I Don't Understand What God is Doing (or Isn't)

I wish so much I wasn't affected by my circumstances. There are some who seem rock hard in their faith. Of course, there's a chance they aren't either - they are either good actors or who haven't had a lot happen to them in life. 

Anyway, I wanted to write this post a few days ago, but I never had a moment to sit down and write. I'm glad I didn't because there's been a twist that I didn't see coming (after I also didn't see its origin coming... lots of blindsides lately it feels like.)

My adult daughter just moved back in with my mom, my husband and me. I won't lie... it's been a really rough transition. There's no extra space to put anything. I already felt my space was full - now it's overly full. 

Plus my daughter's cats live in her room and a "catio" (a small enclosure with a top on it so they can go outside safely.) At night she lets them out to play in the area that includes my study/office. I now have to somewhat babyproof that room for those times so I don't come in to a pile of papers on the floor or a book knocked off the shelf. So far nothing has broken, at least, but it makes it even harder to find places to put things.

The cats are also incredibly sweet and loving - which means they cry for me if they hear me working during the day and they want to be held if I wake up in the middle of the night and want to work for a while to get sleepy again. 

There are a lot of adjustments I'm having to make - and it takes me a while to get used to new routines.

But that's not why I'm writing this post though it is a factor in why I'm so discouraged at the moment, which is why I mentioned it.

My daughter has been dealing for several years with various mental and physical, as well as relationship issues, for the past few years. A few months ago she moved in here (like I mentioned earlier). She's been doing a lot better here and is finally able to start working - probably part-time at first but hopefully it will work into full-time so she can get out on her own.

Earlier this week she found what she feels was the perfect job for her. The interview went so well that they offered her a job on the spot. It was really good money, great potential for advancement, and they would accommodate the physical and mental issues she still deals with in the meantime. 

This is something I've been praying for - and asking friends to pray for - for years now. We both were excited when that prayer was answered.

But here's the first twist... it's at a new establishment - a drag queen lounge. 

The really sad thing in my eyes is that she is so adament that this is the first place she's ever felt totally accepted. Isn't the church supposed to be that? But that's not the reason I'm writing now.

I've been torn since she got the job. I don't understand or necessarily agree with that lifestyle, though I won't judge where another person is and what they believe. (This group in particular gets way too much of that as it is.)

And would I consider this an answer to prayer? Would you? I don't know. 

However, I was happy for her. How could I not be? She has wanted for so long to get back out in the workforce or so long but would have a hard time working in most typical envioronments. She wants to start earning money to help with expenses now (and I'm ready for that too as it's not cheap to add another adult to your household - and we were already struggling financially... a lot).

She's been on cloud 9 since the interview, even while having strep throat starting the day after. So what happened a few hours ago has been devastating.

She opened Facebook to find out the woman who would have been her boss, the one who hried her, sharing how she and the rest of the leadership team had basically been scammed. They were fronted the money to pay for a lot of the start-up costs but there's no more money. They didn't waste it. They didn't steal it. It wasn't a real company apparently.

So what do I do with this? Is this now an answer to prayer - that the job would fall through? It's not exactly the kind of job I would prefer her to have. 

I don't understand why she found a job she would love - that would help pay her bills - and then lost it.

I don't understand why my business has dried up... again. So far this month (it's the 12th), I have no, nada, zip amount of income.

I don't understand why my husband can't find a job.

I don't understand why a way to earn a large amount of money fell through when it looked so promising.

I don't understand why I continue to struggle so much financially.

On the flip side, I also don't understand why, after decades of wanting to do so, I'm finally playing guitar again - and on a worship team with my husband to boot.

I don't understand how I have found a church that I love after years of saying I'd never go to a church (other than Deaf Church) again.

I don't understand all the amazing opportunities I've gotten over the past few years... and that I was actually able to author a book.

I don't understand how I met a man who loves me the way I am - fat, with mental and physical health issues, etc - and we got married when he had sworn to be a batchelor all of his life.

I don't understand how I was able to birth a beautiful, talented daughter after years of infertility.

At the moment I'm doubting who God is. But can I give Him praise for the wonderful things that happen and then deny Him for the bad? Are both part of a plan... or is all this meaningless?

It's one of the greatest questions mankind has - and I'm positive of one thing. I won't come up with an answer.

I'll just keep going, and hoping, and trying my best to trust God...

... no matter what He is doing OR isn't.