Spotlight on Stigma... Welcomed but Not Accepted

 Last fall my sponsor, mentor and one of my best friends passed away. Today was his birthday. We hardly ever celebrated each others' birthdays on the actual days but we always tried our best to celebrate them in some fashion. The main way we would mark the occasion was to eat either Chinese buffet or Japanese steakhouse meals. It was a special treat and a fun way to spend time together, especially when we went to a Japanese steakhouse and had them cook it in front of us. This morning I looked at my calendar and saw his birthday at the top of my items listed for the day. It's the first birthday in about seven years where I didn't at the very least get to call him and wish him a happy birthday. As we are both Christians, my hope is that this is the best birthday he's ever had - one where he's not in pain, where he's not dealing with his addiction that so affected his life, where he's not living alone in a house he had a hard time taking care of as he grew olde...

I'm 57 years old. My mother was 30 when she had me and I was 31 when I had my daughter. So we weren't exactly "young'uns" when we each had our daughters.  If you haven't done the math, that makes my mom 87 and my daughter 26. Previous blogs have chronicled the health issues my mom has as well as some of the mental and physical issues my daughter has. I've also recently written a lot about my daughter's move back home. For those new to this blog, the short version is that four people live in this house - my mother, my husband, my daughter and me. ALL of us have auto-immune disorders, mental health issues, financial struggles, and strong personalities.  Let me sum up some of the extra challenges I have during this phase of my life. For most in my age bracket whose parents and/or children still live with them, it's their house. In my case, it's my mom's. I went through a major job loss and career change not quite a decade ago and in the proces...

(Note that I've changed names in this post - and that it was written during an early morning weekly prayer time where one person shares, then we divide up and pray, and then we pray together. I wrote this during the individual prayer time. Also, it has taken me a while to post it. I wanted to really think about whether it should   be posted - and to give those I sent it to time to react. Before you even read it, I want you to know that both of my pastors came to me separately and apologized. They each acknowledged that they dropped the ball on this and they would work on ways to hopefully make this less likely to happen to others in the future.) This might not be the best use of time for prayer - and this wasn't my intention when I came this morning - but what our speaker this morning said touched on something I've been debating on bringing up. You both know how much I love this church. I also think you both know that I was pretty much dedicated to never going to church aga...

I wish so much I wasn't affected by my circumstances. There are some who seem rock hard in their faith. Of course, there's a chance they aren't either - they are either good actors or who haven't had a lot happen to them in life.  Anyway, I wanted to write this post a few days ago, but I never had a moment to sit down and write. I'm glad I didn't because there's been a twist that I didn't see coming (after I also didn't see its origin coming... lots of blindsides lately it feels like.) My adult daughter just moved back in with my mom, my husband and me. I won't lie... it's been a really rough transition. There's no extra space to put anything. I already felt my space was full - now it's overly full.  Plus my daughter's cats live in her room and a "catio" (a small enclosure with a top on it so they can go outside safely.) At night she lets them out to play in the area that includes my study/office. I now have to somewhat ...

I am a calendar person. Even though I moved to a Google calendar years ago, I still keep a paper calendar up where I can easily see it. The main reason I have it is so that I can see the dates the weeks before and weeks after easily. So, other than the birthays and anniversaries I include (because they don't change), even month is a clean slate. I have used this calendar in several different ways. One year I was pushing fitness - so I had small holographic stars I added each time I did anything physical beyond my normal routine. Another year I used it to keep up with my mood. That year I used sad, happy, and flat (straight lips instead of a smile or frown) emoticon stickers on each day. Last year I was over all of the thinking that went into the simple task of checking off each day - but I still wanted it to be colorful so I used big holographic stickers in different shapes to make the passage of time (and be able to see "today" at a glance.) However, several years are fi...

Before I get into this post, you need to know these things...  - I personally don't believe cussing is bad. I do believe that cursing  is bad. My opinion is that the word shit is just another word for crap which is another word for feces or manure. They are just words.  Cursing, on the other hand, is taking God's name and using it in anger.  Yelling "Jesus Christ!" after being cut off or "God damn it!" is very different than voicing either "shit" or "crap" or just "damn" or "dang."  What it comes down to for me is that it's the attitude and meaning behind what is being said that's the issue, not the words themselves. So, in this post, I will use the word shit - and I will use it liberally. I could change it to crap or to manure, but I feel "shit" just fits these situations better. As for me using an asterisk in the title, who am I kidding? If you are over 6 years old, you know what I'm really sayi...

