Disappointing Others Due to My Invisible Illnesses... "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

I'm a people pleaser. It's something I've worked for years to overcome... to no avail. I worry way too much about what people think - even from people who I know love me "no matter what."

This can be a huge issue with my work. I can be so paralyzed with concern about the product - photos or writing - that I'm producing for a client, that sometimes I will edit and edit and edit before I'm done. Or I overthink what I need to do so much that I can't even get started.

This is something that I think pretty much everyone deals with to some extent at some point in life.

When you add an invisible illness to the mix, it makes it much worse.

For example, lately, I've been going back and forth a lot between physical and mental junk (at times both at once). I feel horrible when I have to miss or cancel an event because I know it could disappoint or inconvenience someone else.

The thing is, I am able to attend some of the time. Out of those times I actually make it to an event, sometimes I get there and feel okay. 

Except for the times I don't...

Many of those who have invisible illnesses are great actors. They are wonderful covering up the pain physically or emotionally that they are feeling. They are able to attend work, school, and social events like they weren't in pain.

I'm not. I've even joked that I could never play poker because I can't hide what I'm feeling. I have a very difficult time covering up when I'm in pain or severely depressed or manic. 

Ironically, this trait, though it may be more authentic than acting like everything's okay, causes a lot of problems socially.

It's one of those "I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't" situations.

The background: 

Let's say I'm having a fibromyalgia flare-up. I feel bloated and ache all over. It's hard to walk and any joint or muscle pain that I was already living before the episode is increased. 

Or I'm extremely depressed and have a difficult time getting out of bed. The slightest thing going wrong makes me burst into tears. I often describe it as feeling like I'm swimming in molasses.

The scenario: 

I've been invited to a party with friends I don't get to see very often. I've been looking forward to going for weeks. But then one of the above background issues (or many others I deal with) invades my life.

The disclaimer: 

Remember that I can't go into a social situation and pretend that I'm not hurting. So I'm always caught in a dilemma: Do I stay or do I go? (as said in the popular song by The Clash)

The decision: 

If I stay home, I feel guilty. I feel like I should be there, that I'm a disappointment because the expectation was that I would attend and I didn't - and being reliable was one of my strengths before all this stuff came into my life.

But then sometimes my FOMO (fear of missing out) kicks in and I decide to go.

If I push through and attend, I feel that I'm a disappointment for bringing the fun atmosphere of the party down. I have actually hidden in another room at parties because once I got there, I couldn't deal with the feeling that those near me can't have a good time - because of me.

The aftermath:

No matter which decision I make, I always feel like I should apologize to everyone for being such a disappointment.

My best friends and some of my family understand. I am learning that it helps to explain these kinds of things at the beginning of any relationship. (Note that I only tell those I feel safe with - not my brand new boss or the casual acquaintance who I know makes fun of others behind their backs.)

I don't feel quite as much of a disappointment if I told them what's really going on when I don't show up.

However, there is always someone who doesn't understand - either because I don't know them well enough to tell them or because they didn't believe it, which brings me back to being a people pleaser.

If I wasn't such a people pleaser, I wouldn't care what those who don't know or don't believe... I would simply go on with the knowledge that I'm doing my personal best given my current circumstances.

Therapy and a lot of work in this area have helped, but I feel that this is something I'll struggle with my entire life. 

Only when there are enough of us with invisible illnesses - those who are vulnerable enough to reveal what is actually happening when we check out emotionally or physically - will the world start to be a place where we feel supported, no matter whether we decide to stay or to go.

Reaction to an "I Heart Intelligence" Facebook Post about Choices

I rarely scroll through Facebook posts. I have too many things I can get caught up in... I don't need one that also makes me feel bad because it can portray everyone else as having it all together when my life is most definitely not.

However, today I needed to update some selling I'm doing on Marketplace and I ended up scrolling and reading the top few posts.

I came across this post from "I Heart Intelligence."

 

I have loved "I Heart Intelligence" and their posts for years now. I'd never seen one I disagreed with...

... Until today.

This was my comment on the post:

As someone with several mental and physical chronic illnesses, everything is NOT a choice... 

