Dear Jack

It's been just over 2 weeks since he died, but it seems much longer because I wasn't able to talk to him the last couple of months he was alive. 

Jack - my sponsor, mentor, officiant of my wedding, and best friend - isn't here any more.

I've missed him incredibly and today that feeling was increased a thousand-fold.

Jack was my biggest encourager of my work. He's the first one (other than family) who really believed in me and both my photography and writing skills. He gave me advice when I asked but didn't continually critique my work. He told me stories of his own professional experience and others he knew in similar fields.

But mostly, Jack listened to me. He was the one I could always call when I was having a bad day or something was really going wrong. 

I can't remember when we first shared the phrase "the sh*t-truck just dumped another load in my driveway," but it became an ongoing joke as well as a phrase I would use if my call was an SOS.

The first time I had fun with this phrase was to give him a note that a family in a 3rd world country was going to get a gift of manure in his name. Now, that sounds like a joke in itself, but it's really a prized gift for a family doing trying to make a living through gardening. This was a legit Christmas present through an organization who helps feed families in 3rd world countries and give them the skills for jobs.

But the main time it was used was when I had a setback with my freelance business or my mental health (anxiety/depression/hypomania) got in the way of living life. I would call and I just had to say that the truck was back, and he knew where I was and how he could help.

Well, today was the first time that truck has dropped off a load since he's been gone. My tears for what happened weren't that extreme until I realized I couldn't call and talk to him about it... ever again.

Today has been a rough day, to say the least. I'm still reeling from the news I got and exhausted from the crying I've done so I'll make this short. My plan is to come back here and share things about him as I remember them, but as it's hard to keep up with this blog as it is, no promises.

But for now, I just want to say to him once again what I always said before leaving an in-person meeting or hanging up the phone: "Love you, big brother." (And I will always miss you!!!!)

It's the Holidays Again

Today is December 1, 2024. 

Thanksgiving was this past week. After an almost-full-blown panic attack, I made it to my family gathering and did okay. Otherwise, this week hasn't been that eventful. Work is slim this time of year so at least I didn't have a lot of commitments I had to fulfill. I'm thankful because I also wasn't feeling well.

Part of the reason I wasn't feeling well was that this past Sunday morning my sponsor, mentor, and one of my best friends, Jack, passed away. I knew he was in the hospital but he didn't want any visitors so he wouldn't tell me where he was. He quickly became too weak to talk or text though I was pretty sure he wouldn't make it, when I got a voicemail from his brother-in-law, it was still a shock. I've been crying off and on all week. I miss him terribly.

That loss, combined with the upcoming holidays (with very, very limited resources and energy for gifts, decorating, and Christmas activities), my back getting worse, my mom's own back surgery not having worked, my depression deepening, my left eardrum bursting for the 4th time in the last few months, and my husband's auto-immune disorder really acting up... I'm not in a great place right now. Oh - and in two days will be the first anniversary of my dad dying.

What gets me more than anything is that I'm supposed to feel happy this time of year. At this moment, I'm sitting at church during the before-service worship team practice where my husband is playing percussion. It's not practical due to distance to take separate cars, so I almost always come with him, even though I then have about 2 hours to kill early on Sunday morning.

I had been out of town for several Sundays and wasn't feeling well last Sunday so I didn't go (which actually worked out well because I would have been a basket case if I heard the news about Jack's passing while at church).

Upon arrival today, I saw the church full of Christmas trees and decorations. The worship team is practicing Christmas songs along with some of the regular worship songs. Most people would absolutely love having this before-church time to sit here and enjoy the beautiful surroundings and music.

But not me.

All I want to do is cry - and the hidden pressure to be really happy just makes it worse. I don't know how I'll make it through worship (the singing part) this morning because I'm so down. I'm scared that the wall that was being torn down around my heart about worship is being built again - but I seem powerless to stop it.

I was starting to really lose it when I realized I needed to write and get it all out (thus this post).

Anyway, I'm sorry that this is such a downer. I wrote it because it's one of the best ways for me process my feelings. However, I'm posting it here to let others know that if they aren't feeling happy or joyous about the holidays - you aren't alone. 

But even as I wrote the last paragraph, I'm reminded about my Thanksgiving experience. The morning of Thanksgiving, I was really stressed and overwhelmed. I decided I couldn't deal with the family, planning to instead eat Chinese buffet by myself. But by the afternoon, I was doing better and I not only went, but had a pretty good time. 

So keep in mind that circumstances and moods can change. Just because you feel horrible this hour, or day, or week, doesn't mean it'll last all month. 

One more thing... Go back and find where I wrote the phrase "powerless to stop it." Yes, I am powerless. Recognizing this is the first step in any addiction recovery program - and I'm sure it works in this case too. I'm powerless concerning so much of my life, which is why I have to rely on a higher power (in my case, God). 

I'll try to keep these things in mind along with you - as we all face the Christmas season of 2024. Just like so many Christmas seasons I've dreaded in the past, January WILL come - with all of its own issues, hurts, disappointments... and good times. Nothing is all good but nothing is all bad. 

We can make it through whatever we're facing. Just take the next right step (another addition recovery statement).

Whatever we do, we have to just keep going.

(For a funny post about a past Thanksgiving, go to https://www.spotlightonstigma.com/2019/08/ah-family-trigger-warning-suicide.html)