My Floaters Story (Eye Floaters)

This is my story about eye floaters. It's one of those things that some would chalk up to circumstance... I feel it's God who led to me to a doctor who could fix something that was not only a big annoyance, but interfered with work and life.

I'm a photographer and a writer. My eyes are really important to me. Visual acuity is important to me. Not seeing things that aren't there is also important to me.

Rewind back to Christmas Eve 2022. I wasn't feeling well (it turns out I had the flu and was in the hotel room all day instead of hanging out with my husband's family) but I just thought I was tired at the time.

I started seeing flashes of light in my peripheral vision of my left eye. I sometimes have visual migraines, so I thought it had to do with that, even though this wasn't what typically happens to me with a migraine.

I took some ibuprofen and tried to rest - and not worry. After a while, when my anxiety started ramping up about what was going on, I did some online research (after all, it was Christmas Eve… no doctors) to make sure it wasn't something I needed to deal with immediately.

Thankfully, it wasn't. 

Then I noticed the floaters. I didn't think too much about them at first. I've had floaters before. Never this many or this big, but it's not a new thing.

I really thought they would go away... that they would be reabsorbed (do they do that?) or my brain would learn to ignore them. More research found that usually in six months they would either go away or be bearable to deal with. 

My online searches also revealed a few over-the-counter therapies I could try with no risk. When there was no change after a couple of months, I chose a supplement - L-Theanine - to try. 

It didn't help. I was already taking some other OTC supplements for my eye health since my cataract surgery so I stopped there.

After six months, I went to my eye doctor and asked if there was anything that could be done. He said that eventually my brain should adjust. He may have mentioned laser therapy but if he did, he also discouraged me from going that route. I simply remember leaving the office dejected, with no hope.

Because living with it was the only option I seemed to have, I did so. It got in the way of making my living as a photographer, but what could I do? I had to keep going. Besides, with only one eye affected, I kept in mind that it could have been worse.

Fast-forward to January 2024… It got worse. 

The same thing happened in my right eye. At least this time it wasn't accompanied with the fear of the earlier instance. I knew the signs that indicated if I needed to go to the doctor/ER and I wasn't "seeing" any of them.

More floaters followed. It became harder and harder to ignore them at this point. It affected editing photos and writing more than anything because when I work, I stare at two extra-large monitors. The floaters are worse when you dart your eyes from side to side, which I do constantly when I'm on the computer.

However, though work was affected the most overall, what is really unnerving is the peripheral vision issues. So many times, I would think someone had come up beside me, only to find it was a floater. When driving, I had to be extra careful to make sure the lane was clear (thankfully, I have lane assist with my car!) because a floater could look like a vehicle coming up.

This issue is the biggest problem when I'm doing a photography shoot. I use my peripheral vision a lot while my face is plastered against the viewfinder. Not knowing whether something is real or not in your outer vision gets to you after a while - and makes concentrating on taking photos harder than usual.

Speaking of "getting to you," there's one more reason that I am having a hard time with these little black specks - my mental health. I don't have a diagnosis of OCD, but I definitely have some obsessions and compulsions. These and my other mental health issues make it really difficult to ignore the floaters and they can increase my anxiety (which is regularly high already). 

Then, on a fluke, my mom had an optical issue where she needed a retinal specialist. I had no idea this kind of doctor existed! I took her to the specialist and realized that they might be able to help me.

Asking the tech, she told me that not only did they deal with floaters, the doctor we were seeing had a special interest in them. She added that he had developed a website - www.floaterstories.com - that explains what's going on, its history, the impact of floaters on everyday life, and, obviously, stories from those who have experienced them.

I now knew I had at least a chance of getting rid of them. So I made an appointment.

During the appointment, after several tests to measure my acuity and the number of floaters I have, I waited nervously for the verdict.

He told me what I had feared - that he had seen much worse. However, he went on to say that a condition like this doesn't have a clinical guideline to show definitively whether or not a person should have surgery. It depends on the person and how much the floaters negatively impact his/her life. 

