Wedding Rehearsal Day - and My Dad's in the Hospital

There's a gorgeous sunrise. The weather is supposed to be beautiful today. It's the day I've been planning for about 6 months. It's the last step before the day I've been waiting for since my divorce over 15 years ago.

It's the day of the wedding set-up and rehearsal.

Sooooo many hours have gone into planning the wedding - and this day. I've tried to think of everything possible for it to go smoothly. I've made list after list, arranged for out-of-town guests, asked people to help on parts of the wedding that I couldn't do (such as playing the music during the ceremony or baking for the reception... I'm not a baker!), made decorations, packed and re-packed everything needed... and in a few hours, we will start making all this happen.

In the past few weeks, I've already had some big hiccups/disappointments (note that I'm not listing everything that has happened - just the most important ones)...

- We had to get a new officiant.

- The sign language interpreter lost her husband just last week and it was touch and go whether she could do it or not.

- My daughter got violently ill the day we went to get our hair and nails done. 

- I hit an extreme low with my bipolar disorder and had a hard time staying safe one night.

- This one is a long story that I won't go into, but we had a major furniture issue that took a lot of time away from doing what needed to be done.

- My fiance' is having issues at work and I had some big disappointments with my freelance jobs.

- I found out I have a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder (at least the surgery can wait until after the wedding).

As I said, there are even more issues (less significant than those listed above but that add up to a big deal overall) that I've had to deal with while dealing with the stress of the wedding and moving my fiance' in with me - two major stressors for anyone, especially someone with several mental and physical health issues.

(That was a horribly worded sentence but it's the best I can do at the moment).

Anyway, after all this, I was hoping that the wedding weekend would mostly go off without a hitch.

I was wrong.

As you could read from the title, on top of all of this, and by far the most life-impacting, is that my dad is in the hospital.

He has multiple health issues and has been hospitalized several times in the past few years for pneumonia and other health problems.

But overall, he's been doing okay...

...until a couple of days ago. 

At first, he just wasn't feeling 100% (his 100%). Two days ago, he slept most of the day and didn't eat much. This wasn't that unusual and he wasn't complaining of other symptoms.

Yesterday, he seemed like he was doing better. He ate a little breakfast and went with my mom for her doctor's appointment. When he got home, he felt worse and slept the rest of the day.

Late afternoon, he started complaining of being cold. Mom checked his temperature and it was 101.7. It was just after his doctor's office closed, so we decided he needed to go to urgent care. As these are his usual symptoms of pneumonia, we hoped that he could get some antibiotics and with rest, he would be able to at least make the wedding if not the other activities I had planned.

Well, they couldn't find any reason for the infection that the blood tests showed at urgent care. They recommended that he go straight to the ER for more testing.

I met my brother at my and my parent's house since he was going to take them to the ER (so I could get back to doing final wedding prep). We couldn't get my dad out of the car so I took him to the ER and they planned to follow as soon as they got some of his things in case he was admitted.

My dad slumped to the side in the seat - he couldn't sit up straight. After a few minutes with me driving, he slumped over more so I put my arm out so he could lay his head on it. 

Even though it wasn't far to the local hospital, it seemed like forever. When I got there, I went in and asked for a wheelchair, knowing that he wouldn't be able to walk in. However, I couldn't get him out of the car. (It had been a struggle for me to get him out at urgent care but then he was doing a little better - his fever went up over a degree while we were there).

Thankfully, my fiance' came right then and between the two of us, we got him out of the car into the wheelchair.

My heart almost broke when he opened his eyes and asked, "Where's Tracy?" I knew we had done the right thing to get him there.

I got him checked in and we started waiting to be called. It wasn't long before my mom and brother showed up. They wouldn't let all of us stay so my fiance' and I left. 

He and I tried to focus on wedding stuff since there wasn't anything we could do for my dad at the moment anyway. It wasn't easy and after hearing that they were still waiting to get a room in the ER, I went to bed.

I woke up a few hours later, wide awake, wondering what was going on with dad. I texted them and he had been seen by the nurse but they still didn't have an available room.

Over the next couple of hours, I checked in occasionally while also trying to do last-minute wedding stuff. Finally, about 3:30 am, I got a text that the doctor had been in. They still didn't know what was causing the high white blood cell count and fever and were going to admit him.

I wanted to stay up until they got home but it was another hour before they got him in a room. I called my brother before going to bed and asked if they had any more information.

