Tonight I did something that I haven't done in YEARS - playing a keyboard. Back in the day (when I walked 5 miles in the snow to and from school - uphill both ways) I was pretty good at keyboard. I took piano for about seven years as a child but never really played after my last lesson.
But I was good at complimenting the instuments in the worship teams I played with. I played filler strings, low bass, etc. I also played rhythm acoustic guitar or sometimes filler there too. Kind of like the keyboard, I had my niche and I didn't sway from it. I didn't play an electric guitar; I didn't play lead.
I wasn't great at it, but I was pretty darn good at those things. Playing with worship teams was part of my identity. In fact, the email address I concocted with the help of a friend was based on my love of guitar: harpofworship. It was based on the fact that a harp is just a more elaborate stringed instrument than a guitar.
Years passed... The churches I went to either died or moved locations far from me. I got cynical when church after church added to my hurt. Becoming a part of a worship team became a part of my past. I gave my beloved white thin-bodied Alverez Yairi and my keyboard to my daughter and put my even more beloved amazing-sounding full-bodied Takamini in its case and set it aside.
When I met my husband and found out he had also been a part of worship teams in his past, it became a dream/goal to hopefully play together on a team. But over the years we have been together, different attempts have failed for various reasons (adding to the earlier mentioned hurt, by the way).
But a little more than a month ago, we started going to a new church. The band was the style both of us had played with before. Best of all, they didn't have anyone playing percussion and my husband, a drummer who really liked to play percussion, was able to fill a need.
We talked to the worship leader about it and were a little bit surprised when he said this was a possibility. My husband told him he played percussion and I told him I played keyboard and guitar. I was nervous about saying that, since it had been so long, but I thought it would come back. Other times in my life I had put the instruments down and was able to pick them up and play like I hadn't stopped.
The worship leader told us that we could start practicing with the team and maybe in a few months, we might start playing. It was amazing when, to our surprise, after only practicing two weeks, he was asked to start playing during the service.
Meanwhile, I had shared with the worship leader what my real passion was - to sign during worship. All of my years of learning sign off and on had finally come together and signing worship songs is something I feel I might can be successful at.
I was shocked when the worship leader asked me what my passion was to do with the team. He used the word "passion." Just a few days before I had been telling that signing during worship was something I was passionate about. So I was incredibly, incredibly excited when I felt free to share that passion with him.
He didn't seem very enthusiastic at first but as I explained what I was thinking, he seemed to think it could be a good thing. He told me that he needed to talk to the pastor.
So the wait began...
The pastor was out of town the next week for his wedding anniversary. I was really encouraged by something a worship team member told me about signing. Then he was really busy with family obligations when he got home. I was resigned to wait.
This morning my wait was partially over. I texted the worship leader about something else and he mentioned that they had talked. By this point, I was really expecting a "yes." (You know what they say about expectations!)
It wasn't a yes. It wasn't a no. I was a "the jury is still out."
I cried. Yes, I know it wasn't a no, and honestly, a no at the moment doesn't mean a no forever. For one thing, it means that my waiting isn't over (and I hate waiting!)
But the biggest issue is that it may mean that once again my dreams about once again being part of a worship team might not happen.
So while I was crying, I tried to not catastrophize/spiral into that pit. I reminded myself that maybe if the signing thing didn't work out, maybe that would give me a chance to play keyboard and/or guitar again.
Well, I got to the church early tonight so I could practice before the main practice. I felt like a dinosaur. The keyboard is a lot more high-tech than I expected and even though I didn't dare mess with any settings, it was a little intimidating.
Then I just couldn't seem to figure out what to play. About halfway through the time I had pre-practice, I realized what was wrong - the entire time I played, I used paper chords charts. I wrote like crazy over those things with notes about what I worked out.
I was using my phone for both the chord chart and for the music, which meant that any time I needed to go back to a certain part to practice it over and over, I had to close one screen and open another. I couldn't write on it. I was straining to even see the little print.
It was all I could do to not lose it completely and run crying out of the sanctuary.
I'm trying to be optimistic about the whole thing - similar to what I said earlier, just because I couldn't get it tonight doesn't mean I never will. Just because when I picked up my guitar I realized I'm too overweight to play it doesn't mean that I'll never be able to (after all, I am losing weight now). Just because "the jury is still out" right now doesn't mean the jury might not come in with a favorable verdict.
But right now it hurts. I want to just give up. On top of it, I'm watching my husband play with the team. I'm so happy for him - and so jealous, I almost can't stand it. I'm listening to songs about how good God is. At the moment, I know in my heart that He's good but I don't feel like He is.
To top it off, I can't seem to sign. I keep getting "hand-tied" (a made-up word I use for the signed version of tongue-tied). I feel like I can't get anything right tonight. I just want to go home and cry myself to sleep - and hope that tomorrow is better, either in being able to do this after all or having a better attitude about it.
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