New Year's 2025 Musings

It's over a quarter of a century into 2025. I'm over two quarters of a century old. And boy, today, do I feel it.

New Year's Day is one of those holidays that often involves a lot of fun and relaxation. The major stresses of the holidays are over (except undecorating!) and many are off work. Watching football is the main activity for a good majority of the US. New Year's resolutions are now in effect, and though some may be broken before the day is over, there's still a lot of hope that this will be the year of positive changes.

But not for me... not this New Year's Day. I haven't felt this much of a loss of purpose, a loss of hope, in a very long time. As you know if you read this blog, I deal with bipolar, type 2, so depression is not just circumstantial. It's very much a chemical thing that can't be ignored, with medication, therapy and the support of others to keep going.

Let's talk about those ways I've used to cope with mental health issues...

We'll start with my therapy... A few months ago, my therapist said I was doing well and though I could come back anytime I needed her, I had met my goals and no longer needed to come regularly to sessions. I was surprised at what she said. I really thought that I would be in therapy once or twice a month the rest of my life.

However, don't think that because I was doing well in therapy meant that life suddenly became a bed of roses. (Whoever came up with that phrase, anyway? What about the dang thorns?!) It just meant that I was using the coping methods we had worked on in order to be okay whatever happened. 

So, let me reiterate - I didn't stop therapy because I stopped being depressed. I wish that was the reason. Maybe I need to go back but honestly I don't think it would change much. I feel my problem is much more intrinsic.

Okay... medication. Maybe I need to up the dosage on my meds. They seemed to be working well at taming the rapid mood swings I faced without them. But, looking back, maybe they weren't doing as well as I thought. 

Any changes with psych meds can be scary, though. For bipolar, successfully treating the depression can lead to increased mania. Treating the mania, can lead to more depression. It's a fine line - and the side effects of most psych meds are no joke on top of that - so going up or adding new ones has several risks.

Support... I have the support of lots of friends and some family. But they all have their own lives and their own issues. Being part of the sandwich generation, many friends my age are like me - helping their parents while their children are still somewhat needy. They are helpful but I can't rely on them as much as I wish I could. 

So, looking back at 2024, it was a dumpster fire. Wait - that's not a good metaphor. A dumpster fire may be a huge deal and can lead to other fires and the destruction of a lot, but eventually it burns out. 

I guess in a way, it fits. There was an end to 2024. The fire never went out, but the year did. 

2024 was a year of struggle, of loss, of rethinking what I should be doing with my life. In Dec 2023, my dad died. Because my husband and I live with my parents (well, now my mom), the first three or four months of 2024 were spent being there for my mother, helping her go through dad's things, helping sort paperwork that dad had all over the house (he had some dementia at the end). I have three brothers who helped some, but they were working and had their own families. They couldn't be here much to help with all the little things that a death involves.

Not long before dad died, my husband was fired. His original position had been eliminated and the one they moved him to wasn't a good fit. Being uncharacteristically optimistic, I thought it would be a good idea for him to join me in my business. There wasn't enough work for both of us, but there was more than I could handle, especially since I needed to be available a lot more for my mom than the previous year.

Having him home was a Godsend in many ways. We were able to share the paid work - my writing and our photography - and though we never had any extra, we made it. I thought we could start getting more work since there were two of us doing it full-time, but it never happened. In fact, the opposite happened.

Starting last summer, I think, work, especially photography, opportunities began drying up. We would get some amazing leads and then were ghosted. Great ideas we had never panned out. As the "owner," I kept butting my head against a wall, trying to figure out what was going on and how I could fix it.

We decided to give it six months and if it business didn't start picking up, then he would look for a regular job while I tried to make the business work solo. 

Well, the six months has come and gone. As you can probably guess, it didn't happen. But neither did a job. Things kept getting in the way - equipment problems that took a lot of time (and money) to fix, sickness, injuries, some amazing travel opportunities that we just couldn't pass up, family issues...

It was easy to say that "next week" we would work on it, knowing that though the money we had in savings that we had set aside just for this time of trying to make the business work for both of us, along with the current amount of work, was enough for the time being. It wouldn't last long, but we thought we had a few more months before we really had to act.

My husband, who did car appraisal work (photos only), had been making a good bit each month. In Oct, it had gone down to 10 jobs - not a lot, but that much still helped pay the bills. In November and December, he had 3 each month.

Then, another slam. The main client that I wrote for, where the majority of my monthly income was based, changed their format. My work has been cut to probably a 5th of what it was before. 

But the biggest problem, the main reason I'm writing now, is that I feel defeated. I've worked making this business successful for over 7 years now. I really thought that by now, I would be figuring things out. The future seemed bright. 

There are few things that hurt as much as your business, your passion of over 7 years, slowly failing and knowing you might not be able to stop it.

My last post was about my friend, sponsor and mentor, Jack. Going back to "support," he was my biggest cheerleader. Every time I had a success or failure in the business, I could go to him with all of the joys of success, as well as having him help me problem-solve the failures. He helped me more than I realized - until now. I miss him incredibly.

There are few things that hurt as much as one of your best friends dying and knowing you may never have someone else who can fill that void.

On top of this, my mom is doing horribly. She broke a vertebrae in her back and the surgery she had to fix it has apparently caused a break in another vertebrae below it. She's in incredible pain. She came to me this morning asking about a back brace she found online. I had to tell her that I don't think it'll help. I told her we needed to wait to go back to the doctor to see if there's anything they can do.

There are few things that hurt as much as your mom being in pain and knowing you can't help.

And on top of that, my daughter needs to move and she has no where to go. Due to some pretty major mental and physical issues, she hasn't been able to work much at all the past few years. She's finally getting better but still can't work full-time. She calls me crying that she needs to get out of her current living situation and I don't know how to help. We don't have room for her here (though we'll make room if we have to) and have no idea where she can go. 

There are few things that hurt as much as your child being hurting and knowing you can't fix it.

Depression has been part of my life as long as I can remember. It hasn't been constant, but it's always been in the background, waiting to rear its ugly head when I least expect it. As I said earlier, my depression isn't solely due to circumstances, and the circumstances I've been dealing with and am still dealing with are no joke. But they aren't the whole problem.

This depression is different. I usually say that depression is like swimming in a pool of molasses. Right now I feel like I'm swimming in a pool of molasses with a rock tied to my foot and wearing blacked-out googles - that no matter what I do, I can't see the wall that leads to getting out of the pool and even if I could, I don't have the energy to pull that rock to make it to the wall. 

So, for all of you who are having a joyful, fun-filled, hope-ridden New Year's Day, I'm glad for you (and I don't mean that sarcastically). Be thankful. 

If you're like me and having a really rough start to the new year, know that you aren't alone.

As of writing this sentence, it's 10:18 AM on January 1, 2025. There's around 10-12 hours left in the day before I go to bed. Maybe, just maybe, something will change before the day's even done.

However, even though it might not be today - and it might not be tomorrow. It might not even be within the week or within the month. 

But if we all keep going, even if we don't feel like it, there's always hope.