He told me that they had found a mass in his abdominal area near/on his pancreas. However, at this point we have no idea what that means. I'm trying not to speculate and anticipate the worst, but of course, that's what I'm doing.

Now the sun is up on the day I've been planning for about 6 months. After we found out he needed to go to the ER, my mom and I talked about what we should do if he was admitted. She said that I needed to go ahead with the wedding.

So, on this day that I've anticipated with so much joy, I'm full of mixed emotions. I'm excited that it's finally here. I'm sad that there's almost no chance my dad will make it to the wedding. I'm nervous because now I'll have less help to do this already overwhelming set-up and rehearsal. I'm disappointed that my mom probably won't be at my rehearsal, though I'm still hopeful she can make it to the wedding. I'm mad that all this has happened, especially the part about my dad.

And mostly, I'm scared. I'm scared that the diagnosis will be really serious, much more serious than I ever anticipated. I'm scared of how it will impact my wedding, my honeymoon, and my life. I'm scared of how it will affect my mom. 

I'm trying my best to not worry about what I don't know - and take it one step at a time. Like so much else in my life, I am also trying to remember that this qualifies under one of those things I can't control and like the Serenity Prayer says, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't control." I'm trying to accept this... but it's just *$%# hard.

Seven Days and Counting... Planning a Wedding with Mental Illness

In hindsight, I should have been writing about this journey all along. But also in hindsight, there's so much I wish I had done differently, not simply recording this time in my life.

It's September 25, 2022... seven days, ONLY ONE WEEK (yes, I meant to shout that) before my wedding - the wedding I started planning back in late March of this past year - about six months ago (... about 180 days ...about 24 weeks). 

*Keep in mind, that's planning the actual wedding. I had been planning my dream second wedding since I divorced about 20 years ago.*

When I started, it was all fun. I had a blast making my wedding unique. Basically, I took all of the parts of a wedding, researched the traditional way each is done, and then found an alternate way to accomplish the same thing.

There are all kinds of quirky aspects of my wedding - things I'm proud of coming up with:

- We couldn't find a wedding topper that represented us, so we found Lego photographers.

- Instead of a fancy, traditional wedding cake, we are building one with Little Debbie snack cakes.

- My fiance' absolutely loves baseball so we're making a special small Little Debbie cake to put on our table at the reception, complete with a Lego baseball player for our Lego selves to photograph and various Lego people (including superheroes) in the stands.

- I have a full-size suit of armor named Lance who was going to be a prominent part of the reception when it was going to be held at our house (more on that later), so the main wedding cake, the Little Debbie cake I mentioned earlier, is going to be in the shape of a castle... complete with a moat made with a mixture of sanding sugar and sprinkles... as well as a moat monster (Randall from Monsters, Inc).

- I don't like to wear dresses so I'm wearing a tunic with leggings... and an incredibly sparkly long veil and rhinestone-covered tennis shoes.

- My fiance' and I are becoming fluent in sign language so we are going to sign parts of the wedding. One of the decorations is a set of jointed wooden hands. We put gloves and wedding rings on them as well as watches handed down from our grandparents. We will be forming the fingers into  the hand shape that says, "I love you."

- Instead of a ringbearer, my daughter's fiance's emotional support animal will carry the rings up the aisle. When it's time to give them to the officiant, the plan is for her to say "Shake," and he'll hold up his paw with the rings tied on it for her to take.

- Sand ceremonies are becoming more traditional so that's not too unusual, but we are also including a blend of four colors to represent our parents, white sand to represent God, and additional colors for my daughter and her fiance'. The sand is going in a shadow-box frame and on our anniversaries, we are going to turn it one rotation - so that the sand gradually being blended shows how our lives are becoming more enmeshed.

- Our flower girl is going to push a cart that holds the sand ceremony materials... and on the cart will be a sign I made that says, "Though I'm undeniably adorable, wait until you see the Bride."

In addition, there are many other unique aspects to make this wedding ours, too many to list.

But though all the planning was fun at first, my and my loved ones' mental illnesses and physical issues have come into play over and over throughout the process. I'm thankful that I was able to figure out ways to overcome them.

1 - It's not directly related (pun intended), but my family has added a lot of stress, which makes my mental and physical issues worse. 

Originally, the wedding and reception were at my and my parents' home with only a few attending in person, due to financial issues but mostly because of my social anxiety disorder. (I don't like crowds.)

Then my family started taking over and telling us how to do our wedding. 

