Caregiving is HARD! (Especially When the Caregiver has Physical and Emotional Issues Already)

I've been a partial caregiver for my parents for years. However, the majority of that time, they were mostly independent, sometimes to their detriment. (Doing too much led to some of the issues we are facing today.) The only time I was really called upon to help in everyday life was for small things, like helping my dad put on his diabetes monitor or assisting mom with hard to reach zippers.

The times they needed more extensive help were after each of their many hospital visits. I was usually the one who spent the most time at the hospital, arranged follow-up doctor appointments, helped to fill out paperwork, etc. I have three brothers who were involved, but when they came to the hospital, they sat and visited instead of really helping with their care - and when each of my parents was discharged, a lot of the care fell on me since we all lived together.

After my dad passed a year and a half ago, I've had to do more and more for my mom in everyday life, but she has still been pretty independent. I suspected that this latest surgery my mom had would lead to doing much more than what I've needed to do before, but there was a part of me that hoped I was overreacting. 

It turns out I was right. 

In fact, it was worse than I imagined.

As much as we love and are thankful for the doctors who did the very involved surgeries she needed, they didn't help with the reality of recovery. In fact, they didn't mention what the recovery would be like at all. But I don't blame them... I really think a surgery this rare has never been done before on a woman of my mother's age. No one knew what would happen. 

Let me explain what the past two months have been like - and what surgeries I'm talking about.

It all started on June 5th. After hearing about this one-of-a-kind doctor, we had to wait a couple of months for this date to come. Mom and I were collectively holding our breath, thinking at any minute that he would say the surgery was too dangerous, too complicated, just too much for an 87-year-old with all of her physical issues.

It turned out that she was seeing the only doctor in Alabama who would even discuss doing this kind of surgery on her.

Backstory: My mom had crushed her elbow in a fall when she was 6-years-old. She found out about elbow replacements in her 50's. Still somewhat rare then, this replacement had gone well... at first.

Then it broke. 

In 2014, she had a second elbow replacement, with a surgeon at the time who was the only one who would attempt that procedure. The surgery went well but he told her after her recovery that if something happened to it, there was nothing that could be done. There was too little bone left to attach the prosthesis to in the future.

Early this year, she fell and broke it again. She went for months dealing with horrible pain because she thought there was nothing that could be done. That is, until she found Dr. Smith at UAB and made that wonderful June 5th appointment.

Dr. Smith laid it all out. He admitted that he wasn't sure how to do it but he had several ideas in mind. He explained the options and after scheduling a follow-up visit, he told us that he would use the time until that appointment to talk to some of his colleagues around the country and get their input.

There were several ups and downs between that visit and the first surgery but we made it. We were told she would need to spend one or two nights in the hospital before going home. I told them I thought we'd probably stay at least three.

I was right.

But what was really disappointing was that it wasn't even a longer stay because the surgery was more complex than they thought. Well, actually it was more complex than they thought. Much, much more complex. So much so that they decided they had to do it in two stages.

In the first - that initial surgery - they would take out all of the old elbow replacement hardware. Then, at some point in the future, they would put in a total shoulder/humerus/elbow replacement. Where the first surgery was a couple of hours, the second would be much, much longer... ending up with her being about 8-9 hours under anesthesia. 

This time they said she would stay in the hospital two or three days. I said it would be longer.

I was right - again.

She was in the hospital and then a rehab hospital for 20, yes 2...0 days. I stayed with her in the hospital every day and night, only going home twice to take a shower. Though I didn't spend the night, I stayed with her in the rehab hospital all day, every day, with the exception of one right before she went home.

It was exhausting. It was draining. It was HARD.

However, it was nothing compared to when she finally got home. 

My mom has a condition called ulcerative colitis. In her case, it causes diarrhea and makes her need to go to the bathroom often and very quickly after eating. In other words, she often didn't make it. 

Furthermore, did I mention that the surgery was done on the arm of her dominant hand? She had no use of her right arm and hand at first, due to major swelling and not being able to move her shoulder at all. Plus, it was difficult for her to use her left arm/hand.

I'm not a very patient or selfless person. I was a teacher - not a nurse. Teachers need these traits but it's totally different. However, I love my mom and would do anything for her. I tried to make myself become what I needed to be to take care of her.

Have I said it was HARD?

I'm sure it's hard on anyone, but you add back pain, anxiety issues, bipolar swings, auto-immune flare-ups and other similiar things to the mix, and it's HARD. 

But I did it - somehow. Still, I'll be soooo glad when she's able to be somewhat independent again.