Disclaimer before I start: I'm not a psychiatrist, therapist or social worker. This is written from my perspective as one who has I've dealt with clinical depression since I was a teenager - over 40 years. I have spent countless hours in psychiatrist's and therapist's offices and have spent hundreds of hours learning on my own about this disease.  Before we go further, let me share the official criteria to be diagnosed with clinical depression or MDD - Major Depressive Disorder. Symptoms used to diagnose Major Depressive Disorder (paraphrased from the DSM5) are: - Depressed mood - sad, empty, hopeless, tearful - Loss of interest/pleasure - Significant weight loss/gain or decrease or increase in appetite  - Insomnia or excessive sleepiness  - Restlessness or slow movement - Feeling worthless or excessive/inappropriate guilt - Problems with concentration, indecisive - Recurring thoughts of death/suicide To be officially diagnosed, a person has to exhibit five of the above...

I just don't understand.  My 25-year-old daughter is in the process of moving from living with her former fiancé' back to the home my mother, husband and I share. If you've read much of this blog, you'll already know about my tiny living situation. In fact, I've posted at least one blog specifically about tips for living in a tiny space. Due to this, I've had a lot on me the last few weeks. My husband and I have had to clean out the room that was our den/kitchenette/my place to keep clothes - and find other places for everything. Thankfully, we have attic space - but we had to clean out and organize the attic to make room for our extra furniture and stuff that just wouldn't fit. This has been a huge task... and it's not finished. However, as of yesterday, we have what will be her bedroom (and living room and study) ready. All of our furniture is out. All of the shelves and pictures on the wall are down (though I still have to fill and touch up the holes)...

Is there a place for a person who's really hurting at church on Sunday morning?  For the last 24 hours or so, I have been hurting really badly. My back has been killing me. My ears have been throbbing. The one floater I still have in my left eye after surgery to remove them, which usually isn't apparent, has been, well, apparent. On top of all that, when I got home from a few wonderful days of a mini-vacation, there was mail that some of my doctors are no longer covered by my insurance.  So, I'm having physical issues, and in the middle of it, I'm going to have to find new doctors. I'm still working on getting three different specialty meds I'm supposed to be using that I'm having problems obtaining.  I'm tired. I'm hurting. And I'm at church where everything is upbeat and happy. with the joy of the Lord. This brings up a question that I've wondered about before, but never had this kind of in-my-face direct example of living it.  I am hurting...

This morning I was reminded about a women's retreat that happened last fall. I meant to post about it then, but just realized I never did. This retreat raised a question I've thought about for years. It's a universal question, not only about the church, but I feel those of faith should do a better job with it than those outside of it. Spoiler alert - I don't have the answer. No one I've ever talked to about it has the answer. I do know this at least... it's something that's decided on a case-by-case basis. Unfortunately the decision is often in favor of the "haves" (and I'm a have-not 😔). Let me tell you more about the retreat. Our church had been planning it for months, so when the following occurred, it wasn't a surprise. However, I thought I had a shoot that weekend so when they would talk about it during the Sunday morning service, I tuned out. I couldn't go so the details didn't matter. (To be honest, in some ways I was glad I...

For probably a decade, I was a "none" - a person who was still a Christian but had given up on church. I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of the hypocracy. I was especially tired of being "welcomed, but not accepted." Though I felt in my heart that there were churches out there who were different, I couldn't find one and didn't have the drive to try.  Then I discovered I am an addict. When I found a support group for my addiction and began attending, I noticed something very enlightening. I was fully accepted - even though I had messed up royally in my life, even though I am an addict, even though I am very, very far from having it all together. I had found my people. The best thing about it is that the majority in my group are Christians, or at least seem to be. Their Higher Power is God, as is mine. Though we don't talk about the Bible, we often talk about principles that are faith-based.  This group of messed up, broken addicts became my church. I...