Engagement, Surgery, and World Games - Oh, My! (Surgery and its Impact on The World Games)

So... the busy-ness hasn't stopped. I'm writing this much later than planned but I feel it's important to share.

Today is September 7, 2022 and I'm writing this while in the waiting room as my dad is having a stint put in his heart. It's 25 days until the wedding. As of this point, I'm surviving. However, this post is about my surgeries and how they impacted The World Games - as well as how my ongoing issues affected it.

First - my carpal tunnel surgery...

As I mentioned in the last post, it took a lot longer to heal than I thought it would. When I scheduled the surgery, I knew that I would still be weight restricted (lifting no more than 5 pounds). I got home that day and immediately looked up how much my cameras weigh. 

I wasn't surprised that my camera with the long lens is over the weight limit. It was about 5 lbs, 4 oz total weight. I thought about how I hold my camera and assumed, without testing it, that the bulk of the weight was on my right (dominant) hand.

Mistake! Even though I pick up my camera with my right hand, I rest it on my left hand when I shoot.

Okay... so now let's talk about my regular mental health issues and invisible illnesses/other health issues - and how they impacted The Games.

I hate crowds (part of my social anxiety disorder). In most instances, this wasn't a big deal because the photographers could be on the floor for most events... and there weren't many photographers attending.

However, it was different the times I had to ride the buses from the parking areas to the venues. Not only did I not want to be in the middle of the very full vehicles, but I had a lot of equipment to carry (with one hand) in addition. Between my size, my social anxiety, and my equipment, I almost panicked each time I started to get on and saw that it was full.

It just so happened that each time, I was able to sit in the front, either because of nice people moving for me or luck. But it didn't help the ongoing anxiety... because what if the next time it didn't work out that way?

Of course, neurotypical people would simply be thankful for the seat they got and wouldn't immediately be concerned for the next time. My brain doesn't work that way. 

Heat intolerance... It was hot. I mean, HOT! One time I had to walk a few blocks to get from the shuttle to the venue and after I got inside, I looked at my phone to see the temperature. The heat index was 110. 

It was one of those times that I literally had to take one step at a time to get to the venue. I made it, but my core temp had increased and so it took a while to cool down.

In addition, I walked into a completely crowded room - full of media and full of spectators. 

THAT was a difficult day, but I made it.

Another problem was that the media was told that there would be snacks and drinks in all of the media centers. Sometimes that was true... sometimes not. Because I was already carrying a lot of equipment and I wasn't 100% due to my recovery, I couldn't add snacks and drinks to my already-very-heavy load. 

Sometimes I would find something somewhere; other times I had to wait until I got back to my car and I could get to a fast-food place. Again, I always made it but there were times I would get weak or start to feel sick because of this issue.

The noise was one more difficulty. At times I can be very sensitive to loud noises. Some of the venues were really loud. However, I carry earplugs with me all the time for those events. Those earplugs saved me more than once during The Games.

Now... back to my recovery from the surgery. The first time I realized that I was holding my camera with my left hand, the anxiety started. Shooting The World Games is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for someone like me and I wasn't going to quit...

(Busy-to-the-point-of-going-crazy Tracy inserting that at his point in the post, my dad got out of surgery. Now it's five days later and I'm just now getting back to this. Sigh...)

...but I still had to deal with the anxiety about what I was doing. Would this negate the benefits of the surgery I had? Would I be able to get good shots if I had to worry about holding the weight of my camera in my right hand? Should I take more breaks from shooting, knowing that I wouldn't have another chance to do this big of an event?

What I decided to do was to compromise. I looked at my schedule of events and decided to try to get as many different events in - but only to shoot once at each event. It would have been nice to shoot the same event for qualifiers and finals and I know if I had done so, my images would have been better after "practicing" during the qualifier. 

But I also knew that it wasn't worth the long-term risk of hurting my wrist. 

I ended up with ten straight days of shooting (though one day was an assignment for the paper) and over 10,000 photos taken. I took that incredible number of photos even though I drastically held back from what I had originally planned to do! 

And I survived. 

Was it fun? Yes, most of the time, especially when I was shooting. Would I do it again? Maybe. Would I do it again right after carpal tunnel surgery? Not a chance.

