Faith and Fear

I'm a very analytical person. I analyze problems to figure out the best solution; I analyze good things to see if they can be made better; I analyze myself to try to understand why I do what I do.

The subject of this post relates to the last example. 

I'm 55 years old. I've been through a lot in my life - some very, very good experiences and some very, very, very bad ones with the mundane sprinkled in for kicks and giggles.

I feel like I've analyzed (really - overanalyzed) every single one of them either at the time or years later.

I have realized about myself that when a big problem comes at me, I immediately go into figure-it-out mode. I begin mobilizing. I start working on a plan.  I try to decide my next step. 

At that point, I'm usually not afraid.

It's later - after I've been mobilizing and planning and deciding for hours or even days when the exhaustion hits me and the fear comes at me.

And boy, does it come - with a vengeance.

There will be moments of peace in the middle of this fear. At those times I feel proud of myself and how I've managed to keep calm in the midst of a storm.

But this serenity never lasts long.

To my credit, I assume age and experience have given me a little more resiliency. I've seen God work in my life enough times to occasionally be able to draw from that history and apply it to what I'm dealing with at the moment. 

I'm finally learning that God is the One who gives me peace; I'm not the one who makes it happen.

But the fear never completely stays away. Even while knowing the aforementioned truths, it still always comes back - with a vengeance.

During my teenage years, I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) as well as panic disorder. I went through a period of about a year when I was agoraphobic and only left my house for work (a necessity) and church (because it was the one place outside of home where I felt safe). 

So, I'm used to the fear. I'm used to the nerves, the stress, the pressure. 

It doesn't make it any easier to cope whenever it does return - with a vengeance.

For instance, today I received some medical bills that I thought had been taken care of. At the moment, my husband is out of work and I'm trying to make up the slack - but  haven't been able to because of being sick myself while also taking care of a lot of family issues. 

I'm scared - and to add to that, I'm ashamed I'm scared. 

After all, I've seen God do so much in my life with my finances. 

I've been given extra hours at work right before I received a big unknown expense. I've gotten checks from random places, like a refund of an overpayment or the rare child support check, when I didn't have enough for that month's bills. I've been given money without asking around the time my bank balance was incredibly low.

And sometimes these amounts were almost exactly what I needed.

Though I've never been well-off (lower-middle was the highest class I've ever been and at times even that was a far-flung dream), I've always had enough - somehow.

So then why, when I see a few bills, does my heart jump into my throat and I start feeling sick to my stomach? (I guess the stomach issues could be due to physical illnesses I deal with - but I digress.)

I want so much to have faith. I can't even say that I've never seen God work in this way. He has, many times - in my own life.

But...

I...

Don't...

Eventually that fear always comes at me - with a vengeance.

Maybe it's simply a human thing. 

I'm not accusing them of lying, but maybe those who brag about always having great faith, those who constantly say "everything will turn out fine," have simply forgotten the times they too were scared, the times when opening the mail was terrifying, the times they avoided looking at a bank statement or credit card bill as long as possible.

In other words, even though it seems everyone else has this anxiety under control, maybe I'm not the only one who deals with it. 

The fear comes at them too - with a vengeance. 

Most likely everyone struggles with fear - but God is God for anyone who relies on Him.

I'm not alone.

In the meantime, I guess I need to get off this computer and into my analytical mode and figure out how to pay these bills. After all, He doesn't actually write the checks.

(And, oh yeah... I guess it would be a good idea to remind myself who God is and what He has already done while I turn all this over to Him and ask Him to provide as I'm doing so.)

What I Wish I Had Done When I Was First Diagnosed

Receiving a diagnosis of a chronic and/or mental illness is life-altering. It's tough to think about the future, especially if you have had undiagnosed symptoms for a while and have put all your energy into simply surviving each day.

This is true whether the diagnosis is for you or someone you love (as long as that individual is someone who relies on you for even a small part of their care).

As someone who is a partial caregiver for my parents, husband, adult daughter... and myself, there are several things I wish I had made myself do from the time any one of us was first diagnosed.

Sometime in the last decade, I realized what I should have been doing all along - and I started.

Then during COVID, when we were all stuck at home, I continued.

Intrigued?

What I realized was that if I had simply kept up with my medical records on an ongoing basis throughout the years, it would have made it a lot easier now.

I do recognize how hard that is... but trust me, it's very, very worth it.

Currently, I have a document on Google Docs (so that I can access it during an appointment) that lists a lot of the things that are asked when I start seeing a new doctor. I also have one for each of my parents which I print out for them to keep in their wallets.

You might wonder why this is necessary. You might love the doctor you have and simply can't imagine ever going to someone else.

But it will happen - insurance changes, moving, the doctor retiring, a change in the office, and a myriad of other planned and unplanned events that can and most likely will lead to changing or adding doctors at some point.

Of course, this document would look differently for everyone, but this is what I have on mine:

- My legal name and date of birth

- Date of last update

- Social security number, if you feel comfortable doing so

- Health insurance... the company, ID#, and Group #. I also put my vision insurance info and dental insurance info here.

- Primary doctor... name, name of the practice, phone and fax numbers, and the practice's address

- Pharmacy... name, phone number, and address

- Specialists... names of all of my specialists, along with the names of their practices, their specialities and the offices' phone numbers

- Prescription medicines... brand names and generic names, the dosage and frequency, who prescribed it, and why it was prescribed

- Over-the-counter vitamins and supplements (I don't worry about dosage, though there are times it would be nice to have)

- "Not current" list of prescriptions; this is just a time-saver because I've noticed that I might be taken off a med only to try it again later.

- "Things I need to remember"... dates of annual or repetitive tests I need to have done like vaccinations, mammograms, etc

- Surgical procedures... name of the surgery and when, where, and who did it, with the doctor's phone number

The next lists are overkill for most people, but if you have multiple diagnoses, I've found it's much easier to have these written out for those initial appointments and annual updates. 

- Short list of diagnoses

- Short list of major illnesses, like pneumonia and scarlet fever

- Detailed timeline of major illnesses and diagnoses... the name of the diagnosis, year (or date if known) it happened, and a sentence or two about it like what meds were tried or treatments tried

- Summary of family history... each family member, including extended family, with names of their major diagnoses

- Full family history (as much as I can find out)... includes birth and date dates (if applicable) and more details about their health

- Symptoms I deal with... it's pretty obvious, but it's literally a list of all that I deal with

This last part is what I really, really wish I had kept up better. It took going through all kinds of records, including old insurance records, calendars, etc to get as much as I have, but I know it's still not complete. And no, it wasn't just because I'm a perfectionist, I had an incredibly long intake form for one program that asked.

- Medicine history... medicine, dosage (if known), date or approximate date started and stopped, in a timeline by year

- Past doctors... name, name of practice, phone number and dates I used that doctor

- Miscellaneous... I have a copy of the letter I used the last time I needed to find a counselor (again I was asked to do it so I saved it in case I was asked again)

Again, it's really difficult to keep updated when you are dealing with just trying to make it through each day, but from experience, it pays off in the long run.