1 - My husband left me. I tried for a year to get him to counseling and tried everything I could to keep our marriage together. He left anyway. 

2 - I'm obese. However, due to many circumstances out of my control, "getting fit" isn't a choice. I can work out, eat less, and do everything "right" but the weight won't come off. And, no, gastric bypass isn't an option for me. 

3 - I lost my job due to politics and found myself quickly in tremendous debt as I waited to see if I would get it back. I had been "financially disciplined" for years as a single mom with little to no child support with only a teacher's salary and had no debt except for my house and car until that time. Losing my job was not a choice. 

Several years later, a financial advisor told me that it would be best to declare bankruptcy. Though I had always worked hard to pay my debts, after thinking and praying about it, I took his advice. It turned out that what most would call being financially irresponsible was one of the best decisions I've made.

4 - Even what most would take for granted isn't always a choice for me: communication. I have bipolar, type 2. When I'm manic, I can't stop talking. I've tried. I've fought it by literally clenching my jaw. But I still ramble. When I'm severely depressed or in the middle of a panic attack from anxiety, there are times I can't talk at all. I've had to text my boyfriend (now husband) when he was sitting next to me because I couldn't get words out. 

So, no, I can't pick my hard. I can choose to go to therapy, take meds, work out when possible, get my finances back in order as I have the means, work really hard to communicate when I'm not in the middle of the worst of my mental health issues, and continue to try to figure out ways to have the best attitude possible when I don't have choices. 

Personally, I feel like most people can't pick their hard. Sometimes life deals a bad hand - or many bad hands - and the only real choice it comes down to is continuing to fight or giving up completely.

This kind of post simply perpetuates the stigma of these and many other similar places we can find ourselves in. What happens to us isn't always a choice.

So, once again, I personally advise going to the Serenity Prayer...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

And please, please, please do make the choice to keep fighting.

Highs and Lows... and Expectations, Part 3 - It Is What It Is

Sometimes life throws a curve ball... and you're rooting for the infield team.

Tonight is one of those times. 

There are so many highs and lows in life. Even in the highs, there are lows. Even in the lows, there are highs.

My first post in this series was about a pretty high day - the day we were media as well as VIPs at an Indycar race. However, even though that day was one of my top lately, there were a lot of lows included.

It was hot. I wasn't having a good day physically. There were times I felt stuck at the media center, far away from all of the action. It was an incredibly long day. Etc... Etc... Etc...

My last post was about what I thought would be a really low day - or a few days. But I'll save the details for that post.

However, a totally unexpected high was sent my way - and I wanted to note it in here.

Yesterday, on the way home from another Indycar race (the "low" I wrote about), my husband/photography partner and I were talking about how exhausting the weekend had been. 

Originally, we had planned to make the 10+ hour-long drive home starting tomorrow morning. We talked about possibilities of activities we could do during the day today and nothing sounded better than simply being home. 

Then, I happened to check my email and saw something that literally made my jaw drop. I had to look at it several times to believe it. 

It was an email that said Travis and I had been approved for press credentials for a Cleveland Guardians (formerly Cleveland Indians) game!

Baseball is Travis' love language (with Indycar a close second). His favorite team, by far, is the team from the state where he was born.

From the time he picked up photography, one of his absolute biggest dreams was to shoot a game at their home field.

In the meantime, he moved to Florida, then to Alabama. Visiting his native state happened less and less often and he rarely got to go to see a game live, much less getting to shoot it.

Well, when I started researching how to get credentials for an MLB game, all I found at first is that it's almost impossible to do. I would research for a few hours - then give up. Then I would decide to try again later - and eventually give up. This happened off and on for a couple of months.

Then my work paid off - and I was entered into the MLB credentialing system! That was amazing enough... and though I almost immediately requested credentials for the game that corresponded to when we would already be in Ohio, I really thought it would end there.

I kept up a tiny bit of hope until two days ago. By that point, I assumed that it was too late and that we hadn't gotten in. I even took the game off my calendar and archived my research notes.

So it was a total shock when I saw the email that we were in. My cheeks literally hurt from smiling and Travis was physically stunned. 