To combat that, we decided to move it to a neutral venue... one we could control easier. It didn't eliminate the stress my family continued to pile on concerning the wedding, but it helped.

2 - My daughter is not doing well right now - physically or mentally. I really wanted her to be much more involved than she can be. I understand what's going on with her but it's still disappointing.

Because I know that some days she does well and others, not so much, I have backup plans for all of her parts of the wedding, in case she's having a bad day. I also changed some things I originally wanted her to do to give her more time to rest in between all of the wedding activities.

3 - I have a similar issue to my daughter's... I also have good days and bad days physically and emotionally, though not as extreme or life-altering as hers.

Similar to the strategy to help her, this whole time I've been trying to get as much done upfront as possible, so I'm not having to go from sunup to sundown every day this last week. I'm still nervous that I'll overdo it so I'm making a conscious effort to try to rest some every day.

There is a lot more that I could share, but I honestly do still have a lot to do. If I think about anything else, I'll either add it to this post or will do another one after the honeymoon.

One last thing I need to say, though. At the top of my master to-do list, I wrote:

REMINDER FOR TRACY - and anyone else who might need to know: 
    IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG, JUST PICK UP AND KEEP GOING.
        PERFECTION AND FORMALITY ARE NOT THE GOALS…
            HAVING FUN AND SHARING LOVE ARE

As a perfectionist with a lot of OCD traits, this is very difficult to do. However, I know how important it is to remember. If I worry about perfection, there will be no way to be in the moment and enjoy what a great time this is.

Like we say in addiction support groups... It's "Progress Not Perfection."

Navigating a Professional Conference with Mental and Physical Issues

 Any time I leave home to go somewhere overnight, there are so many questions...

- What will it be like where I'm staying?

- Will I be on the first floor/is there an elevator?

- Will the bed be too firm for me to be able to sleep? Will it be too soft?

- What will the weather be like?

- Is the water filtered?

- What will the meals consist of? Will I have choices or have to eat whatever is provided?

- What kind of seating is provided? (Tiny seats like wedding chairs don't work for someone like me.)

- How will I get there?

If you've been a part of my blog for any time, you know that all of these issues aren't just because I'm a diva. Though not necessary, these legitimate questions and answers make a big difference in how well I do while I'm gone.

Earlier this spring I attended a conference for professional communicators in a city about five hours from my home. It was a big deal to get invited to go as a freelancer and I was excited about not only learning from some great speakers but also getting away for a few days.

However, there was a wrench in the plan. My dad went into the hospital the Wednesday before I had to leave on Monday. My mom had recently had surgery on her hand and was still very dependent on the help of others - mostly from my dad, actually. I had no idea what to do.

After talking to my mom and to my now-fiance, I decided to go but to drive myself in case I needed to come home early. 

Maybe it was the stress of making the decision, helping to take care of my mom, other work issues, a physical illness that made me more fatigued and nauseated than usual, or just the way my brain works, but I entered a bipolar low mood cycle (i.e. depression) right before I left home. 

When there was a lecture that was really exciting, I could push through to attend and even engage with what was going on.

But I quickly found out that the only way I could do that was if I took a lot of breaks.

I'm the kind of person who gets to a professional conference and wants to learn everything I can - not one who skips the workshops and heads to the local attractions or goes shopping at a nearby mall. So it was really difficult for me to miss any of the sessions... but I did.

Before all of the therapy and learning about my physical and mental issues - and realizing that it was okay to not be "on" every second of every day, I would have pushed it to attend 

every... 

single....... 

one................ 

of......................... 

the............................. 

professional........................ 

and............................................ 

fun.................................................. 

activities (WHEW! That was hard!)

But pushing myself to make the most of the time there would have been miserable. (It was bad enough even with the breaks I allowed myself to take.)

The first night we were there, I did okay through the few first-day sessions. But when it came time to eat supper, I knew all of my "spoons" were used up. (If you don't understand that reference, go to https://theswaddle.com/what-the-spoon-theory-means-for-people-living-with-chronic-illnesses-disabilities/#:~:text=The%20metaphor%20uses%20spoons%20to,to%20get%20through%20the%20day )

Again, before I learned it is as important to rest when I need it as it is to be productive, I would have pushed it and gone out to eat with my work buddies. I wanted to go since they are a fun group of people and we were planning to eat in the French Quarter of New Orleans, something I've never done before.

