Wednesday, September 15, 2021

One of "Those Days"... and Expectations

Today has been one of "those days" - the days we all have but no one enjoys... the days when everything seems to go wrong... the days we feel like we are spinning our wheels.

But today I realized something - expectations make days like this seem even worse than they actually are. Let me 'splain.

I woke up ready to go. Woo-hoo, I'm manic! Being manic for me means waking up early, ready to work. It means I'm able to tackle difficult tasks with much more confidence than usual. It means I'm able to socialize, make phone calls, and deal with people in ways I can't when I'm depressed or even sometimes when I'm stable.

(If you haven't read my other blogs, I'm bipolar, type 2, which means my mania is less severe than type 1 and I'm usually able to function fairly well. I don't want to make it sound like something everyone should have, though, as it also has many drawbacks. I'll often find myself talking too much and even when I realize it, I can't stop. I shop online more than usual but I'm not embarrassed to return something so when I am out of control there, I can usually fix it when I come down. Though I am more energetic and full of ideas, I'm also scattered and have a very hard time focusing. Sometimes my anxiety can go through the roof during this mood. But it sure beats being depressed and feeling like you are swimming through molasses day after day.)

Back to today... I woke up early and instead of laying in bed trying to make myself get going, I went almost immediately to take a bath and get to work. I finished an article I started yesterday, completed some little tasks I had been putting off, had a phone meeting with a sponsee, and then had teletherapy.

The therapy appointment was very helpful as we worked through a big dilemma I'm facing and I got not only a lot of support but some very practical tips on how to handle it. Because I didn't want to forget what she said, I spent some time after therapy working on the suggestions we had figured out. 

By this time it was lunchtime. I worked while I ate (which is typical for me, especially during an up-cycle) and then when I got to a stopping place, I decided to take quick break before getting ready for a doctor's appointment. 

Then the day started going downhill. I went to that doctor's appointment only to find out once I had checked in that I didn't need that follow-up after all. I tried to stay positive and thought, well, since I'm dressed and out (I work from home so I am super casual, staying in PJs sometimes all day), I might as well finish the errands I put off until a day I have to be out anyway.

I went to drop off a script at my local DME (durable medical equipment) store. When I got there, I had to wait a while and when someone finally helped me, she told me that they didn't have what I needed. I know a few weeks ago I called them about it but, whatever. I couldn't argue with her and make the brace I needed appear out of nowhere. She was very sweet and gave me the phone number of a place that did carry them.

I went out to my car to call them and get the address so I could still finish that task today... only to find out that I would have to make an appointment that would take 45 minutes to an hour to complete - and their location was all the way downtown. So that would have to be put off for who knows how long.

Another item I had on my to-do list for way too long and really wanted to cross off was to get the mail-order glasses I got checked out by an optician. The eye care place I use didn't have an optician in today so I pulled over to pull out the flyer that came with the glasses to get info about another optician in the area. I didn't have the flyer. I did have the receipt so I called them. Meanwhile, I tried the glasses on again and they seemed to work better. I told him I needed to check them out again at my computer (as that's what they are exclusively for) and I'd call back. 

I had planned to meet a friend at his office but he didn't text me back so I wasn't sure that he was still there.

I did get one thing accomplished... I had to get a car wash subscription I had bought (extreme coupon deal) canceled and I was able to get it done without a problem.

I got home and realized I hadn't seen the other pair of glasses I got (for other tasks as needed) in a while and bawled as I thought I had accidentally pushed them into the trash can under the table where I keep all of the stuff that needs to go elsewhere. I looked and looked for them and just about gave up. 

I was talking to my boyfriend at the time and I burst out, "This isn't the way the day is supposed to be going. I'm manic!" 

The realization hit me... those dang expectations got me again. Because the day started so well and because I had energy I usually don't have, I thought that the day would be without flaws. 

But there is good and bad to EVERY day. In fact, I am trying not to get to the point where I don't label an entire day as good or bad. Each day is full of good, bad, boring, exciting, fulfilling, scary, and/or depressing moments. And each day is actually a good day, because I'm still here. I'm still trying. I'm still putting one foot in front of the other.

Though every moment might not be classified as "good," life is good.


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