This was a definite high. 

However, I never take anything at face value. I just about always assume the worst. And the worst was yet to come. 

The approval email mentioned an email for questions if needed. So I did.

And then...

Then...

I got a reply that called into question whether or not we would actually get in - at least the way I read it the first time.

I know it seems dramatic, but I almost panicked. This was such a big dream of Travis' and I was nervous that the disappointment would really affect him.

I replied with a carefully worded response - and held my breath while I waited for a reply. 

It was one of those good-news/bad-news replies. 

Yes, we were still in. In fact, we had press box access (which is what I like the best).

However, all of the areas for field-level photography were filled. Travis wouldn't get to shoot the game after all. 

We were told that we could shoot at the concourse level, which is about 25 rows back and maybe 10-15 ft high from the field. That's still a lot more than fans get to do since we can bring our professional cameras there, but it's not what Travis had hoped for.

So... now we're here at Progressive Field, looking out of the press box (4th floor - an amazing view), waiting for the fans to be let in and for the game to start.

Is this all we wanted out of this night? Nope. Are we still very glad we're here? H*ll, yeah. 

We get to see things that very few of even the most devoted fans get to see. We get to watch a game live without having to pay for tickets (though the parking expense almost made up for it). We get to say that we did it... got credentialed for an MLB game.

Sometimes it's all about perspective. 

Highs and Lows... and Expectations, Part 2 - The Lows

So... My husband and photography partner, Travis, and I had a blast at the 2023 Indycar race at Barber Motorsports Park in Birmingham, AL (as I shared in https://www.blogger.com/u/1/blog/post/edit/729122040431351468/8161189219424744427).

We just knew that the upcoming Indycar race that we were going to get to shoot would be a million times better.

You see, my husband is a huge Indycar fan. He fell in love with racing at the track closest to his childhood home in Ohio. 

After picking up photography, it was a big dream of his to shoot an Indycar race - and an even bigger dream to do so as a credentialed media photographer at his home course. 

This summer it happened. We got the opportunity to shoot for the same driver as we did earlier in the season. We were not only going to get to be credentialed media, get VIP passes so we could hang out with him and his team, AND do it at my husband's home track.

We planned to leave for Ohio on a Thursday. That week was completely insane.

- I had been looking for a new car-to-me car for about a month - and I found a couple of great prospects the weekend before. Because there were two that were really great deals, I didn't want to wait until I got back in town to buy, so car testing and car buying had to be included in the schedule.

- I've had back problems lately, pretty extensive ones, and they had flared up incredibly over the prior week. 

- I had several work assignments come up at the last minute - and I was um, slightly overwhelmed (think in sarcasm mode here) to make sure everything was done before leaving.

- I finally had gotten around to consolidating our family's phone plans - and there were issues I had to take care of.

- To drive the new car, I had to switch everything over from my car to the new one (and I have a lot of stuff in my car that needed to be sorted through in order to find new homes for it all).

- My husband had a flare-up of his Still's Disease as well as having a really rough time at work the couple of days before we needed to leave.

- Etc. Etc. Etc.

By Wednesday afternoon, my anxiety was through the roof. At that point, I was actually trying to decide if it was worth it for me to go.

If you've read through my blog much at all, you know that I have pretty major anxiety issues. The unknown is hard on almost anyone... but it can paralyze me. 

There were an incredible amount of unknowns with this trip. I won't get into them all, but some were very anxiety-producing. Add to that, I couldn't find out the info I needed to know to reduce the fear.

In addition, the weather was supposed to be horrible. Because this shoot was more for my husband than for me, I knew I wouldn't shoot if the weather was bad - in this case, it simply wasn't worth it.

I didn't want to attend the Mid-Ohio race and sit in the photographer's room the whole weekend.

However, I finally did decide to go. I made a list of pros and cons and saw that even though there were a great number of cons, an adventure with my husband overrode them all. Even if it was a horrible trip, he was more important.

Though many of my worst fears didn't happen, it wasn't an easy trip by any means. We're glad we went but it was a big disappointment compared to what we had thought it would be.