Like so many things in life, it was hard but it was worth it. 

If you find yourself in the middle of something hard, remember...

- take care of yourself,

 - pace yourself,

- and it's not a failure to not accomplish all you wanted but instead focused on what you needed.

To see some of my favorites of those many images I took, go to https://novelphotos.instaproofs.com/gallery/#events/1900477. 

Engagement, Surgery, and World Games - Oh, My! (Wedding Planning and Jury Duty)

As part of the mental health issues I deal with, I can be a little (ahem!)... a lot obsessive. No, it's not true OCD but sometimes it feels like it. 

Wedding planning was one of those times for me. 

A combination of factors led to a crazy frenzy of wedding planning during the months of April, May, and June:

- Pure, unadulterated excitement... 

I've been wanting to get remarried ever since my divorce was finalized almost 20 years ago. During that time I didn't just run around looking for a husband, but I did pray about it - a LOT. 

When I met my fiance', I knew how great we were for each other, but he had never been married and wasn't sure if he wanted to ever get married. 

The prayers started again in earnest. One thing I learned from my divorce is that God doesn't make someone do something so I knew my fervent prayers wouldn't necessarily lead to an eventual marriage. But I hoped so. 

When it happened, I was more than excited. All I wanted to do every waking minute was work on wedding plans. Those early days of planning were a blast - and other than considering cost, the sky was the limit for fun and unusual ways to celebrate this commitment we were making.

- Upcoming schedule concerns...

At the time I got engaged, I was scheduled for jury duty and I had applied for credentials to shoot The World Games. I was hopeful that I would be excused from jury duty and I doubted I'd get the credentials so my wedding planning wouldn't be affected.

I knew that those two events could potentially take out entire weeks of potential planning time - not only for the events themselves but for the time it would take to catch up on work and recover. After all, with some of my physical and mental health issues I can't go full-steam like I could when I was younger (unless I'm manic, which needs its own recovery time).

- Upcoming surgery...

I was supposed to have carpal tunnel surgery on both of my hands this past spring. Insurance problems caused me to delay both surgeries. 

In late June, I had the procedure done on my left hand. I had not anticipated how difficult routine tasks would be, especially typing, while having one hand compromised. 

It took longer than expected to heal from that first surgery and in early August I had my other hand done. This one is healing faster, but because it's my dominant hand, it has actually impacted me more.

It's been over two weeks and I'm just now getting back to where I can even type without much pain. (More about the surgeries in an upcoming post.)

So, now I'm less than 6 weeks away from the wedding. For once, my obsession worked in my favor. Even though I sometimes felt embarrassed to work so hard on the wedding when, at the time, it was months away, there is no way I could have worked on it with these factors involved. 

My stress level would have been sky-high if I had to do wedding planning on top of something like The World Games or jury duty plus my regular work.

I have to smile when I think about it. This wedding is not going to be like any other and some of the qualities I have like hyper-focusing, attention to detail, and wanting to stand out worked in my favor to make our wedding, as I've mentioned in the invitations, "a wedding you'll never forget."

Engagement, Surgery, and World Games - Oh, My! (The Beginning)

It's been a hot minute since I've posted. I know that many say that if you are a writer, then you need to write no matter what else is going on in your life. 

Not to be mean or crass, but those who say that don't have the life I do (think about walking in someone else's shoes and all that jive). 

Mid-March started a roller coaster ride - one of those with top speeds and extreme drops and twists. 

Have you ever wanted something so much you cried over it, and prayed to receive it, and talked to your best friend about it, and then you couldn't talk to your best friend about it because she had heard it so much, and you saw signs everywhere that it was going to happen... but it still didn't. So you finally gave up. This is how this period of my life began.

In March, the boyfriend I've dated for almost five years (at that point) and who I seriously thought might never want to get married, casually asked during a meal out, "What's your ring size?"

I had a huge rush of mixed thoughts and emotions... Was he serious? What if I misunderstood? Was he simply wanting to buy me jewelry for my upcoming birthday or did it mean more? Should I be excited or hopeful or what? My final emotion was fear; my thought was that I needed to evade the question.

