Grateful in Everything?

I am a calendar person. Even though I moved to a Google calendar years ago, I still keep a paper calendar up where I can easily see it.

The main reason I have it is so that I can see the dates the weeks before and weeks after easily. So, other than the birthays and anniversaries I include (because they don't change), even month is a clean slate.

I have used this calendar in several different ways. One year I was pushing fitness - so I had small holographic stars I added each time I did anything physical beyond my normal routine. Another year I used it to keep up with my mood. That year I used sad, happy, and flat (straight lips instead of a smile or frown) emoticon stickers on each day.

Last year I was over all of the thinking that went into the simple task of checking off each day - but I still wanted it to be colorful so I used big holographic stickers in different shapes to make the passage of time (and be able to see "today" at a glance.)

However, several years are filled with 12 months of between 28 and 31 squares of how I'm grateful. 

I've done this general idea different ways through the years. I've kept the typical lists. These were more random... I'm grateful for my big, cosy desk chair; I'm grateful for my nice cameras; I'm thankful for my mom's support. Essentially these were ongoing and almost always involved people or things. 

In my husband's and my bathroom, we currently have a white board where we write what we're grateful for whenever we feel like it - sometimes every day and sometimes once a month. When it's full, we erase a space to put something new.

But there are a few years I've done it by utilizing my wall calendar. This is one of those years.

Every morning as one of my first tasks at my desk, I think back to the day before and find something I'm thankful for about that day. These range from big (like the day I first saw my published book) to almost insignificant (I had nothing scheduled and got to stay home all day).

Sometimes I have to really think about what to write. It's not that there was nothing to be grateful for... instead, sometimes not a lot happened the day before and it takes a minute to come up with something to add. Mostly it's that, due to the brain fog I have from some of my health conditions and meds, there are days it takes a while to even remember all that happened the day before. (Well, that's embarrassing to admit - but this blog is about sharing both the good and the bad.)

I didn't mean for that to be the perfect segue (pronounced segway), but it is.

Let's go to today. It's 6:38am. I got to my desk around 6:15am after not being able to sleep any later due to some pain I'm dealing with. (By the way, it's rough when laying down doesn't relieve your pain - your bed is supposed to be one of your most comfortable spaces!)

As I said before, one of the first things I complete after sitting down is to check off the day before by filling it with something I'm grateful for. 

Yesterday was one of those "nothing special" days. I didn't complete any great projects; I didn't have an amazing interaction with a friend; I didn't get booked for a shoot that could help pay the bills this month. It was a day of catching up on eamails, doing some chores, going to PT, etc.

Like I said, "nothing special."

Then I remembered that I worked out and swam at my local YMCA for the first times in months. Swimming is one of the hardest things to make myself do - but I'm always in a better mood when I get done. (I know that makes no sense, but such is the life of someone with mental health issues.)

I found my grateful aspect of that day.

As soon as I finished and put it back on the wall, I thought of another I could have added. I didn't really think about it at the time because it's not uplifting, not displaying a great moment that happened.

It relates to the pain I mentioned earlier. I have back issues along with other health conditions that can cause pain off and on (like fibromyalgia). In addition, I still have some issues from the car accident three months ago and my falling twice on concrete about a month ago. RLS (restless leg syndrome) and leg cramps complicate the aforementioned problems.

Last night everything hit. My back was killing me by the time I laid down. At first I couldn't fall asleep because of the pain. Meds weren't helping and I didn't know what to do. My husband reminded me we could try an ice pack (for some weird reason I always forget that option). I told him I'd try anything.

He got the extra, extra large cold pack that I use for my shoulder surgery and put it on my back. He also rubbed in some pain relief cream. It didn't take long for these to work and I quickly fell asleep.

Fairy tale ending, huh. 

Nope!

I slept about an hour and when I woke up, not only was my back pain worse, my wrist was hurting (car wreck), and my RLS was in full force. That was bad enough, but after moving into different positions all over our king-sized bed -just trying to get comfortable (my husband was on the couch - the one we moved from our den when our daughter moved in), I got a leg cramp.

Most of the time I don't get regular leg cramps - the ones in one calf that might hurt but don't cause major pain and they go away in a few minutes.

Mine are in any lower extremity muscle from the waist area down (some I didn't even know I have). They are excrutiatingly painful, have lasted up to an hour, and move from muscle to muscle. One will finally release only to have another nearby start cramping. Often it involves both legs at the same time.

Thankfully this was a "normal" leg cramp. It hurt pretty badly and lasted more than a few minutes, but it didn't spread or come right back after it finally released.

But by that point, I was done. I was so tired of hurting. I wouldn't have gone through with it, but I told my husband that I wanted to just take a whole bottle of ibuprofen so the pain would stop completely. I want to clarify that no one needs to set up some kind of intervention - I wouldn't have done it. But I honestly wanted to do anything it took to make the pain stop.

I finally decided on my "last resort" method - taking a bath. I won't go into all the reasons behind this, but taking a bath is difficult right now due to the injuries I've sustained the last few months, thus why I didn't try that first.

It worked. My pain eased and I was able to relax. I quickly fell asleep in the tub and probably slept between three and four hours... in the tub. I would wake up when the water started getting cold, turn on more hot water, and go back to sleep before I knew it. 

When I finally decided to get out, I was able to go to sleep in bed. I woke up early, hurting again, but I got enough sleep to make it today.

So... finally... my realization after writing my grateful thnig from yesterday...

Why do I only include the accomplishments, the amazing moments, the things that are easy to be grateful about?

Writing about my swim wasn't wrong. It was an amazing time and when I think of it, I'm still very grateful.

But, though I'm definitely not grateful for the pain, RLS and leg cramps I have to deal with many nights, there is so much to be grateful for within it.

Some examples:

- my amazing husband, who always drops what he's doing or wakes up to help

- the big tub that's made so well that it's comfortable enough to sleep in (and no, it's not so large that I could drown in it)

- my RLS meds, which don't always prevent them from happening, do help lessen them

- because I'm a freelancer, most days I can schedule down time or even a nap if I've had a night where I didn't sleep much; it means the pressure and stress over not getting enough sleep is much less than in a 9-5 job

- though they haven't figured out how to fix it yet, I have some great doctors who are helping me with the issues that keep me from sleeping

- etc, etc, etc

One reason I try to stay away from social media is because people uaually show their hightlight reels, not the outtakes, the mistakes, and the bloopers. I try my best in this blog to show who I really am, what I'm really thinking (even if it's not PC or something most people would never admit) and both my struggles and my victories.

If I believe so much in that, why don't I do it everyday - with my grateful calendar?

Moving forward, I'm going to challenge myself to do it more - include the good as well as the bad. I hope you will too.