What if Churches Were More Like Support Groups?
For probably a decade, I was a "none" - a person who was still a Christian but had given up on church. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of the hypocracy. I was especially tired of being "welcomed, but not accepted."
Though I felt in my heart that there were churches out there who were different, I couldn't find one and didn't have the drive to try.
Then I discovered I am an addict. When I found a support group for my addiction and began attending, I noticed something very enlightening.
I was fully accepted - even though I had messed up royally in my life, even though I am an addict, even though I am very, very far from having it all together.
I had found my people.
The best thing about it is that the majority in my group are Christians, or at least seem to be. Their Higher Power is God, as is mine. Though we don't talk about the Bible, we often talk about principles that are faith-based.
This group of messed up, broken addicts became my church.
I have learned so much about God through them. We quote the Serenity Prayer each week at the end of the meeting and add, "May Your will be done in our lives. Amen." The necessity and power of surrender is a recurring theme, as is making amends (asking for forgiveness.)
In other words, we talk about many of the main themes of the Bible, though not the salvation of Christ. Of course, Jesus and what He did is the most important aspect of Christianity, but my personal feeling is that church is more for the saved, so they can go out and share about Christ.
To that end, group was that encouragement for me for years - helping the members apply the principles of Christianity so that we are in the right mindset to serve others, even non-Christians.
About six months ago, I actually found a church that is what I had hoped for - one that not only welcomes but accepts everyone. But group is still where I know I can be completely transparent, without fear of judgment or being looked down upon.
I still sometimes wish all churches were a little more like group. Here are some of the ways...
- In group, we don't have a dedicated leader. Anyone can participate in the readings, even if it's someone's first time. Anyone can share. There are what we call "old-timers" who have had sobriety the longest. They might help behind the scenes more than the newbies, but when it comes to group time, everyone is equal.
- We share honestly and authentically, often about things that literally no-one else knows about. Before I shared about losing my teaching license in group, I had only told maybe five of my closest and most trusted friends about it. Other than my parents and daugher, no one in my family even knew.
But because others had shared the horrible things that had happened because of what they had done, I knew I was safe to share it with them. They understood - and no one judged me.
- Everyone has a chance to share. Unless it's a special program or dedicated night, like the 5th week, there's never a speaker. Even when there is, it's almost always someone who is simply sharing his/her experience, strength and hope. It's not someone telling the rest what to do. There's a great deal of autonomy and working with others, usually one-on-one - called a sponsor/sponse relationship - who have been there.
- It's common for members to reach out to others during the week - for accountability, help, advice, and to help them keep from "acting out," as its called in our addiction. That kind of thing doesn't happen in church, at least in my experience.
In church, you make friends who might help you follow the teachings of Christ or give advice on what to do when you mess up. But if your friends are busy, you are stuck. With group, we can just go to the next person in on the contact list because if your name is on the list, you are willing to take a call anytime.
- Everyone has heard of the "Twelve Steps." Those are the steps that many addicts take to get sober. But what's not often talked about is that the steps are much more than a way to sobriety. It's a way to God, if God is your Higher Power. It's a methodical approach to learn how to surrender, to forgive, and to serve.
I'll add the steps to the end of this post for those who have never seen them. One thing we make sure that new members of group know about the steps is that each one is as important as the rest - and that there's a reason they're in the order they are. Each is a foundation for the next one.
- Many support groups use a token system. They are to mark days, months, and years of sobriety. Unlike the above points, I don't advocate that churches give out tokens for years of being a Christian or for the months that someone has served.
But I do like the emphasis on focusing on the work you do within yourself instead of external factors such as the number of members or the amount given to missions. A church with more resources is going to attract more people, increasing the membership. Churches in a higher socioeconomic area are always going to have more money for missions.
This emphasis increases pressure on the little churches who might not have much that they should do more, instead of focusing on growing the Christ-followers who are there. Focusing on numbers instead of what's going on in hearts is toxic to the church as a whole, in my humble opinion.
To sum up, I love my current church but I would have never been open to coming here if it hadn't been for my support group. They showed me that unconditional acceptance is possible and that even a bunch of addicts can learn how to rely on a Higher Power - who in my case and many others, is God.
Finally, as promised, here are the Twelve Steps. I'm including those from AA, as that's where they started and are the most well-known. Keep in mind that other addictions use these but adapt them to their specific needs.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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