The Roller Coaster One Week Later

The roller coaster has continued for a week now... This time a week ago, I had absolutely no idea what was coming.  

In fact, last Monday night my husband and I went out to eat (a very rare thing lately). Afterward,  we went for a late-night walk on our street (an even rarer thing). I don't know why I did it,  but I remember remarking that one day this would be just a memory - this street,  this house,  this period of such pain, struggle, but many good times. 

I'm in bed with Mom again right now. (It might be the last time she sleeps in her bed.) She had a big rally yesterday where she was really lucid,  wanted to eat, and actually stood up on her own. I'm thankful that I knew what to expect, but even knowing doesn't make it hard to keep in mind that she's not getting better, that it was just a blip on the road to heaven. 

It's a strange dichotomy at the moment.  I hear the pulsing noise of the oxygen concentrator while also listening to some beautiful hymns. (That I consider them beautiful still amazes me because for several decades I've hated them. But that's a story for another day.)

My husband came down a little bit ago to help Mom transfer to the bedside commode. I look around and see all of the equipment we rely on now. The bedside commode, the waterproof pads on the bed, the wheelchair, the hospital bed outside the bedroom... all reminders that she's in this stage of life. 

On one hand, I can't wait to get rid of all this stuff. On the other. I know what that means... and I'm very willing to put it off a little longer.

I'm recording and taking videos of just about everything. That's how I remember, and this is a time I desperately will want to remember. 

One thing I wasn't able to take a video of was her getting into bed. She has a high bed with side rails. The way she gets on the bed is to sit on the side, put her feet on the side rail, and push herself up. 

Every time she does it, I think of that scene in the movie "Titanic" where the elderly Rose steps up on the rail of the boat to throw the Heart of the Ocean (I think that's its name) into the sea. I've always thought she was so beautiful in that scene, with her wrinkled bare feet and wispy hair.

Mom is also that beautiful. She has an amazing smile that lights up a room. However, she absolutely hates her hands and feet because she has severe arthritis and they are crooked and swollen in the joints. 

I think they are beautiful. 

That reminds me of a song I'm planning to sign (while my daughter sings it) at Mom's Celebration of Life. It's called"Scars of Heaven" by Casting Crowns. It sums up Mom's life so well, especially due to the huge scar that runs all the way down her right arm.

This is the YouTube URL: 

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiJUE9Eii0Q&list=RDNiJUE9Eii0Q&start_radio=1

And here are the lyrics:

If I had only known the last time would be the last time,
I would've put off all the things I had to do.
I would've stayed a little longer, held on a little tighter,
Now what I'd give for one more day with you.

 

'Cause there's a wound here in my heart where something's missing,
And they tell me that it's gonna heal with time.
But I know you're in a place where all your wounds have been erased,
And knowing yours are healed is healing mine.

 

The only scars in heaven - they won't belong to me and you.
There'll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new.
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down,
Is that the only scars in heaven are on the Hands that hold you now.

 

I know the road you walked was anything but easy.
You picked up your share of scars along the way.
Oh, but now you're standing in the sun, you've fought your fight and your race is run.
The pain is all a million miles away.

 

The only scars in heaven - they won't belong to me and you.
There'll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new.
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down,
Is that the only scars in heaven, yeah, are on the Hands that hold you now.

 

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 

For the hands that hold you now.

 

There's not a day goes by that I don't see you.
You live on in all the better parts of me.
Until I'm standing with you in the sun, I'll fight this fight and this race I'll run,
Until I finally see what you can see. Oh-oh!

 

The only scars in heaven - they won't belong to me and you.
There'll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new.
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down,
Is that the only scars in heaven are on the Hands that hold you now.
   Source: LyricFind
    Songwriters: John Mark Hall / Matthew Joseph West
    Scars in Heaven lyrics © Essential Music Publishing, ME Gusta Music, O/B/O DistroKid

It's a beautiful song. 

I need to try to get to sleep. Friends and family have been and are coming to visit over the next few days. It would help if I'm not exhausted. 

Good night.