But instead, I made the difficult, though smart, decision to stay in my room and order Chinese take-out. 

And now, months later, though it would have been nice to have the energy to go with them, I have no doubt it was the right decision.

Another thing I did was walk out of a workshop that was good, but wasn't directly related to what I do. Keep in mind, my social anxiety makes it almost impossible to walk out. But I was trying to have discernment on which classes were the most impactful to what I do - and leaving one that I realized wasn't in that category gave me enough spoons to make it to those that were.

It's taken a while but I finally feel that I am starting to recognize my limits and put that information to good use. I might not be able to do as much as I could years ago - before the plethora of mental and physical illnesses started invading my life - but I can still do a lot.

I guess that old saying, "Work smarter, not harder," applies to not only work... it applies to the lives of those of us with these issues.

Take care of yourself. Take breaks. Do what you need to do and take breaks as needed so that you can, at least sometimes, have the energy to do what you want to do.

Engagement, Surgery, and World Games - Oh, My! (Surgery and its Impact on The World Games)

So... the busy-ness hasn't stopped. I'm writing this much later than planned but I feel it's important to share.

Today is September 7, 2022 and I'm writing this while in the waiting room as my dad is having a stint put in his heart. It's 25 days until the wedding. As of this point, I'm surviving. However, this post is about my surgeries and how they impacted The World Games - as well as how my ongoing issues affected it.

First - my carpal tunnel surgery...

As I mentioned in the last post, it took a lot longer to heal than I thought it would. When I scheduled the surgery, I knew that I would still be weight restricted (lifting no more than 5 pounds). I got home that day and immediately looked up how much my cameras weigh. 

I wasn't surprised that my camera with the long lens is over the weight limit. It was about 5 lbs, 4 oz total weight. I thought about how I hold my camera and assumed, without testing it, that the bulk of the weight was on my right (dominant) hand.

Mistake! Even though I pick up my camera with my right hand, I rest it on my left hand when I shoot.

Okay... so now let's talk about my regular mental health issues and invisible illnesses/other health issues - and how they impacted The Games.

I hate crowds (part of my social anxiety disorder). In most instances, this wasn't a big deal because the photographers could be on the floor for most events... and there weren't many photographers attending.

However, it was different the times I had to ride the buses from the parking areas to the venues. Not only did I not want to be in the middle of the very full vehicles, but I had a lot of equipment to carry (with one hand) in addition. Between my size, my social anxiety, and my equipment, I almost panicked each time I started to get on and saw that it was full.

It just so happened that each time, I was able to sit in the front, either because of nice people moving for me or luck. But it didn't help the ongoing anxiety... because what if the next time it didn't work out that way?

Of course, neurotypical people would simply be thankful for the seat they got and wouldn't immediately be concerned for the next time. My brain doesn't work that way. 

Heat intolerance... It was hot. I mean, HOT! One time I had to walk a few blocks to get from the shuttle to the venue and after I got inside, I looked at my phone to see the temperature. The heat index was 110. 

It was one of those times that I literally had to take one step at a time to get to the venue. I made it, but my core temp had increased and so it took a while to cool down.

In addition, I walked into a completely crowded room - full of media and full of spectators. 

THAT was a difficult day, but I made it.

Another problem was that the media was told that there would be snacks and drinks in all of the media centers. Sometimes that was true... sometimes not. Because I was already carrying a lot of equipment and I wasn't 100% due to my recovery, I couldn't add snacks and drinks to my already-very-heavy load. 

Sometimes I would find something somewhere; other times I had to wait until I got back to my car and I could get to a fast-food place. Again, I always made it but there were times I would get weak or start to feel sick because of this issue.

The noise was one more difficulty. At times I can be very sensitive to loud noises. Some of the venues were really loud. However, I carry earplugs with me all the time for those events. Those earplugs saved me more than once during The Games.

Now... back to my recovery from the surgery. The first time I realized that I was holding my camera with my left hand, the anxiety started. Shooting The World Games is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for someone like me and I wasn't going to quit...

(Busy-to-the-point-of-going-crazy Tracy inserting that at his point in the post, my dad got out of surgery. Now it's five days later and I'm just now getting back to this. Sigh...)

...but I still had to deal with the anxiety about what I was doing. Would this negate the benefits of the surgery I had? Would I be able to get good shots if I had to worry about holding the weight of my camera in my right hand? Should I take more breaks from shooting, knowing that I wouldn't have another chance to do this big of an event?