So, I was the one who got to choose. (HUGE sigh of relief!)

Needless to say (but I'm saying it anyway), I'm choosing surgery. There is a risk with any surgery, but I feel that the possibility of being free of these annoying distractions will be worth it.

Fast forward to the surgery on my left eye.

Because I have generalized anxiety disorder, I was nervous going into the surgery, but I was sure of Dr Morris' experience and I knew he would do everything possible to make it successful. 

Of course, there's always a risk so I couldn't be certain it would be okay. However, there's risk walking up and down stairs, traveling to a doctor's appointment, or even eating a thick, perfectly cooked steak. Everything in life has risk.

I had no doubt that in this case, the reward definitely outweighed the risk.

It only took about 24 hours after the surgery to know I was right.

First, the pre-operative instructions were thorough and even though I usually question everything, I didn't have any questions. The directions to the surgical center were complete. I had all of the information I needed to have the procedure without an issue.

Then, Callahan Eye Hospital was amazing - from check-in to recovery. I joked with the nurses who took care of me that I wanted all of my future surgeries there, even if they had nothing to do with my eyes.

Part of it could have been because I was one of the first patients that day, but they got me ready quickly. I was able to have my husband with me while I waited and they even gave me something for anxiety when it got close to time to take me back. 

The surgery didn't take long before I was in recovery. Just like recovery from any procedure that involves anesthesia, I was groggy. I got the typical crackers and soda and then my husband came back to help me get dressed.

Because I woke up with a shield taped over my eye, I didn't know if it "worked." I was told that it could feel a little gritty, like I had something in my eye. When this was the case with me, already knowing it was a possibility assured me that it wasn't a problem.

After I got home, I rested a lot, but honestly, I felt fine. Surgery is always a nice excuse to have someone else take care of you, so I didn't push it (which is what the doctors always recommend anyway). 

The next morning, I had my follow-up appointment and finally got to take off the shield. It worked! My vision in that eye was completely clear - and I didn't even have the slight blurriness that I had been told is a small possibility until your vision settles.

The recovery period involved wearing a shield at night the first week (which was annoying to deal with but not difficult), two different eye drops on a varying schedule (thank goodness for phone alarms), and having a few restrictions like a weight-bearing limit and no heavy chores (oh, darn!)

But all of this was extremely worth it. I don't regret doing this for even a minute. There were only slight inconveniences I had to deal with - and, once again, I emphatically state that the risk was worth the reward.

I immediately knew I wanted to get the right eye fixed so I talked to Dr Morris about it. He wanted me to give it some time and make sure I wanted to risk the surgery again. I knew what I wanted, but waited like he said to do (not like I had a lot of choice – lol).

When I compared eyes, though the left had been worse than the right, with more abundant and darker floaters, the floaters in my right eye were still hampering work and my life in general.

Maybe it's because after the first surgery I was constantly comparing the eye with floaters to an eye with no issues. 

Maybe it's because the floaters seemed to be wispy and larger - not quite as noticeable but more in the way of getting clear vision.

Maybe it's because I use my left eye to see things clearly far away and my right eye for close-up vision (it may sound weird, but your brain adjusts to it). My theory is that my brain has a harder time going back and forth between near and far vision and compensating for it with the floaters in only one eye - but I could be wrong with that.

No matter the reason, it's interesting (and kind of strange) when I again realized it's much more annoying to have floaters in one eye than when I had floaters in both.

Remember that I'm a professional photographer and writer. I need clear vision, especially for editing photos. Before, with floaters in both eyes, the movement of the floaters darting in and out of my vision was annoying.

Now, with my close-up eye having these blur-inducing floaters, it's more than an annoyance. I literally can't see clearly a lot of the time when working. I've found that if I hold my head still and don't move my eyes around, I can see clearly (like when being asked to read an eye chart). 

But in real life, I'm constantly looking around. The floaters' appearances make work and simply living everyday life much more difficult than it needs to be. 

