I wish so much I wasn't affected by my circumstances. There are some who seem rock hard in their faith. Of course, there's a chance they aren't either - they are either good actors or who haven't had a lot happen to them in life.
Anyway, I wanted to write this post a few days ago, but I never had a moment to sit down and write. I'm glad I didn't because there's been a twist that I didn't see coming.
My adult daughter just moved back in with my mom, my husband and me. I won't lie... it's been a really rough transition. There's no extra space to put anything. I already felt my space was full - now it's overly full.
Add to that, my daughter's cats live in her room and a "catio" (a small enclosure with a top on it so they can go outside safely.) At night she lets them out of her room to play in the adjoining area that includes my study/office. I now have to babyproof that room so I get to my desk to work only after picking up a pile of papers they knocked on the floor or a book that was knocked off the shelf. So far nothing has broken, at least, but it makes it even harder to find places to put things safely.
The cats are also incredibly sweet and loving - which means they cry for me if they hear me working during the day and want to be held when I wake up in the middle of the night and try working for a while to get sleepy again.
These are just some of the adjustments I'm having to make - and it takes me a while to get used to new routines.
But that's not why I'm writing this post though it is a factor in why I'm so discouraged at the moment, which is why I mentioned it.
My daughter has been dealing \with various mental and physical, as well as relationship issues, for the past few years. During the few months she's lived here, she's already improved. She finally feels able to start working - part-time at first but hopefully it won't take long to move into something full-time so she can get out on her own.
Earlier this week she found her "perfect job." The interview went so well that they offered her a job on the spot. It was really good money, great potential for advancement, and they would accommodate the physical and mental issues she still deals with.
This is something I've been praying for - and asking friends to pray for - for years now. She and I were both excited when that prayer was answered.
But here's the first twist... it's at a new establishment - a drag queen lounge.
What is so sad to me is that she is adamant that this is the first place she's ever felt totally accepted. Isn't the Church supposed to be that? I'd like to go into that more, but that's for another post.
Back to this one... I've been torn since she got the job. I don't understand or necessarily agree with that lifestyle, though I won't judge where another person is and what they believe. My personal belief is judging won't help and this group in particular gets way too much of that as it is. I feel my job is to pray, love, and let God convict and lead someone out of that lifestyle, just like any sin.
I'd like to go into that more, but that's also for another post.
Back to this one again... would I consider this an answer to prayer? Would you?
I don't know, but of course, I was happy for her. How could I not be? She has wanted for so long to get back out in the workforce but would have a hard time working in most typical environments. She wants to start earning money to help with expenses now which would also help my husband and me as we were already struggling financially.
She's been on cloud 9 since the interview, even though she came down with while strep throat the day after.
What happened a few hours ago was devastating.
She opened Facebook to see a post from her future boss, the one who hired her, sharing how she and the rest of the leadership team had been scammed. They were fronted the money from an investor to pay for start-up costs but there's now it's been cut off. There's no more money. Her future boss and team hadn't wasted it. They didn't steal it. The investor was apparently not a real company. What she said doesn't make sense but my focus isn't on what happened with the company. That means nothing to my daughter.
All she wants to know is why, when she finally got a job that ticked off all the boxes for what she wanted, after not being able to work for so long, did it fall through? She cried and cried for hours and still hasn't gotten over it.
So what do I do with this? Is this now an answer to prayer - that the job would fall through? It's not exactly the kind of job I would prefer her to have.
I don't understand why she found a job she would love - that would help pay her bills as well as bring back the sense of independence she lost for several years - and then lost it.
I don't understand why my business has dried up... again. So far this month (it's the 12th), I have no, nada, zip income.
I don't understand why my husband can't find a job.
I don't understand why a way to earn a large amount of money fell through when it looked so promising.
I don't understand why I continue to struggle so much financially no matter how hard I work.
On the flip side, I also don't understand why, after decades of wanting to do so, I'm finally playing guitar again - and on a worship team and with my husband.
I don't understand how I have found a church that I love after years of saying I'd never go to a church (other than Deaf Church) again.
I don't understand all the amazing opportunities with photography and writing I've gotten over the past few years... and that I was actually able to author a book.
I don't understand how I met a man who loves me the way I am - fat, with mental and physical health issues, etc - and he asked me to marry him even though he had sworn to be a bachelor all of his life.
I don't understand how I was able to birth an amazing, complex, talented daughter after years of infertility.
Right now, I'll admit that I'm doubting who God is. But how can I give Him praise for the wonderful things that happen and then deny Him for the bad? Are both part of a plan... or is all this meaningless?
It's one of the greatest questions mankind has - and I'm positive of one thing - I won't come up with an answer.
I'll just keep going, and hoping, and trying my best to trust God...
... no matter what He is doing - or isn't.
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