It's the Holidays Again

Today is December 1, 2024. 

Thanksgiving was this past week. After an almost-full-blown panic attack, I made it to my family gathering and did okay. Otherwise, this week hasn't been that eventful. Work is slim this time of year so at least I didn't have a lot of commitments I had to fulfill. I'm thankful because I also wasn't feeling well.

Part of the reason I wasn't feeling well was that this past Sunday morning my sponsor, mentor, and one of my best friends, Jack, passed away. I knew he was in the hospital but he didn't want any visitors so he wouldn't tell me where he was. He quickly became too weak to talk or text though I was pretty sure he wouldn't make it, when I got a voicemail from his brother-in-law, it was still a shock. I've been crying off and on all week. I miss him terribly.

That loss, combined with the upcoming holidays (with very, very limited resources and energy for gifts, decorating, and Christmas activities), my back getting worse, my mom's own back surgery not having worked, my depression deepening, my left eardrum bursting for the 4th time in the last few months, and my husband's auto-immune disorder really acting up... I'm not in a great place right now. Oh - and in two days will be the first anniversary of my dad dying.

What gets me more than anything is that I'm supposed to feel happy this time of year. At this moment, I'm sitting at church during the before-service worship team practice where my husband is playing percussion. It's not practical due to distance to take separate cars, so I almost always come with him, even though I then have about 2 hours to kill early on Sunday morning.

I had been out of town for several Sundays and wasn't feeling well last Sunday so I didn't go (which actually worked out well because I would have been a basket case if I heard the news about Jack's passing while at church).

Upon arrival today, I saw the church full of Christmas trees and decorations. The worship team is practicing Christmas songs along with some of the regular worship songs. Most people would absolutely love having this before-church time to sit here and enjoy the beautiful surroundings and music.

But not me.

All I want to do is cry - and the hidden pressure to be really happy just makes it worse. I don't know how I'll make it through worship (the singing part) this morning because I'm so down. I'm scared that the wall that was being torn down around my heart about worship is being built again - but I seem powerless to stop it.

I was starting to really lose it when I realized I needed to write and get it all out (thus this post).

Anyway, I'm sorry that this is such a downer. I wrote it because it's one of the best ways for me process my feelings. However, I'm posting it here to let others know that if they aren't feeling happy or joyous about the holidays - you aren't alone. 

But even as I wrote the last paragraph, I'm reminded about my Thanksgiving experience. The morning of Thanksgiving, I was really stressed and overwhelmed. I decided I couldn't deal with the family, planning to instead eat Chinese buffet by myself. But by the afternoon, I was doing better and I not only went, but had a pretty good time. 

So keep in mind that circumstances and moods can change. Just because you feel horrible this hour, or day, or week, doesn't mean it'll last all month. 

One more thing... Go back and find where I wrote the phrase "powerless to stop it." Yes, I am powerless. Recognizing this is the first step in any addiction recovery program - and I'm sure it works in this case too. I'm powerless concerning so much of my life, which is why I have to rely on a higher power (in my case, God). 

I'll try to keep these things in mind along with you - as we all face the Christmas season of 2024. Just like so many Christmas seasons I've dreaded in the past, January WILL come - with all of its own issues, hurts, disappointments... and good times. Nothing is all good but nothing is all bad. 

We can make it through whatever we're facing. Just take the next right step (another addition recovery statement).

Whatever we do, we have to just keep going.

(For a funny post about a past Thanksgiving, go to https://www.spotlightonstigma.com/2019/08/ah-family-trigger-warning-suicide.html)

Perspective Shift on Homelessness

(Before I start, I want you to know that I do realize there's a better way to refer to the homeless now, but, for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. I'll update this if I ever think of it.)

There is a lot of controversy over what to do about the homeless population. Some say to not give them money because it just fuels their addictions. Others say that it's the Christian thing to do - to help those in need.

I have been torn between the two - at times doing one and sometimes the other.

But there's nothing like having a situation like this get personal for it to change your perspective...