That is... until we got an unexpected email right after we decided to cut the trip short. (See part 3 for the conclusion).

Highs and Lows... and Expectations, Part 1 - The Highs

It seems like lately the only time I have to blog is when I'm at a shoot - and have downtime between sessions. So, here I am, at an Indycar race in Lexington, Ohio at the Mid-Ohio course, finally getting a chance to blog. 

Being in media has some really high highs - and some really low lows. I guess that's really like most jobs, though. 

It seems like everything was thrown at me this past week - so much so that I seriously considered not coming.

However, this is one of the biggest dreams that my husband has had. He grew up really close to this track and this is where he fell in love with Indycar racing. 

Once he picked up photography, he had one of those dreams that's so big that you can't even really dream it - it's just an underlying, very, very small nudge that it would be wonderful if it ever happened.

His dream was to shoot an Indycar race as a credentialed photographer. In fact, the hope that he could shoot a race at Mid-Ohio was barely a flicker of a dream. Then this year, when I was once again looking at ways we might be able to do it, an unexpected way fell in my lap.

Two years ago, I interviewed an Indycar chaplain. I can't remember if I asked him or if he just told me about this up-and-coming racer named Sting Ray Robb. I made a note to contact him in the off-season and hopefully be able to set up an interview the next year.

We were able to set up that interview as hoped. One aspect of the process stuck in my memory, even as I wrote and submitted that article and started filling my head with all of the information from other interviews, shoots, and jobs I work as a freelancer. 

He calls his mom his "momager." It's exactly like it sounds - she's his mom as well as his manager (at least she was as he rose through the various racing levels).

I hit it off with his mom while setting up the interview and doing the follow-up stuff I do as a writer. It was one of those times that it was like we were friends, though we had barely talked.

It may sound wild to admit this, but I even invited her to my virtual wedding.

Finally, the 2023 Indycar season loomed. Sting Ray had placed 2nd in his class for the IndyLights level in 2022 and got a spot on an Indy team for 2023.

I was so excited for him - and for his momager.

So, when it became time to start applying for credentials for the season, I asked her if she knew of any other Christian racers that she thought I might be able to cover. 

She said she didn't know of anyone, but that she had media passes available for this race that we could have. Unbelievable!

Our local track, Barber Motorsports Park, held its Indycar race before this one. We had shot there twice before at this point, so we knew what to expect. After we got settled, we left the media center to go and say hey to Sting Ray and his momager.

She surprised us by giving us VIP passes to their tent by their hauler. It was amazing! We were able to hang out and talk - and I got to shoot a lot of photos I wouldn't have been able to otherwise.

We were on a super high. It was so much fun!

I just knew that the Mid-Ohio race would be so much better...

(This is getting really long and I need to get some actual shooting done here, so I'll work on Part 2 as I can. Stay tuned.)

Covering the K-Love Fan Awards Weekend, Part 2 - The Event

I couldn't believe that the weekend had finally arrived.

It started off being very nerve-racking. My husband didn't get off work until noon on the day we needed to leave so it was going to be tight to get there in time to get our credentials at best. 

Then, of course, things happened... having last minute, unplanned things we had to do before leaving and really bad traffic - worse than we had planned for.

On the way, we discussed what we needed to do first when we got into town. We had planned to go to check-in where we were staying first, then go to the venue (the Opryland Convention Center) to get our media passes, with a quick stop at one of the book signings on the way to getting our credentials.

Since we were delayed, we skipped the hotel and almost ran into the venue to get our media passes, realizing quickly that we couldn't find where to pick them up using the description that had been emailed to us. 

As the clock ticked... and my heart beat... faster and louder and louder and faster... we kept asking workers (who had no idea) and trying to figure out where we needed to go.

Arriving just before the deadline, we finally got our passes. What a relief it was!

It didn't end there, though. There were several book signings throughout the afternoon. Though in a perfect world, I would have loved to get every one of them, there was only one I really, really wanted - Matthew West's.

Our plan had been to get there in time to get his signature and then pick up our credentials. 

Since we were so late and it took a while to get our credentials, the line was looooong to get to him. 