I changed the subject. 

A week or so later (I really SHOULD write down all these things), we were at another restaurant. Again, in the middle of eating, he casually asked, "What's your ring size?" 

I had chalked the earlier encounter up to meaning nothing during the time in between the two dates. This time I had a little more courage. I asked him something like, "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

He said he was. 

I can't even describe the emotions I felt - elation, joy, hope, fear, anxiety, and many more rolled into one. I think I asked again. It was like the room got quiet and I tried to process his actual question. I remember hearing Randy Travis' "Forever and Ever, Amen." I hadn't heard a word of the restaurant's music before that moment.

I choked out that I had a ring sizer at home and I'd let him know... then we both went back to eating.

That is, we went back to eating for maybe a minute before the real excitement hit. I quickly pulled out my phone and looked up the screenshots of possible engagement rings I had dreamed of receiving when we hadn't been dating long... and I still had hope that we would get married. 

It took a while to find them as it had been several years since I took off those rose-colored glasses. When I finally found the images, I showed them to him and quickly told him that these were like what I wanted. (I guess I thought he was going to run out the minute we parted to buy me one and I wanted to make sure I got my opinion in). 

He laughed and took note of what I wanted.

We went back to eating... for a few minutes this time.

I couldn't hold it in... I was really pretending to eat anyway.

Words exploded from my mouth... descriptive words about how I wanted this and not this in a ring and when was he planning to get this and that I wanted the ring before he officially asked me and who knows what else I included about this development. 

Then I finished with, "Actually, the more I think (and talk and talk) about it, I really don't know what I want, so how can you find it? Is it okay if I find it and let you buy it?"

He said that was fine. (I think he was secretly relieved not to have to try to read my picky mind about something so important.)

But back to speaking of roller coasters, I have got to get going with my day. I feel like I'm finally getting to that stretch of a coaster where it starts to slow down and I think I can catch up on how far behind I am with this blog. I'll pick this story up and hopefully can continue it in a day or two. 

Dealing with Jury Duty with Mental and Physical Issues

Jury duty. Back when I was in another career and was a single mom to boot, I always asked to be released from serving jury duty. It wasn't that I didn't want to serve... it was that it was difficult to find a sub for several days in a row and I had no one to take care of my daughter. It was never an issue to get out of it.

So when I found out I had jury duty as a freelancer, I was torn. Like I said, I had always wanted to serve. It seemed like it would be very interesting to see what goes on in an actual trial (as some of my past obsessive periods concentrated on law shows and books).

However, I knew that a week (or more if I got chosen for a big case) would be extremely rough on my income plus, on the slight chance I was sequestered, it would be difficult for my parents. 

The weeks before I was supposed to serve, I was extremely busy and let making the decision to try to get out of it slip away. Finally, with only a few days left before I had to be there for my first day, I realized it would be better on everyone to see if I could get out of it.

When I didn't receive a release from duty, I thought it was my procrastination that got me to that point. When I arrived, though, I found out that jury trials were still extremely backed up due to COVID-19. No one was released, no matter what the reason, as they needed every jury available.

So I resigned myself to going... only to hit one of the worst manic cycles I've ever experienced the weekend before I was to start on Monday. I got almost no sleep and as my mania usually involves anxiety and not euphoria, needless to say, I was not fit to make major decisions that could affect another's life for years.

I knew from my earlier research about the possibility of asking for a release that major mental or physical issues could cause you to be released so when a judge came in to hear excuses, I got in line.

This judge was extremely kind and told me that, yes, I was right, I wouldn't be fit for jury duty in my present state. He apologized profusely when he said that he couldn't release me, though. The judge in the case had to. He assured me it would happen but not until I got chosen for a trial.

So the wait began.

One article I read said that jury duty was a great thing for freelancers. You are able to work without the constant interruptions of a regular business day. I wanted to make the best of this situation, so I tried to have that attitude.

I had brought my laptop and lots of other work I could do. In theory, there wasn't a lot of difference between waiting to be called and working at home. But in practice, I found out it was very different.

