It's time for another pity party, even though I don't have cookie dough for this one. If you read my last post, you'll have at least some idea why. But it basically comes down to:
I'm living in a house with...
- my mother who deals with mental illness and lots of physical conditions;
- my father who deals with mental illness (though mild) and lots of physical conditions;
- my daughter who deals with mental illness, addiction, and lots of physical conditions; and
- myself, who deals with mental illness, addiction, and lots of physical conditions.
I'm trying to be a partial caregiver (thankfully none need full-time care at this point) to all 3, as well as take care of myself.
Last night I went to an Overeaters Anonymous support group for the 2nd time. My other addiction was, frankly, relatively easy to overcome, because it came up later in life. It wasn't easy, by any means, but compared to overcoming compulsive eating, I'm sure that becoming sober in this other area will seem like a walk in the park.
I've been a compulsive eater as long as I can remember. Looking back, both the undiagnosed bipolar disorder and food addiction contributed to why I could never stick to a diet. No consequence, no intervention, nothing worked to keep the weight off.
Now I'm horribly overweight to the point where it terrifies me. I now know why I haven't been able to diet before, which gives me hope that there is an answer to my weight issue. But that does not mean it will be easy. I know it's gonna be a lot of really hard work.
Here's where the pity party comes in... I know that everyone in that support group deals with some amount of crap. All addicts have crap to deal with, a good bit of their own making. But I just can't imagine that anyone in that group has dealt with all that I have in the past few years and still do on a daily basis - career loss, home loss, moving to another state, caregiving to 3 people who need help but also have some independence (which makes it harder), bipolar disorder, severe anxiety, major financial issues, and lots of dysfunction in my home.
Right now I am going to a therapist every 1-2 weeks and three different support groups every week to help with these issues. But that alone adds an issue - time. When you are self-employed, time is money. The therapy appointments can usually be scheduled when I wouldn't be working much anyway but the support groups that I can attend are all set times, and some of those times would be good for rideshare work.
However, I know that I have to do this right now. I know that my finances may continue to go down the toilet, but I have to get better. I can't wait anymore.
But is letting my finances go a smart thing? My daughter's issues are compounded by the fact that she also has to work. Usually, I say it's a great thing for 20-year-olds to work, but she already has so much to deal with that it would be so much better for her to be able to just go to school and concentrate on learning and have some time to be a kid.
I guess it doesn't matter if it's a smart thing or not. It is. That's where I am in life.
I guess this is a perfect time to bring in the Serenity Prayer:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
The majority of the stuff I wrote about is stuff I can't change. I need to stop focusing on that and focus on the little bit I can change.
Since one of those things is making money, I guess I'll have to call off the pity party so I can work. I'm sure there will be more later you will be invited to.
You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to invite me to a pity party of your own.