Following is a question I asked my pastor, but first, some background.
Our church is like many now that has "merch" - coffee cups, baseball caps, t-shirts, etc. These items have the church's name on them along with an associated event or saying. In this instance, they came out with a design of a shirt that was very special to me, one I really wanted.
However, I was almost positive that they didn't have a size big enough for me. I try not to let it bother me but I do feel left out when I see so many others wear the merch to church events. Oh - I don't wear baseball caps so that's not an option, even though I know it would fit.
So, this is where the email to my pastor came in...
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What's the largest size of the t-shirts you are giving out next week? My guess is 3x - because that's usually the standard biggest one out there (if you even got any that big).
But something I would appreciate you thinking about...
I gave up years ago ever getting a t-shirt at a church event, a concert, or with a club because there wasn't ever a shirt my size. I thought it wasn't possible.
I battle feeling left out, even with a group where I KNOW I'm not. Not being able to look like those around me because I can't afford clothes my size doesn't help this. I wear whatever I can find, which doesn't fit right even on the best day - and since I've lost weight, they fit even worse. I used to just accept that fact but I'll admit, it's really difficult when other women wear such cute clothes and I can't - and church is the worst place I deal with it. Not because anyone looks down on me for it (I hope), but because I look down at me for it.
Every... single... time... I see one of these shirts on someone at church, I feel just a little left out. Every single time a new shirt comes out, there's a tiny hope that there will be one my size - or that I've lost enough weight to have one fit. And every single time, I'm disappointed all over again.
When it happened at the marriage retreat, I mentioned it to one of the leaders. Usually I try not to worry about it - after all, I could just put the one given to me (that was too small) aside like I have so many others. But because they wanted everyone to wear their shirts for the group photo, I had a rough morning. I so wanted to be part of the photo without standing out like a sore thumb that this was one of the very, very few times I tried it on, just hoping against hope that it would fit -
It didn't.
Yes, I should have been able to let it go. Yes, I shouldn't have let it get to me... but it did, pretty badly actually. It sounds crazy if you weren't in my head, but that stress, combined with my camera messing up and thinking I had lost all the shots from the retreat plus the paid shoot I left the retreat to do that Saturday morning, left me somewhat suicidal. Yes, that's extreme, and the shirt was a small part of the problem (how it seems like everything keeps going wrong was the main reason) - but the shirt led to me feeling not a part and that made it take that much more effort to ask for help.
Back to when I talked to the leader... when I told her all this, she apologized and said that she could have gotten a bigger size, but didn't even think about it. Does this mean it's possible to get even bigger sizes when you guys order shirts? Does it cost a lot more? Is it possible, at least once in a while, to get one for me?
When I started writing this, it was going to be just a simple question. I didn't plan to go into all that. I didn't think it would be a big deal. However, I'm ugly crying right now, so much that it's hard to breathe. It's apparently deeper in my heart than I thought.
Anyway, like I said, something to think about...
