Tuesday, July 9, 2019

What a Month!

For at least 6 months I have known that May-June 2019 was going to be one of the busiest periods of my life.  Turns out I was correct.  I had 3 huge projects starting mid May and lasting until July 1st.  Even if each one had gone smoothly, it would have been a lot.  But nothing went smoothly about any of them.  Major complications arose for all of the projects.  I ended up adding some work that I hadn't planned on.  At times I felt I was drowning but I just kept pulling towards the sky, trying to break through all of the crushing water to get some air.

I actually finished half a day ahead of the last deadline of July 1st.  But another, last-minute project came up.  Even though I was exhausted, professionally it was a great opportunity which could lead to more opportunities, so I decided to do it.  Was it because of my exhaustion or was that just a contributing factor for doing something very poorly that I usually do easily?   There were extenuating circumstances that would have been hard to overcome on my best day - and after the six weeks prior I was far from being my best.

But I made it.  Then another opportunity.  And another failure.

I...  Don't...  Like...  To...  Fail...  I'm usually pretty good at most things I try to do.  I consider myself very good at some other things.  However, the eight or so weeks from mid-May to early-July I have failed at my goals much, much more than I've seen success.  This is hard to admit, even though I know there's a chance that not one other person will ever read this blog and so I'm probably only admitting it to myself.  It's still difficult to write out, though.

Combine this with my ongoing and never-ending mental health issues.  It may seem weird to some, but I prayed for a bout of mania to get me through this time.  After a stretch of mania, the bone-crushing depression is always not worth it, but at the time... At least when I'm manic I can get things done.  I don't second-guess myself nearly as much.  I feel there is hope that I can make it as a freelancer, that one day I can make a living at this without struggling every minute.

Most of that time I was in a low cycle - depressed.  My very strong sense of commitment as well as the need to please my clients was often the only thing that got me out of bed each day.  I did have a couple of very short-term times of mania, or maybe they were actually short periods of stability (as someone who isn't stable very much, I have a hard time recognizing when I'm there).  Those helped me push through and get a little momentum going so that I felt it was possible to finish.  But like I mentioned before, most of that time I was in a depressed cycle.

So July 1st finally comes.  I had been counting down the days until I could feel a little relief.  But the project from the afternoon of the last day of June had to be finished.  So I went into the last job I've described depressed and beyond exhausted.  I was training to do another aspect of my business.  It's not good to go into training in that mental, emotional, and physical state.  But I didn't want to disappoint my trainer or let on how bad off I was, so I tried to push through.  It was horrible.  I knew it didn't go well but I hoped I could recover.  That during the next training session, it would all make sense.  It did go better, but not nearly as good as I wanted.  It turns out that not only do I not have the specific skill-set to do this, but I don't have the right equipment.  I'm not usually a quitter, but after the second training session, I knew it wasn't a good fit.  So I quit.

Now... today... I need to do something I've had on the back burner for months.  I'm still very depressed and I'm still extremely exhausted.  But it needs to be done so I'm back pulling towards the sky, trying to break through all of the crushing water to get some air.  I just hope I can find the strength to keep swimming.

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