I've been through it before. I knew the risks – but I also knew the rewards. I was very blessed that the rewards outweighed the risks in my first floaters removal surgery.

I was more than willing to risk it again for the second. 

Clear vision is important to everyone but for me, it not only affects my life, but it also really affects my job. I wanted to do whatever it took to get back to where I could see the way I could before all this happened.

So, during a follow-up visit about my left eye, I once again asked Dr Morris about the right eye. We discussed it some and he asked me to make an appointment to look more into what was going on in that eye.

I went into the appointment with the same anxiety I had the first time at this point in the process. Would he think it was bad enough to risk surgery once again? Would I have to learn to live with it?

A small complication came up around this time. The day before my second follow-up for my left eye, I had a floater reappear. It was very different than what I had before. It was always a tiny and circular, sometimes looking like a bullseye target, sometimes two circles, sometimes a black dot. All the ones before were long and skinny or wispy like lace.

However, it wasn’t always there. 

When I talked to Dr Morris about it (from what I remember), he told me that it was because, due to the delicate nature of the surgery, they had to err on the side of caution and sometimes weren’t able to completely clear up the issue. 

Even with my left eye not being completely floater free, I knew I was still very willing to get the surgery done on my right eye.

As I suspected, my amazing experience at Callahan Eye Hospital wasn’t quite as amazing as the first time, as I wasn’t the first patient there this time. It was still great but I did have to wait a little longer than the first time.

The healing was also different. The first time I felt the gritty feeling they mentioned in my left eye. With my right, it didn’t feel gritty; it felt sore. But after a few days it was back to normal.

I had to do the drops like before, which wasn’t fun to try to remember, but wasn’t difficult. I also had the same weight and activity restrictions as before to deal with.

But I didn’t care one bit about these inconveniences because my second surgery was even more successful than the first. Not one even teeny tiny floater has shown up – and as of this writing, it’s over a month since the surgery and not one issue has come up.

The little dot/circle/bullseye in my left eye comes and goes. It goes much more than it comes and it’s not bad to deal with. I have hope that eventually it will settle out of my central vision and/or my brain will eventually block it out. 

But even if it doesn’t get better, I wouldn’t change a thing. Sometimes I look around and I’m just so thankful that I was able to find Dr Morris and have these surgeries. They have made my life so much better… there aren’t enough words to express my gratitude.

Trying Something New (AKA Attempting Something Very Old Again)

 Tonight I did something that I haven't done in YEARS - playing a keyboard. Back in the day (when I walked 5 miles in the snow to and from school - uphill both ways) I was pretty good at keyboard. I took piano for about seven years as a child but never really played after my last lesson.

But I was good at complimenting the instuments in the worship teams I played with. I played filler strings, low bass, etc. I also played rhythm acoustic guitar or sometimes filler there too. Kind of like the keyboard, I had my niche and I didn't sway from it. I didn't play an electric guitar; I didn't play lead. 

I wasn't great at it, but I was pretty darn good at those things. Playing with worship teams was part of my identity. In fact, the email address I concocted with the help of a friend was based on my love of guitar: harpofworship. It was based on the fact that a harp is just a more elaborate stringed instrument than a guitar.

Years passed... The churches I went to either died or moved locations far from me. I got cynical when church after church added to my hurt. Becoming a part of a worship team became a part of my past. I gave my beloved white thin-bodied Alverez Yairi and my keyboard to my daughter and put my even more beloved amazing-sounding full-bodied Takamini in its case and set it aside.

When I met my husband and found out he had also been a part of worship teams in his past, it became a dream/goal to hopefully play together on a team. But over the years we have been together, different attempts have failed for various reasons (adding to the earlier mentioned hurt, by the way). 

But a little more than a month ago, we started going to a new church. The band was the style both of us had played with before. Best of all, they didn't have anyone playing percussion and my husband, a drummer who really liked to play percussion, was able to fill a need.