One of my nephews has a few mental health issues - the kind that make living a typical life almost impossible. He's incredibly smart and had an incredible future ahead of him before all this happened. 

He had an episode before he was diagnosed where he was violent. This kid (I still think that though he's almost 30) is one of the most tranquil, laid-back individuals I've ever known. It was definitely his disease that made him act up like he did.

But his family (yes - my extended family) didn't understand. They wanted him to "snap out of it" and to get a job so he could get his life together. His mom kicked him out of her house. At the time, with therapy, medication, and government help, he was able to get an apartment and a job.

Though it wasn't easy - he had to walk and take the bus to and from work in Maine in the winter - he was able to keep going.

Until he wasn't.

Psych meds are some of the worst to manage. They usually have truly awful side effects so it's so tempting to stop taking them when a person starts to feel better. Or they stop working after a while. It often takes 6-8 weeks - or more - for them to even start working so it's a loooooong process to find a new one when needed.

I went through that merry-go-round with anti-depressants. I tried almost everything, alone or in combination, over several years. Nothing worked. I found out later it was because I was misdiagnosed and actually had bipolar disorder, which is another issue with these meds - and this field of medicine.

Well, my nephew was experiencing really bad side effects. He's smart enough to do research on his own and he found out what was causing the issues. He decided to wean himself off some of them.

At first, it was wonderful... amazing. He felt so much better. He had hopes and dreams again. He started writing music again. He decided to go back to school.

Then it wasn't.

After a while, the effects of not taking all his meds meant that he started showing signs of his disease again. This led to another big episode, more violence. 

He was again kicked out of his home.

This time, he had nowhere to go except for his car. He's officially homeless. It breaks my heart but there's nothing I can do about it. 

My husband and I barely have enough room for ourselves and there's a good chance our daughter (who is in a similar situation but currently is still living with her ex), might have to move in at any time. We are struggling financially and are also helping our daughter until she hopefully can get a job herself.

The only reassuring aspect of all this is knowing that he's strong and hopefully can figure a way out. His immediate family still tells him to snap out of it and get a job. I tell them to lay off him. He needs love and support, not to be told to do what he wants to do but obviously can't. But they aren't listening to me.

Anyway, that rant is beside the point.

What really made me change my perspective...

My mom, who talks to him just about every day (and is his biggest supporter), told me that one way he's making it is to collect cans and turn them in to earn a few dollars. 

One day about a week ago, he was counting change at a McDonald's to get a hot meal when a man saw him. He gave him $20. 

I teared up when Mom told me. I was so thankful for the compassion of this stranger toward my nephew. 

And then it hit me - he's homeless. He is literally no different than those who live on the street, those who so many say need to be moved out of sight, those who so many say deserve or chose the life they have.

Honestly, some probably have, for various reasons. But I know the power of addiction, how mental health issues can overwhelm the strongest person, how a series of bad circumstances can cause the most industrious person to lose housing. A friend of mine has a dearly loved son who is homeless due to addiction. 

My nephew is there because of mental health. My daughter is only one step away from there due to circumstances.

None are lazy. None chose this life. All had hopes and dreams that have been taken away.

There isn't an easy answer. 

But I do know one thing.

They DON'T need to hear that they need to get jobs. They DON'T need to hear that they need to snap out of it. They DON'T need to feel they are worthless.

They are sons, daughters, dads, moms, employees, artists - and nephews. They are important. They are worth being supported.

Somehow, some way, we need to figure out how to help them realize those things - and help them in tangible ways to get out of the situation they are in so that they can get back to who they wanted to be before life got in the way.

Random Thoughts about the Book of Isaiah (and the Bible in General)

If you have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I'm all over the place. Topics for posts vary from true stigmas to random thoughts I have about life.

So, you shouldn't be surprised that seemingly out of the blue I'm writing a post about a well-known, but only partially loved, book in the Old Testament. You also shouldn't be surprised that I'm extremely honest about how I feel concerning a topic - even when it's against what many believe.

