Thursday, November 25, 2021

Thanksgiving... Sigh...

 Hallmark movies. Holiday commercials. Magazine spreads.

They all perpetuate the myth that holidays are a joyful time for everyone.

I don't want to be a downer, but I'm one of those who doesn't like most holidays. 

The noise is overstimulating. I feel guilty when I eat foods bad for me... but I'm still struggling with saying no to them, especially when everyone else is. I feel pressure to socialize, which when I'm in a low cycle is especially hard.

Today, Thanksgiving 2021, has been rough. It started out rough, with several difficult to deal with situations first thing this morning. 

I thought it was getting better. When I first arrived for Thanksgiving dinner with my family, I was able to talk to them without too much trouble. I thought that it was going to be a "good day."

About an hour into the gathering, I was done. I started having a hard time just talking to others. I wanted to hide. And then one of my worst fears happened....

The chair I was sitting in broke.

For someone who weighs what I do, it's always a risk, always a fear. However, my brother, at whose house we always spend Thanksgiving, weighs about as much as I do. 

I assumed his furniture was sturdy. It's possible, even likely, that the reason this chair broke is because it often was the one he sat in. Or maybe it was just defective.

When I sat down in it, I knew it didn't feel "right." I tried to scoot a little in it and it twisted instead of scooted. It rocked - and it wasn't a rocking chair. 

What I should have done was get up at that time and point it out to my brother. I should have traded chairs with someone else. I should have done... something.

But I didn't. And with one scoot too many, the chair fell apart. 

I didn't get hurt. At least my body wasn't hurt. My pride was... so much.

I'm thankful that more didn't see it happen. Everyone except my daughter, her finace', my mom, and my boyfriend were in the other room.

As of this moment, my brother and his wife still don't realize I broke one of their chairs. I don't know how to tell them. I want so much to run away.

I feel sick. I feel tired. I feel mad. 

Why can't I have a Thanksgiving without something bad happening? It seems that something happens every year. 

I can't seem to win.

Again, I apologize for being so pitiful. I'm sorry I can't be all upbeat about this day. I am grateful for so much but at the moment I just feel sad.

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