Several factors made it difficult, including a less-than-ideal workspace. I had a vent blowing cold air straight on me. At the point I thought I couldn't stand being cold anymore, I walked around to find another spot with a desk only to find them either occupied or with the same issue.

I'm hot-natured but during this time I was absolutely freezing. I finally asked if I could run to my car and get a rainjacket I had in there for emergencies. Though it didn't provide warmth, it was a windbreaker and was able to deflect some of the air blowing on me.

Another was that I had to constantly listen for my name to be called. I brought earbuds so that I could review the recordings of interviews to find quotes for various articles I needed to finish. I couldn't use the earbuds because I had a big fear of missing my name being called and being embarrassed as they hunted me down.

However, by far the biggest issue was that I was manic... and at the same time exhausted. I know that typical mania means you can go without sleep for days and not be sleepy. My "hypomania" isn't like that. I need much less sleep than normal, but I get tired, sometimes really tired, the next day. 

I usually can't go to sleep when I'm that tired, but the few times I'm in that horrible state, I often take some time off of trying to get work done and I do other things where I'm moving around and focusing on an activity instead of working at my desk. These are times I do some of my best cleaning and organizing.

Obviously, there was nothing to clean or organize in the large jury holding room. I just had to sit and try to stay awake and keep from shivering, while also not being able to accomplish any work tasks.

I...

was...

MISERABLE!

Every second seemed like an hour. They couldn't call me soon enough, as the earlier judge had told me that I could leave after the judge on a case released me. Group after group was called until there were only about enough left for one final jury pool left in the room. Finally, those few people left were called... and I was one of them.

Even though it was almost the end of the business day at this point, I was just ready to get out of there and get to a courtroom. Because of where my desk was (I had been able to find somewhere warmer after so many had left), I was second in line to the courtroom.

Then we were told amazing news! There wasn't time to start the next step in the jury selection process, so we were going to get to go home early. I was especially excited because I had a car inspection that I needed to get done and that gave me time to do it that day. 

I held my backpack and waited as they gave final instructions on where to go the next day and which parking pass to choose depending on which parking deck you had parked in.

I heard these instructions... but then promptly forgot them. Between the lack of sleep, being so cold all day, the anxiety that I felt which didn't allow me to work to pass the time, and the overall stress of the day, I couldn't hold a thought in my head. 

When they dismissed us, I realized I didn't know which parking pass to pick up. I asked the one person in front of me and got the correct one. Then we walked out. The person in front of me headed down the stairs.

I was incredibly confused. I thought we were going to a courtroom - so why did he go down the stairs.

Then I did something that embarrassed me to no end when I realized what I had done... I asked which courtroom we were supposed to go to. I was told that we were dismissed for the day and that we would find out in the morning.

That was one of the lowest points I've ever had directly resulting from my mental illness. I am smart... technically in the gifted category of intelligence. I had a 4.0 GPA with my Master's and I was the top student in both my bachelor's and master's programs. I was a whiz at math in school and won several math tournaments. I pick up new knowledge quickly.

Yet, I couldn't hold simple instructions in my head for even five minutes that afternoon.

I somehow made it to my car before I lost it. I cried and cried. I was so scared that I was losing it completely and that this could be the beginning of some kind of psychotic break. 

I stayed there as car after car wound around the parking deck and left. Finally, I was calm enough and awake enough that I felt it was safe to drive.

The next day I ended up having to stay the entire day but once I told the judge about what was going on with me, I was dismissed and didn't have to come back.

What would I have done differently if I knew then what I know now?

I'm not sure. Though it wouldn't have mattered about being excused before the actual week of duty because no-one was excused, I possibly could have asked more questions when I tried to get out of it.

However, the more I think about it, I don't know what I could have asked. How would know to ask if it was freezing cold in there, or what happened if you were wearing earbuds and your name was called, or if you had bipolar disorder and arrived in a manic state? 

I guess the only takeaway from all this is that even though it was a no-good, very bad, horrible day (and I wish I could have gone to Australia), I made it through. I didn't have the feared psychotic break. I got a little more sleep that night and the next day I knew to get there early enough to find a place away from the dreaded vents. 

In other words, once again that darn serenity prayer came to the rescue. I tried to control those things that I could change but survive through the things I couldn't. 