Let me 'splain...

First, some background.

I have a friend who was an acquaintance for a long time but with whom recently I've gotten to know better. She has a podcast called "Meet Me in Isaiah." According to its Facebook page, this podcast's main message is to "share the Good News of Jesus Christ by creatively promoting Isaiah 53. Written about 700 years before Jesus' birth, Isaiah 53 is a precise and concise description of Who He is and what He did for us."  

Here's part 1 of the honesty portion of this blog: I have heard her ask many times for people she could interview for her podcast at meetings we've both attended. I think she's even asked me directly if I would do so at some of them, but I was always able to dodge the bullet. 

For about the past six months or so, we've also been trying to schedule another podcast she helps with that concerns my life as a creative freelancer. A couple of weeks ago we finally were able to pull it off and get that dang podcast recorded. (Whew!)

After we were done, it happened. She directly asked. It was just three of us in the room. No dodging possible.

There were two problems that arose - 1) I wanted to say yes and 2) I had no idea what I'd talk about.

Now for part 2 of being blatantly honest: I don't read the Bible. I haven't in years... decades. The summarized version as to why has to do with my past in various churches. 

You see, the vast majority of churches say they know that they way their interpretation of scripture is the only truly correct one. But how can they all be right? Since it's not possible, which one is? 

Are any of them? 

After I started thinking about this, reading scripture became an overwhelming task, a chore. Constantly trying to discern the "right" interpretation of a verse, chapter or book was too much. Wondering if the Bible was really true (yes, I'm one of those Christians)... Knowing that translations are often different and trying to decide which one is correct. Questioning over and over - are any of them?

Then into the picture comes another friend I have nicknamed Pineapple. Pineapple, who feels very much like I do about church (more on that another time). Pineapple, who loves Jesus and loves me. Pineapple, who absolutely loves scripture...

She has spent the past year praying that I would once again love Scripture. She doesn't judge me or push me but instead would give me tiny nudges about it just about every time we talked. 

One day she gave me a gift - a children's Bible, one that is somewhat unique in that all of the stories tie into how Jesus is woven throughout all of those 66 books. 

I appreciated the gift greatly, but even a children's Bible was too much. It was placed on a shelf on the table beside where I sit in my den and occasionally I would pull it out, trying to make myself read it. I would put it where I would see it whenever I sat there - with the thought that this placement would remind me to read it. 

Time would pass and I would put it back on the shelf with other books - feeling guilty whenever I did so. After a while I would pull it back out - feeling guilty whenever I did so (because I still wouldn't read it). Even without being pressured, the guilt was there. I knew I should be reading it but still couldn't make myself.

I simply couldn't get past being overwhelmed about opening it.

Then, about a month ago, some stuff changed in my heart. I started actually reading.

So, when my podcaster friend approached me about being on "Meet Me in Isaiah," this time I thought about it instead of instantly dismissing it.

Since then I've been thinking about what verse or verses I would highlight if I took her up on the offer. One thing that I still feel strongly about is that pulling a random verse out of the Bible can be risky. Yes, it's possible to do so to a helpful affect, but it's also very possible to pull a phrase, sentence, or paragraph out of context, which can be at best misleading, and at worst, downright dangerous.

So, I didn't want to randomly choose a verse.

Isaiah is also a complex, somewhat scary, book that includes prophesies of the downfall of several places. 

Due to having anxiety disorder and panic disorder, I already don't watch the news. I'm just not up at this time for delving into those parts of Isaiah. However, if I pick and choose the chapters I read, it's just a longer method of cherry-picking verses.

So reading the entire book of Isaiah is out. Randomly picking a chapter is out. And though there are a LOT of amazing verses in Isaiah, those are all well-known. I'll bet those verses have been discussed on the podcast many times.

I just realized that this whole post explains what I said in the first place - how reading the Bible is extremely complicated, perplexing, and frustrating - at least for me. 

