This time it's not the middle of the night. In fact, it's almost the exact same time I wrote "Nerves" - just change the AM to a PM.
My nerves are back, with a vengeance.
This time it's not as much physical as emotional. It's flat-out worry.
With anxiety disorder, worry is common for me. I have to actively fight against letting it overtake my life. Most days I win, if only by a slight margin in triple-overtime.
Today I'm losing... badly. It's been a massacre.
It's also been a long time since I was physically affected by the anxiety I'm feeling. My stomach is in knots. That feeling is not that uncommon for me but it's usually over something imminent and usually focused on one issue.
Right now I feel this way because of a multitude of issues.
One is the surgery I'm having in, GULP!, 11 days to repair a torn rotator cuff. I've been dreading it now for a couple of months. As it gets closer, I am getting even more nervous. I think of more and more things that I won't be able to do and that's compounded because I have no idea how long I won't be able to do those things.
What a way to start a marriage! The day I have my surgery it will be 7 weeks that we have been married.
It's tough for someone who has had to be strong and independent for so many years as a single mom to be dependent on someone financially... and even more so to be dependent on someone physically.
I know that I'll adapt. I know I'll figure out ways to do most of what I need to do while my right shoulder is healing.
It's just that uncertainty combined with a loss of control that's driving me crazy.
I don't want to get into specifics, but there are also several other situations that are really nerve-racking.
It's been said before on this blog... the stuff that I'm dealing with would cause even a neurotypical person to worry, especially when thinking of everything combined.
Imagine what that means for someone who can feel anxious on the best day, during a time when circumstances are all going well. You can probably guess that where I am now is worse than a horror-movie marathon on Halloween.
Plus, I can't keep telling myself that it's all fake.
I don't know how to shake it this time. I've tried distracting myself (as I can't focus enough to even try to work). I'm busy but nothing has changed in my stomach. Apparently, it hasn't gotten the memo that I'm not thinking about all of those issues right now.
I guess there is one piece of good news in all this... I've been doing EMDR with my therapist about not wanting to go to food when I'm overwhelmed. At least that's been working. I don't want to eat. (Maybe it's working too well...)
If I keep going I'm at an extremely high risk of repeating myself even more than I already have.
I do have a request, though. If anyone reads this and believes in prayer, I would appreciate some for me. Right now that's the only hope I have to make it through the next few weeks.