My Recent Revelation About Depression - Tears and Anger

Disclaimer before I start: I'm not a psychiatrist, therapist or social worker. This is written from my perspective as one who has I've dealt with clinical depression since I was a teenager - over 40 years. I have spent countless hours in psychiatrist's and therapist's offices and have spent hundreds of hours learning on my own about this disease. 

Before we go further, let me share the official criteria to be diagnosed with clinical depression or MDD - Major Depressive Disorder.

Symptoms used to diagnose Major Depressive Disorder (paraphrased from the DSM5) are:

- Depressed mood - sad, empty, hopeless, tearful

- Loss of interest/pleasure

- Significant weight loss/gain or decrease or increase in appetite 

- Insomnia or excessive sleepiness 

- Restlessness or slow movement

- Feeling worthless or excessive/inappropriate guilt

- Problems with concentration, indecisive

- Recurring thoughts of death/suicide

To be officially diagnosed, a person has to exhibit five of the above characteristics nearly every day for at least two weeks.

Now that we have the boring stuff over, let's get to my revelation - a true light-bulb moment that happened earlier this week in my current therapist's (our marriage counselor's) office.

Being depressed is usually associated with crying. In fact, many automatically assume that's the only way depression manifests. There are many days I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate it but it's just the way I'm made. I've tried multitudes of prescription medicines, vitamins and supplements, and like I said earlier, lots and lots and lots of professional and spiritual help. 

I'm better than I used to be - but I'm still not where I'd like to be.

My husband is one of those men who is a true gentleman. He carries my bag for me, helps me up or down a curb, opens the door for me, and even walks on the side of the sidewalk nearest the street. He is incredibly kind and puts up with a lot - all of my mental and physical issues - while still loving me. 

He is an incredibly amazing man and I'm very blessed to call him my husband.

However, he is also depressed. I've known it since not long after we started dating. On top of that, he occasionally has anger issues. (Gold star for those who know where I'm going with this - you are more perceptive than I!)

His anger issues have been part of his life about the same amount of time depression has been part of mine (maybe more). It has cost him a lot - sports opportunities, jobs, relationships... since he was a child.

After we had been dating maybe six months, I noticed how his anger problem came and went. I didn't understand why. 

Then months later, I found out that if he ran out of his prescription anti-depressant, his temper was much more difficult to control. I was confused as to why an anti-depressant would help with anger, but I assumed it was one of those off-label things. As we hadn't been dating long, it wasn't really my business to pry so I let it go.

After we became more committed, I would ask him when he lost his temper if he was out of his prescription. He would get really mad at me (proving my point) but would finally admit he was out. I tried to help him stay on top of keeping that prescription filled - still not understanding the connection between an anti-depressant and something that helps with anger.

More time has passed. We have been married 2 1/2 years after dating/being engaged over five. I'm in a place to help him monitor that even better than ever before - and it's a rare occurance now.

At some point along this timeline, I would start to get upset about his temper whenever it erupted. (Sometimes I did, but that's beside the point right now.) Often I would remind myself that he puts up with my crying and even if it drives him nuts, not once has he ever gotten onto me for doing so.

Not long ago I finally (yes, it takes me a while sometimes) recognized that when he gets extremely frustrated and/or overwhelmed, he loses his temper... and when I do, I cry. I knew there was a connection but didn't know exactly what it was.

Now to present day... earlier this week we were at a therapist appointment. Our therapist (who has been a true God-send) had each of us fill out a depression scale prior to the appointment. 

He went through my results first.

My score was I think 45 out of 100 - moderately to severely depressed. 

I waited to hear my husband's results, assuming that his wasn't as bad as mine because his are never as bad as mine - in bloodwork, diagnoses, etc. Overall, he's much "healthier" than I am.

My jaw dropped when his score was a 33 - severely depressed.

It's embarrassing to admit I thought his depression was mild. He's much more of an optimist than I am. I just assumed he was okay.

And thus, I joined the many who aren't able to see what's right in front of them.

I mentioned to our therapist what I wrote earlier about how each of us deal with frustration - my crying and his anger.

Our therapist said it was common for men with depression to get angry.

BAM! It was a lightbulb moment the size of a nuclear explosion! THIS is why an anti-depressant helped. THIS is why he's been losing his temper more often lately even while taking his meds. THIS was the problem all along.

I've been trying to get him to see a psychiatrist for years... but I didn't push the issue because I thought it wasn't that big of a deal. I'm incredibly thankful that he already has an appointment with a doctor who I already know is amazing in just another month - and he can share what we learned a few days ago.

All this to say... sometimes anger issues are anger issues. But sometimes they are more. 

If you or a loved one has problems with his/her temper, look into depression as a possible cause. IF it is, then there could be a medicine out there that can help "tame the beast" while hopefully also working with a therapist to learn skills that make even more of a difference.