Now I just have to figure out what to do about it... and hopefully one day I can be a guest on the "Meet Me in Isaiah" podcast without anxiety.

On Saturday, September 28, 2024, I'm Grateful For...

This week I was reminded about a principle integral to Christianity, addiction recovery, and almost any type of counseling currently offered.

That principle is gratefulness.

Today has been a rough day. A lot has gone wrong - but a lot has also gone right. When things were going wrong this morning my husband joked and called me a pessimist. 

He was right.

So I set out to prove him wrong and proceeded to turn all of the things that went wrong for the rest of the day into something I could be grateful for. 

But what do you do when you have a fight with that same man and then it suddenly feels like there's absolutely nothing to be grateful for no matter how hard you try and no matter how you felt just an hour or two earlier?

It took me a while, but then it just hit me like a ton of bricks (ouch!)...

...I need to be grateful anyway.

I'm still mad at him. I'm still hurt by what started it. I still don't know how to get through the rest of the evening processing these feelings.

But there's a lot to be grateful for even in the anger... and the hurt... and the uncertainty.

So, here I go. My goal is to write 25 things I'm grateful for (and honestly, I know this just scratches the surface but I do need to get some sleep tonight).

So, on Saturday, September 28, 2024, I'm grateful for...

1. the computer I'm typing this list on
2. my blog where hopefully this pain (and solution) will help someone else
3. the husband I'm so mad at right now (but still love in spite of it)
4. the daughter I got back after several years of her being sick and so far away from me
5. getting to be on a worship team for the first time in a very long time
6. getting to be on said worship team with the husband who I'm mad at
7. my ergonomic keyboard
8. my cell phone with an S-pen (I've wanted one for years)
9. the diet peach tea that I'm drinking that tastes like real peaches
10. the weighted wrist brace I was able to make that helps me deal with my essential tremors without meds
11. that my new camera body wasn't broken after all
12. the new battery I was able to get for my car - and put on a payment plan because right now finances are tight
13. the free pet food that I was able to get for my daughter and her fur babies
14. the many opportunities I've gotten to do through photography and writing that I never, ever could have even dreamed about a decade ago
15. the cooler weather today (and this time I think it's here to stay!)
16. losing weight
17. the under-desk bicycle thing that helps my restless leg syndrome (RLS) when I'm working
18. my SUV (an item I never really wanted but can't imagine not having now)
19. a camera harness that doesn't hurt my neck
20. my very cute-and-tiny fur baby of my own
21. cool looking business cards that I designed and that I'm actually proud of
22. little bitty colorful clothespins that I can use to put up reminders of what I need to think about when things like this happen
23. getting - not having - to live with my mom (and if you've known me long, you know how much of a miracle that is)
24. friends who support and pray for me
25. that someone (I can't even remember who at the moment) reminded me how important being grateful is...

... and SO much more!

Thank you, God. Thank you, friends. Thank you, couselors and pastors and mentors... 

Being grareful may not change anything that I can actually see, touch, hear, smell and taste, but in a major way, it actually changes everything.

The Church Haves and Church Have-Nots

Following are concurrent text conversations I had with two different women at my church about an upcoming women's retreat. It's something I've thought about a lot. Read through it and I'll provide my thoughts at the end. 

Note that names have been changed to protect the innocent. (Even though this is a very serious topic - LOL!) Plus, I didn't correct the typos or grammar. After all, it is texting. :-) (I hope my former English teachers never read it!)

*************************************** 

8.15.24, Sunday evening

Conversation with Jane Doe #1 

(We had talked in person earlier and this text conversation picked up on what we talked about.)

ME:

If I go, can I ride with you?

JANE #1:

I'm in a car with Jane #2 and Jane #3 and all the sound equipment 🤣🤣🤣 And keyboard... Jane #2 is in charge of carpools since we're limited to 10 cars... If you can go, we can see what the space looks like on our car.

ME:

OK. Honestly, that could make or break going for me. Who's doing sound? 