I was upset, but what could I do? We decided that instead of waiting in line, we would skip trying to have him sign one of his books for us. (We did, however, get some pictures of him signing books.) 

By this time, we also knew that there wasn't time for us to check in where we were staying so we decided we would just check in after the first concert that evening.

The Friday night concert was a blast! The headliner was TobyMac and he always puts on a good show. Terrian (one of his backup singers who is also doing solo work) sang and man, does she have an amazing voice.

The night was rounded out with Blessing Offor, who was powerful; Colton Dixon, who was fun; and Katy Nichole, who was just all-around amazing.

Saturday was a day packed with concerts. In the morning, there was a "Worship in the Round" concert with Brandon Lake, David Leonard, Jon Reddick, Josh Baldwin, and Tasha Layton. 

The "Emerging Artists Showcase" consisted of an acoustic set with Ben Fuller, Cody Carnes, Dan Bremnes, Rachael Lampa, and Consumed by Fire and was hosted by Brandon Heath. It was laid back and included some amazing vocals.

The evening had another acoustic set with the "Songwriters Showcase." This set was a blast. Hosted by Steven Curtis Chapman, it included Anne Wilson, Cochran & Co, Lauren Daigle, Mercy Me, and Matthew West.

It would be hard to choose, but I feel like this last set was my favorite. Matthew and Steven cut up like crazy; Matthew sang an acoustic version of "Truth Be Told" (one of my all-time favorites); and all of the songwriters told backstories of their songs.

Sunday morning there was a church service with worship being led by Chris Tomlin. Between my physical and mental health issues, I came into the weekend knowing that I couldn't do it all - and this was what we chose to skip. I knew there was no way I would make it through the main events if I didn't take that time off.

Finally... it was time for the Red Carpet - the original event we had been invited to shoot. 

We had to find where it was held (the map was confusing) and from that point, it was just a lot of chaos, but the good kind. It was the controlled chaos of setting up cameras and lights and backdrops and making sure the bike racks were in the right place to keep the fans where they should be and making sure every person knew their roles...

It was the kind of chaos I love.

It was so much fun seeing the excitement in the fans' eyes, of seeing the talent interact with them and during camera interviews, of watching how a production like this is run...

But the real fun was being a part of the team - and being treated as a "real" photographer. Travis and I both still deal with a lot of the feelings of imposter syndrome. To be treated as an equal to the other photographers was a huge boost. For example, we were asked if the backdrop for the Red Carpet photos was okay. I spoke up and said that more light is always better. 

And they listened and brought up the light! Whoa...

I took photos of the talent as expected but I also walked around and took behind-the-scenes photos, which was an absolute blast.

After the long wait, the actual Red Carpet event was over pretty quickly and we headed to the main event - the actual awards ceremony.

They only had one photographer (or one team) shoot the actual awards, but we were given the opportunity to do something much more exciting - we got to be in the press conferences that the talent would come to after winning or performing. 

We had to walk all the way around the Grand Ole Opry to the back where the talent's entrance was. After walking past the many, many, many dressing rooms, we finally ended up in a huge studio where the press conferences would be held. 

With this being our first time there, we had to figure out where to sit and what to do. They didn't have name plates at the seats so we chose where we thought would be best and started setting up - Travis putting together his camera and working on his settings and me pulling out my laptop, finding power, connecting to wifi, getting out my voice recorder, etc - having already decided that Travis would shoot and I would take notes.

After the first performer's press conference, I quickly sprung into action. I decided I wanted to participate - to join the others in asking questions. 

I'm so thankful that we had covered NASCAR the month before. It was the first time I had been brave enough to ask a question during a press conference. Because that experience went well, I knew I could do it again.

There is one thing I'll do very differently if I'm ever able to do this again - I wish I had researched the talent and had written up some great questions before that night. As it was, I spent every minute of the breaks between the press conferences frantically trying to come up with good questions that directly related to each interviewee.

Something that still amazes me is that I had several people, including some of the talent, tell me afterward that I had some great questions. It gave me a major boost of confidence so that now I actually look forward to asking questions in other press conferences I might find myself in.