We talked to the worship leader about it and were a little bit surprised when he said this was a possibility. My husband told him he played percussion and I told him I played keyboard and guitar. I was nervous about saying that, since it had been so long, but I thought it would come back. Other times in my life I had put the instruments down and was able to pick them up and play like I hadn't stopped.

The worship leader told us that we could start practicing with the team and maybe in a few months, we might start playing. It was amazing when, to our surprise, after only practicing two weeks, he was asked to start playing during the service.

Meanwhile, I had shared with the worship leader what my real passion was - to sign during worship. All of my years of learning sign off and on had finally come together and signing worship songs is something I feel I might can be successful at.

I was shocked when the worship leader asked me what my passion was to do with the team. He used the word "passion." Just a few days before I had been telling that signing during worship was something I was passionate about. So I was incredibly, incredibly excited when I felt free to share that passion with him.

He didn't seem very enthusiastic at first but as I explained what I was thinking, he seemed to think it could be a good thing. He told me that he needed to talk to the pastor.

So the wait began...

The pastor was out of town the next week for his wedding anniversary. I was really encouraged by something a worship team member told me about signing. Then he was really busy with family obligations when he got home. I was resigned to wait.

This morning my wait was partially over. I texted the worship leader about something else and he mentioned that they had talked. By this point, I was really expecting a "yes." (You know what they say about expectations!)

It wasn't a yes. It wasn't a no. I was a "the jury is still out."

I cried. Yes, I know it wasn't a no, and honestly, a no at the moment doesn't mean a no forever. For one thing, it means that my waiting isn't over (and I hate waiting!)

But the biggest issue is that it may mean that once again my dreams about once again being part of a worship team might not happen.

So while I was crying, I tried to not catastrophize/spiral into that pit. I reminded myself that maybe if the signing thing didn't work out, maybe that would give me a chance to play keyboard and/or guitar again.

Well, I got to the church early tonight so I could practice before the main practice. I felt like a dinosaur. The keyboard is a lot more high-tech than I expected and even though I didn't dare mess with any settings, it was a little intimidating. 

Then I just couldn't seem to figure out what to play. About halfway through the time I had pre-practice, I realized what was wrong - the entire time I played, I used paper chords charts. I wrote like crazy over those things with notes about what I worked out.

I was using my phone for both the chord chart and for the music, which meant that any time I needed to go back to a certain part to practice it over and over, I had to close one screen and open another. I couldn't write on it. I was straining to even see the little print.

It was all I could do to not lose it completely and run crying out of the sanctuary. 

I'm trying to be optimistic about the whole thing - similar to what I said earlier, just because I couldn't get it tonight doesn't mean I never will. Just because when I picked up my guitar I realized I'm too overweight to play it doesn't mean that I'll never be able to (after all, I am losing weight now). Just because "the jury is still out" right now doesn't mean the jury might not come in with a favorable verdict. 

But right now it hurts. I want to just give up. On top of it, I'm watching my husband play with the team. I'm so happy for him - and so jealous, I almost can't stand it. I'm listening to songs about how good God is. At the moment, I know in my heart that He's good but I don't feel like He is. 

To top it off, I can't seem to sign. I keep getting "hand-tied" (a made-up word I use for the signed version of tongue-tied). I feel like I can't get anything right tonight. I just want to go home and cry myself to sleep - and hope that tomorrow is better, either in being able to do this after all or having a better attitude about it. 

No Longer Afraid... A Follow-up

As always, I can't ever believe it when I once again get back to this blog, months have passed. I need to get past the need to apologize, but it's a compulsion. 

So, I'm sorry it's been so long. And, like I always say, I'll try harder to post more consistently.

(But both you know and I know that this won't happen.😏)

If you aren't a regular reader of this blog, go back and look up my "No Longer Afraid" posts. There are four parts: part 1, part 2, part 3a and part 3b. You'll need that background to understand what I'm writing here.

Okay... so it's been over a year since I wrote those posts, sharing what happened in the hardest time of my life and admitting/confessing what I did to cause it all. 