JANE #1:

I have no idea maybe Jane #4...? 

Switch to conversation with Jane Doe #5 

(I sent this first text message earlier.) 

ME: 

Jane #5... It's Tracy Frontz (from church). When you first announced the retreat a couple of months ago, I looked at my calendar and saw I had a shoot for a nonprofit that weekend. It's one we had done for I think, four years. I would never have bailed on them. So I didn't pay attention anymore to the updates about the retreat.

This morning, I realized it's next weekend. Before I left for church, I went ahead and transferred my calendar into my weekly to-do list. I noticed there wasn't anything going on this weekend.

It took a lot of thinking and talking to Travis about it before I realized it was the foot-race fundraiser for Blanket Fort Hope we were supposed to shoot. For some reason, they moved the date of the race - so now I'm free to potentially go.

I asked Jane #1, who said to contact you about it. The thing is... I'm either free or have meetings that I can reschedule during the retreat time. But I simply can't afford it - not even close. Is there a scholarship or something? 

(She just texted back, interrupting my conversation with Jane #1.)

JANE #5:

Hey Tracy! We had someone not be able to go who has already paid their deposit. She said don't worry about the $100 deposit and if someone was able to come last min then they could use that. So it would be $200 instead of the $300. It does cover 3 breakfasts, and one dinner (and an ice cream social :).

ME:

Thanks but there's no way I can afford that. We are in a deficit every month right now. I didn't even realize all the meals weren't even covered... I'd have to brownbag those, or at least some of them. Maybe one day things will change and I'll get to go to one. Thanks for letting me know. 

JANE #5:

Oh yeah sorry, we will be eating out a couple of times and we're splitting gas money as well. Hopefully it will all go smooth this year and we will be able to have them each year! And we can have the date planned out way in advance so more people can plan! 

ME:

Unless something major changes, I still probably couldn't afford it. 

JANE #5:

There will be lots of fun women's events coming soon at the church! 😍

ME:

Honestly, I wasn't looking for fun. I was looking to bond with some of the women at church.... And hopefully encounter God together. 

JANE #5:

There will be lots of opportunities for that to come with the women's ministry I'm sure ! 

ME:

I'm sorry, but that's not the point. It separates the haves and have-nots. Have-nots will never be completely accepted because they can't keep up with what the haves don't even think about, like how meeting at Starbucks for a cup of coffee is way too much for a large part of the population. 

JANE #5:

I understand. I’m sorry that we are unable to provide individual scholarships at this time. Unfortunately our church is just not currently in a position to fund this trip for individuals right now. In the future we hope to be able to include anyone and have multiple scholarships available.

Switch back to conversation with Jane Doe #1.

ME:

Oh well... I'm not going. Jamie said there was someone who can't go and didn't ask for their deposit back, so it would still be $200, plus I didn't realize all the meals weren't covered so that would be even more. 

JANE #1:

Awwww... I'm sorry... 

ME:

I'm actually sad... And I'm mad. You gotta have money to be involved in so much at churches. Travis and I have even skipped church because we didn't have money for gas. Shouldn't either a church be willing to help those who can't afford it or only have activities that everyone can afford? What was the scripture we read about today anyway? 

I feel that if you've never gone without, you don't get it.  church is very elitist. I've not gone to church before because I couldn't afford nice clothes... I thought "the church of the Janes" was different.

JANE #1:

I will say this is the first big event that has cost anything... There was a dinner and concert at Christmas that cost to cover dinner but for the most part they are really good at providing events with little to no cost... And I know there are people that gladly scholarship people anonymously...  I wouldn't let this last minute chance be what you base your opinion on of A2... I've found them to be an extremely generous in so many ways... I'm so sorry that this didn't work out but there are so many other opportunities to connect with people and I'm believing that they will be exactly what God has for us ♥️

ME:

We live with my mom... And have 3 rooms, one of which is a study bcs both work from home. I wash dishes in the bathroom sink. The car we drive we got because we needed a car we could take mom to appointments in and my old car was to small. We still owe her for the full amount of it. I can't invite anyone over because the only private space we have had one couch and shares the rest of the room for a makeshift kitchen....

