Sunday, March 22, 2020

Boredom x Depression + Anxiety = Misery

I am getting bored. Not the "I don't have anything to do" kind of bored, because as a freelancer, I ALWAYS have something to do.

However, I'm getting to the "there's nothing I want to do" stage of this COVID-19 social isolation quarantine. I pushed through this past week and even was able to do some of the things I didn't want to do. This was mixed in with things at least didn't mind doing or at least items I wanted to check off my list so badly that I got them done.

But you know how there are things on your to-do list that are overwhelming for one reason or another... those things you tend to procrastinate with much more than everything else? I'm at that stage of my "what to do during the quarantine" list.

The next points on my list are either difficult, for little reward, or just plain ol' not fun. My anxiety is at a level where I'm kind of shaky from nerves no matter what I do. My depression is at a level where my motivation is almost nonexistent.

One of the major characteristics of depression is that you don't want to do activities that you previously enjoyed doing. One characteristic of anxiety is having trouble concentrating due to the racing thoughts you just can't get rid of. This makes any task extra hard to do.

Take, for example, watching TV. There isn't a TV show, Youtube video, or Netflix movie on that will overcome the racing thoughts I'm dealing with as well as the nervous feeling that makes it hard to stay still. (It's hard enough sitting here at my desk to do this, but at least my mind and fingers are busy.) My go-to when I can't find anything else to watch is usually a comedian. Nothing is funny right now. I'm not crying at everything so that's a step in the right direction, but laughter feels very, very far away.

Another example is Candy Crush. I would almost consider myself a Candy Crush addict, as there are times I want to quit but I keep finding myself saying, "Just one more game," until I run out of lives, even if that means another hour has passed. I still play but purely because it's a habit. I don't find it enjoyable. Before all this happened, I only had a limited amount of time I could play, just because I was so busy. Now, however, I keep reaching for my phone to play when I know I have more lives, but it's just not fun. It's kinda stressful, in fact.

I love organization and I've been cleaning out stuff, trying to find things that I can sell to help pay bills while photography sessions, rideshare, and mystery shopping jobs are almost non-existent. That gets really old too, due to the depression symptom: "things I used to find enjoyable no longer being fun."

It's a task... something to do to be productive... something to do to be proactive and keep from going crazy worrying about finances. However, almost nothing I've listed is selling. I'm sure others are worried about finances too so I didn't expect lots of sales. Out of listing lots of stuff, I've only sold one item.

It makes it harder and harder to list each new thing because in the back of mind I hear a voice telling me I'm wasting my time. There's also a voice that seems to get louder the longer I do this that says, "You might need this one day so you shouldn't get rid of it." The voices are unrelenting and wear me down over time.

Decisions, even small ones, are always difficult for me. My anxiety tells me I'm making the wrong choice so I research and research to at least up the odds in the favor of making the "right decision." When I'm in this state, it's so much worse. Culling photos, which is something I could do 24/7 for a week and still not get through all of them, is hard; editing photos, of which includes a multitude of decisions for each image, is darn near impossible. Making a decision on something important, like which ideas I should try to pitch to the newspaper I work for, makes my head hurt to think about.

Then there is my go-to when I'm anxious or bored or depressed... food. I'm trying to use the principles of my eating disorder 12-Step group and I'm working on not compulsively grabbing food when I'm in this state. But food calms me down. Depending on the food and the moment, it can be a physical rush with an instant peace that comes over me. I haven't been working that program long enough to know how to deal with times when I feel like this. I think it's very similar to someone addicted to drugs or alcohol - there's literally nothing that gives you the same feeling - so it's very hard to come up with alternatives.

Add having mental health issues... in my case, major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, and various anxiety disorders to the mix... I wonder sometimes if there is anyone else with my combo of mental health issues and addictions who successfully recovered. If so, how?

I haven't given up... yet. I am still trying to do my food plan and trying to not act out. (By the way, I'm successful at one but miserably failing at the other - from what I said above you can probably guess which is which.) I need something to cope with this stressful time. I know food isn't the answer... but what is?


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing. I feel it too. Times are extra difficult. It seems weeks are flying by, but I am moving in slow motion and struggling to see things through the fog.

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