I finished the first post of that series with these words: "I'm finally free." I'm still free, but I'm still human. The anxiety/fear still rears its ugly head on a regular basis. There are a lot of issues where I still have walls up. 

But... God... 

Even with all of my failings, mess-ups, and frankly, crap, He hasn't given up on me (even those times I've almost completely given up on myself.)

There are some subjects that I've wanted to write about but haven't. So I'm going to sum up some really amazing stuff that God did in me to get me here. It shouldn't be summed up - there are a lot of really cool details - but I need to get to what happened today, so I'll sum up anyway.

- At K-Love this year, God did a work on my heart. After years and years of having a massive wall and being completely against going to church, I left the weekend wanting to find a church and attending.

- So, I wanted to find a church. But how does one do that outside of recommendations of family or friends? That was a dead end. I use the mighty Google for any other search, so of course I thought about doing a web search. But churches are so personal and websites are so sterile... how would I find one that way?

- I thought I might as well try. What would it hurt? I don't even remember the search parameters I put in, but whatever I used brought up just under a million options. (It's the South, remember?) 

(I just realized that this is NOT summing up.)

- Anyway, I clicked on a website or two then saw one that intrigued me: A2 Church. I looked at their website, and it wasn't that different than others, but something drew me to it. (Yes, yes, I know it was God.) I was even more intrigued and told my husband about it. 

- We skimmed through a video of a recent service and I started getting excited about this possibility. 

- But what's really just short of a miracle is that, when the next Sunday came, even after a really busy weekend where typically I would have easily made an excuse to stay in bed... me, a huge social anxiety sufferer... me, someone who usually avoids the church like the plaque... me a very tired, old, physically and emotionally exhausted human... woke up excited to attend the 9:30 (yes, I said, 9:30!) service.

Fast forward a few weeks to this past Sunday.

For reasons I simply don't have time to go into now (I'm already way past summarizing), for approximately the last twenty years, I have avoided holding babies like the plague. In addition, I've also avoided children because of "the incident." (See the first "No Longer Afraid" post). 

Even though I have led the children's ministry in a couple of churches in younger days, I've kept that information a tight-lipped secret from anyone in the few churches I've attended the past couple of decades - and became even tighter-lipped after "the incident."

Something happened this past Sunday. I saw a tiny baby in the aisle across from where I was sitting - and I actually wanted to hold that adorable infant. I had the thought, "Maybe I should volunteer for the nursery."

But my past was hanging over my head. What if they did a background check and found out what happened? It's not like I hurt anyone, but I lost my teaching license anyway. I was still terrified that I would be found out. It wasn't worth it.

Sometime during the "year of hell" (again, see earlier post), my best friend - who was also a teacher -  told me that she found out that there was a way to get my license back. Because undiagnosed mental health issues were at least some of the precipitating factors of "the incident," I could appeal to the administration using recommendations from mental health professionals I was seeing.

Ironically, for the first time ever, after seeing therapists for decades, my therapist just last week dismissed me. She said I'm doing amazingly well and that I don't need that intensive therapy any more. 

Go back to the Sunday service and seeing the baby. I immediately decided to research what it would really take to get my license back so that this fear would be gone forever. I had a burning desire to do it right then. I couldn't have put down my phone if it was on fire.

I found out what I needed to know - and realized it could still be a fight. I simply don't have the mental and physical capacity or the time and resources to dedicate to this venture right now. I don't want to teach again so it's really a matter of pride more than anything. 

I then decided to give up. I realized it didn't matter. It's not a big deal.

It was at that point that I finally tuned into the message...

... only to have my new pastor look my way and say, "You don't have to hide anymore."

Oh... my... gosh!!! What? Did he really just say that? 

I started bawling and as soon as the service was over, I rushed to talk to him. I was still somewhat blubbering so there was no way I could tell him what happened. I asked if there was a time this week we could meet.

About 3ish hours ago, I shared all this with him. And he didn't judge me! 

It never ceases to amaze me about what God has done - and what He is still doing every day - even to someone as messed up as me.