I heard what you said and I understand. But i still feel it's an issue. In fact, it's something I plan to write about.

Oh well... Maybe I'll be able to play this Sunday at least

I guess I thought this retreat was different too. It sounds like a fun time. I thought it was going to be a chance to bond with others... I feel very left out at church sometimes. I had hoped that worship team would be where I could really get to know people... And that might not happen. At this moment I thought that maybe this was a way I could do it, and it isn't happening. But I'll leave you alone now. See you Tuesday night. 

ME:

I know it is hard... I worked at a church in Nashville so my kids could go to camp and on mission trips so I do understand... I wish we could have every event fully funded...!! 

I do know that there are people going that were creative in their funding for this trip... I was one of them... I've sold several things on Facebook and I've saved over the last few weeks so it wouldn't be a hardship... 

I do not think that the intent of this trip was to exclude anyone...!! This is truly the sweetest, most genuine body of believers I've ever been around... I'm praying that the enemy does not win in using this to create division or offense... Love you friend ♥️

ME:

I don't think it was meant to exclude anyone either. The problem is that, for many, it's never even thought about. I know I'm especially sensitive to this topic as my blog is all about it.. Spotlight on Stigma... Welcomed but Not Accepted. 

JANE #1:

I understand your sensitivity... I truly do... Please do ever believe for one second that you are not accepted...!! 

*************************************** 

I chatted a little more with Jane #1 but this was the relevant part. 

I was so sad... and honestly, pretty mad. 

(Okay - I have many more thoughts but not enough time to go into them. I'll add more later.)

The Difference between Judgement and Compassion

Judgement. Something that I completely hate that others do. In fact, the premise of this blog is to counteract the judgement that so many feel towards those with invisible illnesses - and the judgement that is felt by those individuals.

However, judgement is an aspect of my life that I hate, but have a hard time overcoming. (See my 9.16.19 post about this: https://www.spotlightonstigma.com/2019/09/judging.html.) 

I judge so much - I judge the food I eat; I judge the work I've done; I judge how I act (and how much I fail). After all, I'm not only the most important peson in the world, I'm always right.

(God, forgive me!)

In case this is your first post, something you need to know is that I deal with bipolar type 2 as well as having other mental health issues. One of the effects of all this is latching onto a topic and not letting go until I've completely exhausted learning about it. YouTube is my best friend in this pursuit (or my worst enemy, depending on your perspective.)

Sometimes I don't even know how I started with a new topic. (I guess I can thank the almighty YouTube's algorithm.) But sometime this past month I started watching actual court proceedings. 

The main topic that drew me there was watching a video about a "SovCit" (sovereign citizen). This is a group of people who feel that the government doesn't have any control over them. They have a completely crazy script they use, especially during a traffic stop or in a court hearing. I advise looking them up if you are even a little bit interested, as it really is fascinating.

This led to more generic court hearings - about "Karens," spoiled brats, or, on the flip side, compassion showed within some of the courts hearings. 

Sprinkled in with these were some regular court hearings - all kinds of cases like landlord disputes, custody issues, and, of course, various criminal matters.

One day I saw one of those videos and the judge allowed the defendent to share her story. I really felt for her. In my humble opinion, she wasn't completely responsible for what she did. I think that she had some mental health issues that affected her thought processes and actions.

I later told my husband about that case and I was trying to justify how I felt compassion for her when I laughed at and judged some of the others. (I already confessed that I struggle with this so don't judge - lol!)

It was then that I had an epiphany. The difference between those I made fun of and that one young girl was that I heard her backstory. I knew how she got to where she currently was. I could identify with some of the thiings that had happened to her and recognized that "except for the grace of God go I." 

It changed everything. I still judge, unfortunately, but I'm better about pausing and thinking about why someone is doing what they are doing, not just judging their actions.

