then give up. Then I would decide to try again later - and eventually give up. This happened off and on for a couple of months.

Then my work paid off - and I was entered into the MLB credentialing system! That was amazing enough... and though I almost immediately requested credentials for the game that corresponded to when we would already be in Ohio, I really thought it would end there.

I kept up a tiny bit of hope until two days ago. By that point, I assumed that it was too late and that we hadn't gotten in. I even took the game off my calendar and archived my research notes.

So it was a total shock when I saw the email that we were in. My cheeks literally hurt from smiling and Travis was physically stunned. 

This was a definite high. 

However, I never take anything at face value. I just about always assume the worst. And the worst was yet to come. 

The approval email mentioned an email for questions if needed. So I did.

And then...

Then...

I got a reply that called into question whether or not we would actually get in - at least the way I read it the first time.

I know it seems dramatic, but I almost panicked. This was such a big dream of Travis' and I was nervous that the disappointment would really affect him.

I replied with a carefully worded response - and held my breath while I waited for a reply. 

It was one of those good-news/bad-news replies. 

Yes, we were still in. In fact, we had press box access (which is what I like the best).

However, all of the areas for field-level photography were filled. Travis wouldn't get to shoot the game after all. 

We were told that we could shoot at the concourse level, which is about 25 rows back and maybe 10-15 ft high from the field. That's still a lot more than fans get to do since we can bring our professional cameras there, but it's not what Travis had hoped for.

So... now we're here at Progressive Field, looking out of the press box (4th floor - an amazing view), waiting for the fans to be let in and for the game to start.

Is this all we wanted out of this night? Nope. Are we still very glad we're here? H*ll, yeah. 

We get to see things that very few of even the most devoted fans get to see. We get to watch a game live without having to pay for tickets (though the parking expense almost made up for it). We get to say that we did it... got credentialed for an MLB game.

Sometimes it's all about perspective. 

Highs and Lows... and Expectations, Part 2 - The Lows

So... My husband and photography partner, Travis, and I had a blast at the 2023 Indycar race at Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham, AL (as I shared in https://www.blogger.com/u/1/blog/post/edit/729122040431351468/8161189219424744427).

We just knew that the upcoming Indycar race that we were going to get to shoot would be a million times better.

You see, my husband is a huge Indycar fan. He fell in love with racing at the track closest to his childhood home in Ohio. 

After picking up photography, it was a big dream of his to shoot an Indycar race - and an even bigger dream to do so as a credentialed media photographer at his home course. 

This summer it happened. We got the opportunity to shoot for the same driver as we did earlier in the season. We were not only going to get to be credentialed media, get VIP passes so we could hang out with him and his team, AND do it at my husband's home track.

We planned to leave for Ohio on a Thursday. That week was completely insane.

- I had been looking for a new car-to-me car for about a month - and I found a couple of great prospects the weekend before. Because there were two that were really great deals, I didn't want to wait until I got back in town to buy, so car testing and car buying had to be included in the schedule.

- I've had back problems lately, pretty extensive ones, and they had flared up incredibly over the prior week. 

- I had several work assignments come up at the last minute - and I was um, slightly overwhelmed (think in sarcasm mode here) to make sure everything was done before leaving.

- I finally had gotten around to consolidating our family's phone plans - and there were issues I had to take care of.

- To drive the new car, I had to switch everything over from my car to the new one (and I have a lot of stuff in my car that needed to be sorted through in order to find new homes for it all).

- My husband had a flare-up of his Still's Disease as well as having a really rough time at work the couple of days before we needed to leave.

- Etc. Etc. Etc.

By Wednesday afternoon, my anxiety was through the roof. At that point, I was actually trying to decide if it was worth it for me to go.

If you've read through my blog much at all, you know that I have pretty major anxiety issues. The unknown is hard on almost anyone... but it can paralyze me. 

There were an incredible amount of unknowns with this trip. I won't get into them all, but some were very anxiety-producing. Add to that, I couldn't find out the info I needed to know to reduce the fear.

In addition, the weather was supposed to be horrible. Because this shoot was more for my husband than for me, I knew I wouldn't shoot if the weather was bad - in this case, it simply wasn't worth it.

I didn't want to attend the Mid-Ohio race and sit in the photographer's room the whole weekend.

However, I finally did decide to go. I made a list of pros and cons and saw that even though there were a great number of cons, an adventure with my husband overrode them all. Even if it was a horrible trip, he was more important.

Though many of my worst fears didn't happen, it wasn't an easy trip by any means. We're glad we went but it was a big disappointment compared to what we had thought it would be.

That is... until we got an unexpected email right after we decided to cut the trip short. (See part 3 for the conclusion).