My title of this post isn't exactly completely accurate. I've been writing, but not here. It's been hard to write much at all with everything going on - and so this has fallen by the wayside. But I've decided that I'm going to try to write here more often.
As you know, coming here is my go-to when I'm sad (or really happy) or have something that happened I need to vent about or just have something I realized I thought you might be interested in hearing it.
So, this morning, when a bout of sadness hit me, seemingly out of the blue, I thought I would come back to the best way for me to process it.
Setting: I'm sitting along the back wall of my church. My husband is practicing with the worship team. I brought my laptop so that I could get some stuff done these couple of hours that I don't need to worry about Mom.
I had asked to be on the team this week but there was a miscommunication between my worship pastor and me and I wasn't included. As it often does, it worked out better that I'm not on it this week. I really needed to be home with Mom this past Wed night during practice. (It's like God knows what's going to happen in the future - amazing!)
It doesn't make it any easier to hear them playing and want to be up there with them. Well, I just figured out the why on my sadness! Though I know logically it was better for me to be with Mom and honestly, that I'm finally able to get a blog out for the first time in months, I'm still sad that I'm sitting on the sidelines of something I love to do so much.
I would have to go back and see if I ever wrote about the miracle that me even being on the worship team is. A few decades ago I gave up on church - too organized, too many issues, too much hurt. Around the same time, I also shut my heart down concerning music - all types of music, not just worship. I thought that if I just shut it down and tried not to listen to any music, it wouldn't hurt so much.
During that time, I also gained a lot of weight. A couple of times through during those years, I picked up my guitar and tried to play. It was physically just not possible. My full-body and shortish arms weren't long enough to reach the guitar strings with my full-bodied guitar.
So, when I finally started back to a regular church (not Deaf Church) a little over two years ago, I wanted to join the worship team, but I didn't think playing guitar, my favorite instrument, was a possibility. Instead, I tried to play keyboard, which I had been somewhat successful in the past playing. Not this time! I failed miserably.
But my worship leader at the time kept encouraging me to pick my guitar back up and I had the bright idea to get a thin-body (not myself - my guitar). My mom supported me and gave me the money to buy a cheap one... and I was able to play it! Not only could I play it, it was like I had never put it down!
Then a few months ago, after losing weight and having more a thin body myself, I decided to be brave one day and try my beloved Takamine guitar, one that was special to me for many reasons. One was that during a horrible divorce, my worship team at the time took up the money to buy it for me. It's a sweet sounding guitar and through my no-music years and no money, I thought several times about selling it, but just couldn't do it.
It was incredibly special to me to be able to play it again.
Combine that with sitting on the sidelines... I've had other loves in my life where I had to sit out for various reasons. I know this is a common theme with humanity - there's not a person who hasn't had that happen figuratively if not literally.
Plus, add in being more than extremely tired. I haven't been sleeping much lately - averaging maybe 3-4 hours a night. It wears on you more than you realize until it happens. So my emotions would be on the edge even if I wasn't on the sidelines.
I feel that most of my posts have been more positive lately and I feel a little bad that I'm going back to my all-too-common post that verges on a pity-party. But I also have made a commitment to be real with this blog - and today I'm sad. Today, even though I know why, I feel left-out and on the sidelines. Today, I wish I was rested and up on the stage doing what I love.
But I'm not, and it's really okay. One thing I've been learning is that with life, and especially with bipolar disorder, emotions come and go. This sadness won't last forever. Not being able to sleep won't last forever.
And sitting on the sidelines won't last forever. In fact, most likely in just seven days (or three if you're counting until practice), I'll be back up there.
For all this I am incredibly thankful.
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