So, when you start to judge, try to stop for a moment and think about the why and not just the what that person is doing. After all, the difference between judgement and compassion is simply knowing someone's backstory.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Part 2

Note: If you want to read the background on how I got to this realization, find and read my post titled "Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), Part 1."

So... to pick up where I left off, the thrush and gastroperesis were gone but my taste buds never came back completely. I was able to eat a greater variety of foods but there are still some that still don't taste right 6 months since I stopped the treatment.

The worst ones are chocolate, anything tomato based (ketchup, salsa, pasta sauce...), some ways chicken is prepared, and potatoes. Do you know how many foods are made with one of those things? I didn't realize until this happened. 

The first time I braved going out to eat, I insisted on going to a Chinese buffet. There were too many foods I didn't like and I didn't want to buy a meal (a splurge right now because we still haven't gotten caught up from the months of Dad's illness, death and my illnesses) that I wouldn't be able to eat.

At a buffet I could get a bite or two of all kinds of foods and see what I liked. 

That first time, I realized lo mein and the crab/cheese bake were okay and sesame chicken and egg rolls (former favorites) weren't. Sushi, something I had grown to like in the last few years, was a food I "lost" (as I called it). Other lost Chinese foods I previously loved were coconut shrimp, crab legs, and mongolian beef.

One major result of this issue was the fast food and quick meal impact. No longer could I run by McDonald's and get a cheap burger and fries in the middle of a day of errands. I couldn't make a sandwich and chips - the sandwich was incredibly boring not liking any condiments and the chips were potato based.

Losing chocolate was a bummer. As a food addict, though I was doing better than ever from working with a nutritionist, I still often gravitated to carbs, especially chocolate when stressed or depressed. Of course, all this made me even more stressed and depressed, so it was a rough time.

However, even though this has been incredibly diificult to adapt to, there has been one really good consequence - I've been losing weight without trying. Not only were there less foods I liked but during the time I had gastroperesis, my stomach shrank. I started only being able to eat about half of a meal before I was full.

Okay... FINALLY I'm getting to the point of this two-part post - body dysmorphic disorder.

I haven't weighed in years. The few times I had to weigh for medical reasons (surgery, etc) and worked hard to not see the number but saw it anyway put me into a deep depression.

So I don't know how many pounds I've lost. But my clothes started hanging on me. 

A couple of weeks ago I got brave enough to pull out the clothes I haven't been able to wear  for about 6-7 years - and they mostly fit. (Because my body shape has changed, some shirts were still tight but most weren't.)

Once I started noticing the change, I got excited - then became terrified. One of the reasons I haven't tried to lose weight for the past decade or so is because every time I was successful, I'd gain it back - and more. What if this was another short-term weight loss? What if I hoped that I might actually become somewhat normal only to have that hope bashed?

I started paying more attention to my weight. I started noticing how my clothes fit. In fact, it was more than paying attention/noticing... I started obsessing over it.

Some days I felt "skinny" (a perspective thing, as I still am waaaay overweight) and others I felt like I hadn't lost any. 

But weight doesn't fluctuate like that - not that much. 

And this was when I had an epiphany. The term "body dysmorphia" popped into my mind. I learned about it when I did all of the research about my daughter's and my newly recognized eating disorders.

According to Dr Google, body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) is "a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance - a flaw that appears minor or can't be seen by others. But you may feel so embarrassed, ashamed, and anxious that you may avoid many social situations."

It's sometimes called "phantom fat" or "phantom fat disorder" and another symptom is people who have lost weight still perceiving themselves as very large or heavy.

This is the main symptom that I recognized that morning. Since then, I've done more research and I realize I have some of the other symptoms. 

I always thought that the way to overcome an eating disorder - and the way to see that you've succeeded - was to change your eating habits. I totally forgot that the psychology behind having an eating disorder is not only the cause, but part of the cure.

There's more work to be done, but at least I'm back on the path to making it happen.