And like so many other bad memories I have, one day this will fade away and all I'll keep from the experience is that knowledge that I did, in fact, make it... and can do so again if/when needed.

What If It All Goes Away?

Nothing has changed in the last 24 hours. I haven't had anyone insult my photography or writing, tell lies about my character, or leave my life. Actually, it's been a pretty good day.

No, the change has been in me. I've hit another low cycle. Being in a low cycle has made circumstances that normally would be neutral extremely negative. But I can't blame my low cycle for everything I'm feeling.

I have realized how arrogant I've been over what I've accomplished lately. Yes, I've worked hard. Yes, I've gotten experience through hours and hours of practice. Yes, I've analyzed my work to see how it could be better.

But none of that is how I've gotten to where I am now professionally. It's been God. Some might call it circumstances; some might call it luck; some fate... but I believe in a Higher Power and my Higher Power is God. 

You might be wondering why I titled a post about my arrogance "What If It All Goes Away?" It was one of those realizations that hit me in the head today. I've lost basically everything at different times in my life. Each time God has been with me and provided. 

But each time this life-shattering event has occurred has led to one thing - my pride being exposed. I have always felt I needed to be the best in whatever I did. Second place wasn't good enough. While that provides success in life, it's diametrically opposed to God's plan. 

The only way to really live out His will is to not be looking at my success - it will only be to look to Him. And if it does "all go away," I am finally starting to realize that it will be okay.

Apps that Help Me Make it Through the Day (Part 2)

I don't know your definition of "later," but my guess is that it's not over four months. Yet, that's how long it's been since I wrote the first part of this post. If you want to read about some of the other apps that help me each day, look for a post with the same title on November 10, 2021.

So... I'm finally getting back to sharing more about this idea. 

On a side note, if you want to read something really ironic, read my post from February 5, 2022. You'll see why almost immediately after checking it out.

Let's go back to the topic at hand (or at a magnetic stand, as that's where my phone is right now.)

GOOGLE CALENDAR...

Like Chrome, I found the wonders of Google Calendar years ago. There have been several times I've tried to switch to something newer and flashier, but I've always gone back to it.

The best part of this calendar for me is that I can divide schedules into who is affected by them. I'm a very visual person and I can also get overwhelmed easily. Putting my daughter's schedule and my schedule and reminders of when things like bills are due and other tasks is too much for me to be able to focus in the next activity, depending on how I'm doing at the moment. 

Let me give an example of how I use Google Calendar:

When my daughter was younger, there were activities she had that I didn't have to be with her (like Colorguard practice after school). So I made three different "calendars" to take care of this issue. One calendar was for activities I wasn't involved in; a second was for items that I did by myself, and another was for those times we were both included. This part of this system had several advantages.

Why did she need one by herself, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you. My daughter has a lot of health issues and goes to the doctor a good bit. I needed to know when she was free when scheduling an appointment. So when I'm scheduling an appointment, I show all of the three calendars I mentioned. However, if I really need to focus on what I'm doing for the next week, I show only my calendar. 

Bills were another calendar. When my anxiety was high, I didn't need to look at all of the upcoming bills, so I would hide that one during those times. 

I now have one for my boyfriend, for those activities he participates in without me - again, so I won't ever accidentally plan something for a time he's already busy. But like with my daughter, I can also hide his when I need to focus purely on my schedule.

The color-coding provided also helps. You can assign each calendar its own color. I would do little tricks to remember categories - like with the three calendar example, my color was blue, my daughter's was red (our favorite colors) and the one for us together was purple. Bills are a yucky green and work activities were a nicer shade but still green to symbolize getting paid for that time. You probably get the idea.

MONDAY.COM...

While Chrome and Google Calendar have been my friends for over a decade, Monday.com is a new kid on the block.

As a freelance writer and photographer (as well as an odd job person), there are many steps in order to complete each project. I have tried making up various spreadsheets, lists, calendars, and other methods to try to tame this beast. Finally, I got tired of it and decided to dedicate a day to looking for a work organizer app.