What I decided to do was to compromise. I looked at my schedule of events and decided to try to get as many different events in - but only to shoot once at each event. It would have been nice to shoot the same event for qualifiers and finals and I know if I had done so, my images would have been better after "practicing" during the qualifier. 

But I also knew that it wasn't worth the long-term risk of hurting my wrist. 

I ended up with ten straight days of shooting (though one day was an assignment for the paper) and over 10,000 photos taken. I took that incredible number of photos even though I drastically held back from what I had originally planned to do! 

And I survived. 

Was it fun? Yes, most of the time, especially when I was shooting. Would I do it again? Maybe. Would I do it again right after carpal tunnel surgery? Not a chance.

Like so many things in life, it was hard but it was worth it. 

If you find yourself in the middle of something hard, remember...

- take care of yourself,

 - pace yourself,

- and it's not a failure to not accomplish all you wanted but instead focused on what you needed.

To see some of my favorites of those many images I took, go to https://novelphotos.instaproofs.com/gallery/#events/1900477. 

Engagement, Surgery, and World Games - Oh, My! (Wedding Planning and Jury Duty)

As part of the mental health issues I deal with, I can be a little (ahem!)... a lot obsessive. No, it's not true OCD but sometimes it feels like it. 

Wedding planning was one of those times for me. 

A combination of factors led to a crazy frenzy of wedding planning during the months of April, May, and June:

- Pure, unadulterated excitement... 

I've been wanting to get remarried ever since my divorce was finalized almost 20 years ago. During that time I didn't just run around looking for a husband, but I did pray about it - a LOT. 

When I met my fiance', I knew how great we were for each other, but he had never been married and wasn't sure if he wanted to ever get married. 

The prayers started again in earnest. One thing I learned from my divorce is that God doesn't make someone do something so I knew my fervent prayers wouldn't necessarily lead to an eventual marriage. But I hoped so. 

When it happened, I was more than excited. All I wanted to do every waking minute was work on wedding plans. Those early days of planning were a blast - and other than considering cost, the sky was the limit for fun and unusual ways to celebrate this commitment we were making.

- Upcoming schedule concerns...

At the time I got engaged, I was scheduled for jury duty and I had applied for credentials to shoot The World Games. I was hopeful that I would be excused from jury duty and I doubted I'd get the credentials so my wedding planning wouldn't be affected.

I knew that those two events could potentially take out entire weeks of potential planning time - not only for the events themselves but for the time it would take to catch up on work and recover. After all, with some of my physical and mental health issues I can't go full-steam like I could when I was younger (unless I'm manic, which needs its own recovery time).

- Upcoming surgery...

I was supposed to have carpal tunnel surgery on both of my hands this past spring. Insurance problems caused me to delay both surgeries. 

In late June, I had the procedure done on my left hand. I had not anticipated how difficult routine tasks would be, especially typing, while having one hand compromised. 

It took longer than expected to heal from that first surgery and in early August I had my other hand done. This one is healing faster, but because it's my dominant hand, it has actually impacted me more.

It's been over two weeks and I'm just now getting back to where I can even type without much pain. (More about the surgeries in an upcoming post.)

So, now I'm less than 6 weeks away from the wedding. For once, my obsession worked in my favor. Even though I sometimes felt embarrassed to work so hard on the wedding when, at the time, it was months away, there is no way I could have worked on it with these factors involved. 

My stress level would have been sky-high if I had to do wedding planning on top of something like The World Games or jury duty plus my regular work.

I have to smile when I think about it. This wedding is not going to be like any other and some of the qualities I have like hyper-focusing, attention to detail, and wanting to stand out worked in my favor to make our wedding, as I've mentioned in the invitations, "a wedding you'll never forget."

Engagement, Surgery, and World Games - Oh, My! (The Beginning)

It's been a hot minute since I've posted. I know that many say that if you are a writer, then you need to write no matter what else is going on in your life. 

Not to be mean or crass, but those who say that don't have the life I do (think about walking in someone else's shoes and all that jive). 

Mid-March started a roller coaster ride - one of those with top speeds and extreme drops and twists. 

Have you ever wanted something so much you cried over it, and prayed to receive it, and talked to your best friend about it, and then you couldn't talk to your best friend about it because she had heard it so much, and you saw signs everywhere that it was going to happen... but it still didn't. So you finally gave up. This is how this period of my life began.