One of my concerns had been if there would be food as it started in the early afternoon and wouldn't be finished until late that night. We were told there would be basically glorified snacks but we were pleasantly surprised that it was much better than advertised. It consisted of finger foods but they tasted great, sandwiches from a local deli, elaborate veggie trays, snack-sized bags of chips, crackers, etc. 

It was more than enough to keep us going throughout the long evening.

Finally, it was over. We packed up and headed back to the car.

However, we didn't realize that the fun would continue. Walking back through the dressing room area was a hoot as all the talent were packing up and leaving. 

Many of the doors of the dressing rooms were open and so we got to see that they were themed after country music legends. I snuck some photos as we walked but didn't want to seem like too much of a sightseer so I didn't take many.

Then, because our car was parked pretty far away, I waited at the talent's entrance for my husband to go and get the car. This was where I got two compliments from talent about my questions and I got to show one of the performers some cool shots I had taken of him. 

It was definitely a weekend I'll never forget  - and I really, really hope that we get to do it again next year (where I'll know what I'm doing and can really knock it out of the park!)

Covering the K-Love Fan Awards Weekend, Part 1 - Background

There have been so many things that have happened in the past year that are so big I couldn't even dream that high. This one was especially amazing, mostly because of a part of my past I've almost forgotten about.

I grew up around music. My brothers, who are nine and ten years older than me, started a garage band in their early teens. I started piano lessons when I was around six or seven. My mom always sang in the church choir and I sang in both church and school choirs from a young age.

As a teenager, maybe 14 or 15 years old, I picked up a guitar. My brother gave me his old 12-string. (Fun fact... DON'T learn how to tune a guitar on a 12-string. It will scar you for life.) He showed me some simple chords, taught me a few ear-training basics, and let me go. 

I never heard of anyone taking guitar lessons back then. I know it was done, but since guitar was an "easy" instrument, I learned how to play on my own. I had a book of chord fingerings and that was it. Remember that this was before the age of computers so online classes weren't even something one imagined.

However, I practiced and practiced and practiced. Once I got some basic skills down, I started writing songs. (Note that I later showed some to a professional songwriter and he said they were pretty good. But for various reasons, I didn't pursue that idea.)

I was also super-religious during this time. Contemporary Christian music was in its early stages and I would set an alarm in order to listen to the few hours of this new style of gospel music that would only hit the airwaves on Saturday nights.

Needless to say, I was obsessed. I went to every Contemporary Christian concert I could afford and even met some of the band members in my favorite band. I dreamed of one day playing in a band or being a solo act. In fact, I had someone tell me once that I was going to be the new Amy Grant.

Not much later, I took my obsession on a different route - behind the scenes. I learned how to run sound, ran it for church and a few bands, and even took some classes in college, planning to go into sound engineering as a career.  

However, I got older and my dreams of going on the road with a band faded. I did spend a couple of years as a professional audio engineer at a TV station before leaving to go back to college full-time.

As the years passed, I would still play guitar or keyboard or run sound at churches I went to through the years, but I dropped the idea of doing it professionally.

I still loved the music, though.

Imagine my complete surprise when in late March 2023, one of my contacts who pitches me interview possibilities in the Christian music field emailed me something unusual. It was an invitation for Novel Photos to shoot the Red Carpet event for the K-Love Fan Awards.

I dared to hope... was this actually being sent to me? Was it a mistake? After a quick check online for a little research about the event and after checking my calendar, I replied that my husband/photography partner and I would love to. 

I had also boldly taken a chance and asked if we could shoot any of the concerts throughout the weekend prior to the awards. 

It only took about a week to hear back (though it felt like a year). The concerts were already covered but we got a green light to shoot the Red Carpet event before and media room appearances during the awards.

Even though we didn't get the full weekend, my husband and I were still hyped and started making arrangements.

Then, about a week ago, after we had already made lodging reservations and my husband had taken off work for the day after the awards, we got another surprise email. We had been approved to shoot the full weekend!

We had to scramble to make arrangements for the addition to our trip, but loved every minute of it.

(Part 2 coming soon.)