Nerves, Part 2

By -

 This time it's not the middle of the night. In fact, it's almost the exact same time I wrote "Nerves" - just change the AM to a PM. 

My nerves are back, with a vengeance. 

This time it's not as much physical as emotional. It's flat-out worry. 

With anxiety disorder, worry is common for me. I have to actively fight against letting it overtake my life. Most days I win, if only by a slight margin in triple-overtime.

Today I'm losing... badly. It's been a massacre.

It's also been a long time since I was physically affected by the anxiety I'm feeling. My stomach is in knots. That feeling is not that uncommon for me but it's usually over something imminent and usually focused on one issue.

Right now I feel this way because of a multitude of issues. 

One is the surgery I'm having in, GULP!, 11 days to repair a torn rotator cuff. I've been dreading it now for a couple of months. As it gets closer, I am getting even more nervous. I think of more and more things that I won't be able to do and that's compounded because I have no idea how long I won't be able to do those things.

What a way to start a marriage! The day I have my surgery it will be 7 weeks that we have been married. 

It's tough for someone who has had to be strong and independent for so many years as a single mom to be dependent on someone financially... and even more so to be dependent on someone physically. 

I know that I'll adapt. I know I'll figure out ways to do most of what I need to do while my right shoulder is healing.

It's just that uncertainty combined with a loss of control that's driving me crazy.

I don't want to get into specifics, but there are also several other situations that are really nerve-racking. 

It's been said before on this blog... the stuff that I'm dealing with would cause even a neurotypical person to worry, especially when thinking of everything combined.

Imagine what that means for someone who can feel anxious on the best day, during a time when circumstances are all going well. You can probably guess that where I am now is worse than a horror-movie marathon on Halloween.

Plus, I can't keep telling myself that it's all fake. 

I don't know how to shake it this time. I've tried distracting myself (as I can't focus enough to even try to work). I'm busy but nothing has changed in my stomach. Apparently, it hasn't gotten the memo that I'm not thinking about all of those issues right now.

I guess there is one piece of good news in all this... I've been doing EMDR with my therapist about not wanting to go to food when I'm overwhelmed. At least that's been working. I don't want to eat. (Maybe it's working too well...)

If I keep going I'm at an extremely high risk of repeating myself even more than I already have.

I do have a request, though. If anyone reads this and believes in prayer, I would appreciate some for me. Right now that's the only hope I have to make it through the next few weeks.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mania to Depression During COVID-19

By -
I have bipolar disorder, Type 2, which some consider "mild"... but live in my shoes for a few weeks and you'll think it's anything but mild. As with many mental illnesses, one can be high-functioning or lower-functioning, depending on the severity of the illness, support from others, etc.  Maybe it's because performing well is a major part of my self-worth; maybe it's the work ethic I've been brought up with; maybe it's something else, but I have to be really, really depressed to keep me from working if I have a deadline for a task. Lately, I’ve been that depressed. Today I realized a couple of the reasons... First, the obvious: I mentioned why I feel I am high functioning despite having a serious disorder. COVID-19 has robbed some of that from me and I hadn't even realized it. My main job is as an event photographer. I supplement my income with rideshare (Uber/Lyft), mystery shopping, and some writing. So, three out of
Read more

When Hopes and Dreams Attach to Things

By -
I'm embarrassed even as I write this.  Backstory... My husband recently joined my freelancing business. It's something we had planned to do "one day" but not right now.  An unexpected job loss and a little too much work for me to handle it on my own pushed us to try to make this work. It's not like we were living in the lap of luxury. Together we made only about $60k a year. Another $5k+ went towards medical bills due to his not-so-ideal health insurance and my many physical and mental health issues and another several thousand goes to help my daughter who currently can't work due to medical issues. With the change, we technically went to just over the poverty level. I really think we can build it to the point we'll have enough to live on. But with the transition, it became time to sell some of the things that I've been thinking about selling for a while - to help pad our income until we can figure things out on making a living doing this. Some were no
Read more

Once Again, I'm Ba-ack!

By -
 If you've read this blog any length of time at all, you know that as much as my desire to be consistent is, my life doesn't allow for much consistency. I'm not saying this as an excuse... it's just the way it is. When you deal with (summarized)... - multiple physical and mental health issues, - getting married at 54 years old to someone who was never married... and only being a little over a year into that marriage, - a grown daughter with multiple physical and mental health issues,  - a struggling freelance business that, though it makes money, never seems to allow me to get ahead, and - living with my elderly parents and helping them out... ... you don't have much left for things that aren't necessary. This time it was almost a three-month-long illness (complications from surgery) that ended with my dad's death. I was at the hospital the vast majority of the days, often getting there around 7am.  At first, I tried to work while I was there. In fact, anyth
Read more