In March, the boyfriend I've dated for almost five years (at that point) and who I seriously thought might never want to get married, casually asked during a meal out, "What's your ring size?"

I had a huge rush of mixed thoughts and emotions... Was he serious? What if I misunderstood? Was he simply wanting to buy me jewelry for my upcoming birthday or did it mean more? Should I be excited or hopeful or what? My final emotion was fear; my thought was that I needed to evade the question.

I changed the subject. 

A week or so later (I really SHOULD write down all these things), we were at another restaurant. Again, in the middle of eating, he casually asked, "What's your ring size?" 

I had chalked the earlier encounter up to meaning nothing during the time in between the two dates. This time I had a little more courage. I asked him something like, "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

He said he was. 

I can't even describe the emotions I felt - elation, joy, hope, fear, anxiety, and many more rolled into one. I think I asked again. It was like the room got quiet and I tried to process his actual question. I remember hearing Randy Travis' "Forever and Ever, Amen." I hadn't heard a word of the restaurant's music before that moment.

I choked out that I had a ring sizer at home and I'd let him know... then we both went back to eating.

That is, we went back to eating for maybe a minute before the real excitement hit. I quickly pulled out my phone and looked up the screenshots of possible engagement rings I had dreamed of receiving when we hadn't been dating long... and I still had hope that we would get married. 

It took a while to find them as it had been several years since I took off those rose-colored glasses. When I finally found the images, I showed them to him and quickly told him that these were like what I wanted. (I guess I thought he was going to run out the minute we parted to buy me one and I wanted to make sure I got my opinion in). 

He laughed and took note of what I wanted.

We went back to eating... for a few minutes this time.

I couldn't hold it in... I was really pretending to eat anyway.

Words exploded from my mouth... descriptive words about how I wanted this and not this in a ring and when was he planning to get this and that I wanted the ring before he officially asked me and who knows what else I included about this development. 

Then I finished with, "Actually, the more I think (and talk and talk) about it, I really don't know what I want, so how can you find it? Is it okay if I find it and let you buy it?"

He said that was fine. (I think he was secretly relieved not to have to try to read my picky mind about something so important.)

But back to speaking of roller coasters, I have got to get going with my day. I feel like I'm finally getting to that stretch of a coaster where it starts to slow down and I think I can catch up on how far behind I am with this blog. I'll pick this story up and hopefully can continue it in a day or two. 

Dealing with Jury Duty with Mental and Physical Issues

Jury duty. Back when I was in another career and was a single mom to boot, I always asked to be released from serving jury duty. It wasn't that I didn't want to serve... it was that it was difficult to find a sub for several days in a row and I had no one to take care of my daughter. It was never an issue to get out of it.

So when I found out I had jury duty as a freelancer, I was torn. Like I said, I had always wanted to serve. It seemed like it would be very interesting to see what goes on in an actual trial (as some of my past obsessive periods concentrated on law shows and books).

However, I knew that a week (or more if I got chosen for a big case) would be extremely rough on my income plus, on the slight chance I was sequestered, it would be difficult for my parents. 

The weeks before I was supposed to serve, I was extremely busy and let making the decision to try to get out of it slip away. Finally, with only a few days left before I had to be there for my first day, I realized it would be better on everyone to see if I could get out of it.

When I didn't receive a release from duty, I thought it was my procrastination that got me to that point. When I arrived, though, I found out that jury trials were still extremely backed up due to COVID-19. No one was released, no matter what the reason, as they needed every jury available.

So I resigned myself to going... only to hit one of the worst manic cycles I've ever experienced the weekend before I was to start on Monday. I got almost no sleep and as my mania usually involves anxiety and not euphoria, needless to say, I was not fit to make major decisions that could affect another's life for years.

I knew from my earlier research about the possibility of asking for a release that major mental or physical issues could cause you to be released so when a judge came in to hear excuses, I got in line.

This judge was extremely kind and told me that, yes, I was right, I wouldn't be fit for jury duty in my present state. He apologized profusely when he said that he couldn't release me, though. The judge in the case had to. He assured me it would happen but not until I got chosen for a trial.

So the wait began.

One article I read said that jury duty was a great thing for freelancers. You are able to work without the constant interruptions of a regular business day. I wanted to make the best of this situation, so I tried to have that attitude.

I had brought my laptop and lots of other work I could do. In theory, there wasn't a lot of difference between waiting to be called and working at home. But in practice, I found out it was very different.