I tried many that day. I would find one I thought I liked, get the trial version, start loading my info, only to find out it wouldn't work for my situation. Then I happened upon Monday.com. 

Monday.com has a LOT of templates. I had to mess around with it for a bit before I found a template that I could personalize to meet my needs, but so far it's really fitting the bill.

The only way I can easily describe it is that it's like a spreadsheet that has incredible versatility on what is included in each column. There are drop-down menus, fill-in-the-blank, file holders, upcoming date, and status update options. Once you create a work item, the whole row can be moved into various categories; in my case, this means whether I need to do something soon on a project, or everything might be ready to go but I just have to wait, or it's finished but I want to keep the information in case I work with that client again.

I'm probably not explaining it well, but I highly recommend it. It's one that I'm willing to pay for if I have to - it's that important to me - but so far I've been able to do a LOT with the free version. Look it up if you need a program like that. I know it's worth it to at least check it out.

(And by the way, they have a wonderful app for your phone, so you can access where you are on a project on the go).

BANKING APPS (choose your bank)...

Even though banking apps are really common now, even for normies, there is a specific reason I love them... depositing checks. Keeping up with how much is in a certain account is important, but my social anxiety keeps me from getting out many days unless it's necessary. Being able to skip a trip to the bank helps me get back to the comfort of home that much faster.

Okay... this post included an additional three apps that I love. I have a lot more but I won't bore you with all of them. However, I will provide some insight on a few more that help me... later. (LOL!)

Gratitude and Stillness - The International Justice Mission (IJM) and the Problem of Human Trafficking

Yesterday I interviewed a man who works with the International Justice Mission (IJM) in order to write an article based on his work. 

I am always amazed by people who work on the front lines dealing with such horrible atrocities as human trafficking - and their stories.

This man had two which really affected me. 

He gave me the figure that there are 40 million held in some form of slavery today. 2022. That blows me away and seems completely overwhelming.

Sometimes it can also be hard to remember these victims are individuals who have been created in God’s image, not simply a number.

A young man named Godwin is one such individual. Like many others, his family was deceived into sending Godwin into what they thought was a safe environment - where he could get the education he craved and learn a trade.

He ended up being trafficked to Lake Volta to work in their fishing industry. Instead of fulfilling his dream of advanced schooling, he was in a nightmare of 12-14-hour days of hard labor. One of the slaves’ tasks was to dive and untangle nets. Many didn’t know how to swim… drowning was common.

However, Godwin was relentless and clever. He acquired a cell phone and got in touch with an aunt on the outside who was looking for him. She called the local police who connected with IJM. Together, they rescued Godwin.

“A part of what blows me away is that even in the moment of rescue, even as he’s finally experiencing this freedom and release that he didn’t imagine was possible before, he was already saying to the police and IJM folks there, ‘You’ve gotta go back. I know where more kids are. You’ve got to go back,’” the man I interviewed recalled.

After Godwin was safe, he told IJM where the others were. They were also rescued.

This account made me upset at what those boys faced (and others still do) but it gave me chills about how Godwin reacted after reaching safety. 

The other account was how those at IJM start their days. 

He told me that even though they've had great success in rescuing and protecting thousands, it can still be overwhelming with the huge number of those still in need of help. So, every day every IJM employee starts the day by spending time with God for 30 minutes... in stillness. Then they get together as a team, pray together, and remind each other that this is God's work.

I've thought a lot about these two aspects of life. 

I know that when I am in the throes of a pity-party, it's almost impossible to use the old adage, "It could be worse," to help me feel better. While in that state, as embarrassing and humbling as it is to admit, it's difficult (for me, at least) to look past those overwhelming feelings and realize that I can find much to be grateful for even while experiencing struggles. 

I can't help but wonder if that time of stillness with God would make a big difference. Personally, I'm not directly fighting human trafficking. But I do have my own fights, issues where I feel that God wants me to be a voice. 

Maybe even if I'm not part of a huge team fighting the incredibly huge problem of human trafficking, taking the time for stillness and prayer, and reminding myself that what I'm doing in my small way is God's work will help with that gratitude, which will help with every part of life.

And by the way, to help this movement, go to www.IJM.org and click “Get Involved.”