Several factors made it difficult, including a less-than-ideal workspace. I had a vent blowing cold air straight on me. At the point I thought I couldn't stand being cold anymore, I walked around to find another spot with a desk only to find them either occupied or with the same issue.

I'm hot-natured but during this time I was absolutely freezing. I finally asked if I could run to my car and get a rainjacket I had in there for emergencies. Though it didn't provide warmth, it was a windbreaker and was able to deflect some of the air blowing on me.

Another was that I had to constantly listen for my name to be called. I brought earbuds so that I could review the recordings of interviews to find quotes for various articles I needed to finish. I couldn't use the earbuds because I had a big fear of missing my name being called and being embarrassed as they hunted me down.

However, by far the biggest issue was that I was manic... and at the same time exhausted. I know that typical mania means you can go without sleep for days and not be sleepy. My "hypomania" isn't like that. I need much less sleep than normal, but I get tired, sometimes really tired, the next day. 

I usually can't go to sleep when I'm that tired, but the few times I'm in that horrible state, I often take some time off of trying to get work done and I do other things where I'm moving around and focusing on an activity instead of working at my desk. These are times I do some of my best cleaning and organizing.

Obviously, there was nothing to clean or organize in the large jury holding room. I just had to sit and try to stay awake and keep from shivering, while also not being able to accomplish any work tasks.

I...

was...

MISERABLE!

Every second seemed like an hour. They couldn't call me soon enough, as the earlier judge had told me that I could leave after the judge on a case released me. Group after group was called until there were only about enough left for one final jury pool left in the room. Finally, those few people left were called... and I was one of them.

Even though it was almost the end of the business day at this point, I was just ready to get out of there and get to a courtroom. Because of where my desk was (I had been able to find somewhere warmer after so many had left), I was second in line to the courtroom.

Then we were told amazing news! There wasn't time to start the next step in the jury selection process, so we were going to get to go home early. I was especially excited because I had a car inspection that I needed to get done and that gave me time to do it that day. 

I held my backpack and waited as they gave final instructions on where to go the next day and which parking pass to choose depending on which parking deck you had parked in.

I heard these instructions... but then promptly forgot them. Between the lack of sleep, being so cold all day, the anxiety that I felt which didn't allow me to work to pass the time, and the overall stress of the day, I couldn't hold a thought in my head. 

When they dismissed us, I realized I didn't know which parking pass to pick up. I asked the one person in front of me and got the correct one. Then we walked out. The person in front of me headed down the stairs.

I was incredibly confused. I thought we were going to a courtroom - so why did he go down the stairs.

Then I did something that embarrassed me to no end when I realized what I had done... I asked which courtroom we were supposed to go to. I was told that we were dismissed for the day and that we would find out in the morning.

That was one of the lowest points I've ever had directly resulting from my mental illness. I am smart... technically in the gifted category of intelligence. I had a 4.0 GPA with my Master's and I was the top student in both my bachelor's and master's programs. I was a whiz at math in school and won several math tournaments. I pick up new knowledge quickly.

Yet, I couldn't hold simple instructions in my head for even five minutes that afternoon.

I somehow made it to my car before I lost it. I cried and cried. I was so scared that I was losing it completely and that this could be the beginning of some kind of psychotic break. 

I stayed there as car after car wound around the parking deck and left. Finally, I was calm enough and awake enough that I felt it was safe to drive.

The next day I ended up having to stay the entire day but once I told the judge about what was going on with me, I was dismissed and didn't have to come back.

What would I have done differently if I knew then what I know now?

I'm not sure. Though it wouldn't have mattered about being excused before the actual week of duty because no-one was excused, I possibly could have asked more questions when I tried to get out of it.

However, the more I think about it, I don't know what I could have asked. How would know to ask if it was freezing cold in there, or what happened if you were wearing earbuds and your name was called, or if you had bipolar disorder and arrived in a manic state? 

I guess the only takeaway from all this is that even though it was a no-good, very bad, horrible day (and I wish I could have gone to Australia), I made it through. I didn't have the feared psychotic break. I got a little more sleep that night and the next day I knew to get there early enough to find a place away from the dreaded vents. 

In other words, once again that darn serenity prayer came to the rescue. I tried to control those things that I could change but survive through the things I couldn't. 

And like so many other bad memories I have, one day this will fade away and all I'll keep from the experience is that knowledge that I did, in fact, make it... and can do so again if/when needed.